One of my first memories was being awaken by the car horn before the crack of dawn. I remember slowly making my way down the hallway to the stairs and cautiously beginning my descent as my mother, unaware that she was being followed, opened the downstairs door and made her way outside to open the gates for my father. The sounds coming through the open door of clanging metal gates, car tires crunching gravel, car doors opening and slamming shut, and the night erupting in screams propelled me forward. Walking through the door I stood frozen as my mother and father lay on the ground rolling over and over like two tops. She was clawing him and he had a hold of her hair and was punching her in the face. I don’t know how long I stood there, but at some point my screams made them aware of my presence. I watched my mother break free of his grip, get to her feet and try to cover herself with her torn and bloodied nightgown. My father too drunk to stand, stumbled around as she ran over to me, and folding me into her arms picked me up and ran inside. I was three years old.
On October 7, 2013 I drove from Los Angeles to Modesto, CA, to attend
Stanislaus County’s, 14th Annual Family Domestic Violence Conference. I was compelled to make the six hour drive due to the fact that the conference featured an all day workshop with renowned author, professor, and child psychiatrist, Dr. Bruce D. Perry. During one of the breaks I worked up the courage to walk up to him with two books of his I just finished reading, Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog. He graciously signed them, mistakenly calling me John throughout our short conversation, stopping himself to apologize and explain that my voice and gentle demeanor reminded him of his brother John.
Throughout the day Dr. Perry spoke passionately about the importance of healthy relationships. He taught us about the brain and the adverse and destructive impact which trauma has on the brain. I learned that we are wired to be interconnected and we need each other to survive. That violence is not genetic, it is learned! I watched the women at my table nod in agreement when he said that what is learned can be unlearned. I listened attentively when he told us that the brain has plasticity, which means that it is easily shaped or molded. Dr. Perry and others like him are identifying incredibly important truths. Reading his books, watching his videos, and listening to his lectures have given me insights into myself, my behavior, and the choices I've made. More importantly the lessons and information being shared by trauma experts such as Dr. Perry, trauma advocates, trauma service providers, and studies such as the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study are demonstrating that something entirely different is possible with respect to how we deal with violence, poverty, homelessness, mental health, education, the juvenile justice system, etc. The Adverse Childhood Experiences study clearly and definitively identifies the fact that childhood stressors such as abuse, witnessing domestic violence, and other forms of household dysfunction are highly interrelated and have a graded relationship to numerous health and social problems. These problems that can no longer be disregarded and solutions must be made accessible! Human beings are wired for empathy and if we are going to live healthy lives we have to come in contact with healthy, loving people.
Not long after my trip to Modesto I was made aware of Jane’s blog. The ACE score survey I undertook on her site gave me an ACE score of 6, fortunately for me I scored high on the resiliency survey. The trauma, I experienced from growing up in domestic violence with an alcoholic and violent father and a traumatized mother, was balanced by people such as my grandmother Rachel and my grandfather Medardo, two of the many people in my life who loved and nurtured me. In fact, if I not had them and people like them who opened their hearts to me I probably wouldn’t be here! I certainly would not have come to some of the conclusions I’ve arrived at, the primary one being that the only way we are going to end the cycle of violence in our homes, schools, and communities is by opening up our hearts and approaching the problem and the people struggling in it's path with empathy and mercy.
On Wednesday December 5th ,compelled by two articles written by Jane, I again got in my car for a journey, this time with my friend Katalin to keep me company. We first went back up north to Merced County for a meeting with Javier Martinez, the principal of La Grand High School. During the course of our meeting Principal Martinez shared some of his personal story with us, a story of struggle and perseverance, a love story of a son for his parents, a story full of hope and vision. He immigrated from Mexico at the age of fifteen with his parents, attended La Grand High School, where he is now principal. While a student there he was told that he would never be other than a field worker, like his parents. Fortunately for him a teacher opened his heart to him , a man he himself described as his angel, Mr. Wallace. Javier Martinez was fortunate to have Mr. Wallace as his civics/economics teacher during his junior year. Mr. Wallace obviously saw something in him and took him under his wing. He remembers a conversation in which Mr. Wallace asked him what he wanted to do with his life, a question that no one had ever asked and one to which he had no answer. He was then directed by Mr. Wallace to seek out the school counselor who suggested field work or possibly welding. When Mr. Wallace posed the question again, his reply was welding to which Mr. Wallace responded with, “really”? and after a pause said, “have you thought about going to college”? Upon getting no response Mr. Wallace told him to return after school. He took the time to sit down with a young Javier Martinez and help him fill out college and financial aide applications -he cared. Due to Mr. Wallace’s empathy and compassion, Principal Martinez is now transforming not just his school but also his community! Along with his after school program coordinator, Mr. Andre Griggs, they’ve created and implement a program that the kids have named "The Restorative Justice League.
