Today is the 17th anniversary of my sister's passing. At the age of 43 she died from alcoholic liver disease. A mindfulness practice that I have taken on to better handle her death has been to look upon this day as a day that she finally was at peace.
After my morning walk I remembered that today is what I like to call her Angelversary. The day she got her angel wings! Today as I wished her a Happy Angelversary a wave of deep sadness and guilt came over me. I believe that it came from reminiscing about the last conversation I had with my other sister on the day that my sister passed away.
A friend of ours called us to tell us that my sister was in the hospital and that we should come immediately. While driving there I was livid. We had already tried an intervention with her, we tried to get her to go into rehab, we tried family therapy, we tried to get her to go to counseling on her own. So to say the least I was angry. I remember saying to my other sister "I hope this is a wake up call for her. I hope she will stop this drinking and get her shit together."
When we arrived at the hospital my sister was already dead. Our friend already knew this information when he called us but he did not want to tell us because he did not want us to be upset while we were driving. I was in shock. I did not expect her to be dead, I thought we were going to find her in the emergency room getting medical treatment and that this would be a great "wake up call" for her to finally address her addiction.
5 days ago I received an email from my sister's godson. He was reaching out after 17 years to see how we dealt with my sister's passing. He was only 12 when my sister died. His inquiry forced me to go back in time and try to reconstruct everything. My sister's drinking had created a fracture in the relationship between my sister and his mom. His mom tried to encourage my sister to get help but my sister was horrified that her friend was calling her on her addiction. My sister's godson shared with me that he always wondered if he could have said something to my sister that could have helped her to choose recovery. My heart ached at how the young children in our lives personalize things and carry that burden of guilt. I assured him that with what we knew about addiction at the time we all did the best that we could.
So my deep sadness and guilt this morning arose from a place of wishing I knew then what I know now about ACEs and how they impact us. My mindset at the time was "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just stop drinking and get your life together?"
I recently finished Donna Jackson Nakazawa's book Childhood Disrupted: How your Biography Becomes Your Biology and How You Can Heal. So many flashback memories of my sister and ways that my parent's were not attuned or attentive to her have been coming up. So often I hear that parenting back in the 1960's was like that. BUT...I am here to say that with the new research we have on board we are discovering that some of that "typical parenting" was traumatic and emotionally negligent. AND...Our parents did the best that they could with the parenting they were raised with. I have a lot of compassion and offer myself and others grace because I am a parent of 3 children!!
I wish that I could have been a better support to my sister. I wish that I knew how to look at her addiction from the ACEs lens. I like to think that she is cheering me on to be that one caring person for someone else now that I have this new lens on board.
I am deeply grateful for everyone in this community. You create a safe space to share stories from the heart and it touches my soul that each one of you try to be that "one caring person" that is so valuable for a person's healing journey.
Happy Angelversary Sis!! I love you!
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