Thinking much about Chester Bennington's passing, the links between Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) and later substance abuse and mental illness, and the intersections of mental illness and creativity.
For those unfamiliar with him, Chester was the lead singer for Linkin Park.
Chester committed suicide by hanging on July 20th, on what would have been the 53rd birthday of his dear friend, Chris Cornell, lead singer of the group Soundgarden.
Chester battled depression most of his life and gives an interesting description of how it feels from the inside during the course of this interview a few weeks before his death.
He is a textbook case of ACES: parents divorced, mother with some issues leaving him to be raised by his dad. Chester was sexually abused from age 7 to 14 by family 'friend' which was more tragic since his father was a child abuse investigator. Chester was bullied throughout adolescence.....all leading to his lifelong battles with alcoholism and drug abuse.
He definitely was a tortured soul who expressed his pain in lyrics delivered in an amazing voice that ranged from tender softness to guttural scream. Many of his songs seem like an honest description of mental illness from the inside.
The final push over the edge came for him when his dear friend, Chris Cornell, committed suicide by hanging several months ago. Chester chose the same way out on what would have been Cornell's 53rd birthday
On the outside, Chester was a happily married father of six who had fame, money and the adoration of millions of fans...and yet, beneath the surface [not so far beneath, as he was rigorously honest and transparent about his inner demons in his lyrics] he was a tortured soul.
This legacy of lyrics he left behind provide us all a view of depression and metal illness as experienced from the inside. Some examples:
From "Crawling"...
"Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure"
From "Somewhere I Belong" ...
"....I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong..."
Over the years, Chester struggled with his alcoholism and drug addiction, bouncing back and forth between recovery and relapse. The song, "The End" described this inner struggle.
From "The End" ....
"...I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter..."
Several of his songs provide ominous omens of his eventual end.
From "Shadow of the Day" ...
"...sometimes solutions aren't so simple....
sometimes goodbye's the only way..."
And most poignantly, from "Leave Out All The Rest" ...
"I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you...
...Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are"
He leaves behind a wife and six children who now have several ACES to bear themselves.
But he also leaves behind many lessons and passages to learning and insight about ACES, mental illness and substance abuse, and recovery from same. So even as I mourn his passing, I celebrate the "reasons to be missed" that he left behind.
Comments (6)