Add this list to resilience-building for individuals. The first two steps provided by Avril Carruthers, author of Freedom From Toxic Relationships, are:
1. Identify relationships that might be toxic
Any relationship in which we feel drained or constrained to act in ways not necessarily of our choosing may be toxic. These unequal relationships feature emotional blackmail, domination of one over the other or a tacit struggle for dominance. One or both parties might feel controlled, abused, not safe or taken for granted. We might feel drawn into mind games against our will, or feel manipulated by the other's overly dramatic, erratic emotions. At work, we might realize we've been cleverly maneuvered into an untenable position we didn't foresee- - perhaps even into something unethical -- by a boss or fellow employee with few scruples. Communication designed to address issues seems to go nowhere, or is twisted into more blame.Often, we find ourselves inadvertently repeating the habitual relational patterns of our family of origin. Being aware of this can allow us the space to make different decisions about how we want to be. But it's hard work. Old emotional ties can make this a sticky process.
When my friend characterized her family as a nest of vipers, she was simultaneously recognizing that individuals in her family are unable or unwilling to change. Treating them as she would dangerous creatures helped her decide her course of action and not to be fooled by sweet, manipulative ploys.
2. Decide how important this relationship is for you
It might seem obvious that we should get away from a toxic relationship as quickly as possible, but there are reasons we might decide to stay for a time. Loyalty to family or friends, needing employment, legal contracts or compassion might figure here. Be aware of the toll on you, and that your goodwill can be exploited. Find a way to balance what you feel is right for you. Less healthy reasons for staying are the comfort of familiarity, habit, an external locus of control that means we feel powerless or a deep, secret belief that we do not deserve happiness.
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