Mr. Andre Griggs, no stranger to adversity himself, grew up in Oregon facing gang violence. His father drank but let him know that he was loved. At some point his mother placed him in the schools music program and he remembers having to hide his musical instrument on his walks home so he wouldn’t get beat up. Music turned out to be a key in his life. Because of music he got to travel to Europe and had what he describes as an “Aha!”, moment. The realization that there was a huge beautiful world out there, a world vastly different than the one he knew. On his return he went to College, the first in his family to go to and graduate from college. His degree led him to pursue a job in juvenile justice and he became a corrections officer. While there, he instinctively found himself counseling and trying to help the many troubled youth remanded into the system, something he was sadly discouraged from doing. Luckily for him, his wife, a teacher, sensing his talent and desire to help children, encouraged him to pursue a career that allowed him to work with kids, something he was born to do and which he truly loves.
On December 6th we went south to San Diego to visit another transformational leader and visionary, Godwin Higa, Principal of Cherokee Elementary school. Cherokee is situated in a community where the medium family income is twenty five thousand dollars, all the children are Title 1 and receive free meals at breakfast and lunch, and has one of the highest rates of domestic violence in the state. This caring and remarkable man has developed a relationship with the city that allows him to open up the school once a month and provide the community with over four thousand pounds of food. He’s implemented a weekly Saturday program during which the school is opened to provide extra support for children who are struggling. He has built a true Trauma-Informed Community School focused on systems change through resident engagement. A safe place where restorative justice & restorative practices are not just words, but actions and where the health and wellness of the children are the number one priority.
This man, who's last memory of his father at the age of three was to witness his dad take the plate of Hawaiian food, his mother served him, smash it against the wall and walk out the door never to return. Who at the young age of fifteen suffered the death of his mother. A man who has been dealt and has faced more than his share of adversity. This man has devoted himself to the service of humanity. I ask myself? Could it have anything to do with the fact that he had the love of his extended family, his grandparents, and four loving sisters? Could it be that he was loved and learned how to love? He took us on a tour of the school and as we walked up to the outdoor cafeteria the children upon seeing him flocked to embrace him. At one point we entered one of the kinder classes during their nap-time and I observed as principal Higa looked out over these beautiful children with warm eyes and a tender heart.
These recent journeys I’ve embarked on have provided me with a great deal of answers yet at the same time they’ve left me with difficult questions that I feel the need to resolve. Turning again to Jane’s blog I read another article “The trauma of domestic violence: reality v. the classroom” By Louise Godbold. After reading and being touched by the article I once again was compelled to reach out. I contacted Echo Parenting & Education, the Non profit that Louise helps run, and left her a message. Louise returned my call and we spoke for quite awhile. She was warm and empatathic and listened patiently and in a nurturing way as I shared my story. Towards the end of our conversation Louise invited me to attend a workshop hosted by Echo, featuring Robin Grille, on December 11 & 12 as part of his U.S. speaking tour. On December 11th and 12th I listened intently as Robin spoke about what he discovered while writing one of his books “Parenting for a Peaceful World”. What he had to say again reinforced for me the fact that connection and empathy are elements that create healthy behavior and that through an open heart and vulnerability we can achieve a shared connectedness that leads to peace.
I’m currently attending a ten week training on non-violent parenting that Echo Parenting provides. The Saturday before Christmas I was paired off during one of our sessions and listened with an open heart as an African American father told me that he has come to realize that the way in which he raised his sons was flawed. He shared with me that his 20 year old son is now struggling with substance abuse, his 18 year old son has attempted suicide, and his wife has left him and filed a restraining order against him. His story though painful and all too common left me feeling full of hope, a hope that lies in the fact that he has a 7 year old son from the same marriage and he is taking the non violent parenting classes at which we met because he wants to be a better man for his young son than he was for his older children. A hope that lies in the fact that he wants to grow as a man and as a human being. I listened to a Latino man like myself tell me that his father was never there for him, tell me that he wanted to learn how to be a good father to his children and that he was going to work on being a better listener.
My hope is that as we enter this New Year we come to the realization that what we need to do is create safe places where people ask "what happened to you"?, and not “what’s wrong with you”. Empathetic safe place where men such as myself are not judged but rather given the tools to change, grow and blossom. Where wholeness encompasses all aspects of the human being; neurological, biological, spiritual, social and psychological. Developmentally informed treatment not symptom related treatment. I recently read somewhere that one committed to healing reaches points at which he or she cannot make healing happen. But the one committed to healing can assume the inner stance of letting go that offers the least resistance to the graced event of healing.
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