Do you know who you are?

I hope it is a true statement to say some people recover from their child abuse trauma. I hope it can be said that some survivors of child abuse can put it behind them, forever.

Sometimes I really wonder if I will ever be one of those people. After all the years of focus and intention to work through the pain and the automatic responses stored in my body, I wonder if I will ever be able to release the burden of my child abuse history.

People might say I am being a victim. They might judge my actions and commitment. How easy it is to judge one another. The truth is we never know our neighbor’s full stories, daily struggles or commitment to overcome their trauma. If we went up to survivors of child abuse and asked about their history, we would not be able to fully embrace their lives. How could anyone fully know the pain and struggles of another, especially from a story of child abuse?

After talking with a dear friend who, like many friends, has showed me his patience and compassion to my healing, I’ve been practicing a new mantra. The mantra is so foreign to me I find myself referring to the torn paper I jotted the words down on several times a day.

‘I know who I am.’

Sounds and looks innocent enough. It isn’t. After I say it a hundred times during the day, I begin to find the power in the words. I find my confidence that has been hidden for so long. I start laughing at the release of claiming my truth. I start to notice how much easier it is to hide behind the pain than to look at the anger I am holding from my child abuse story.

After all this time, I can say I do know who I am. I know I was lied to by my abuser(s) every day for the first 18 years of my life. I know I have the choice to continue those lies or catch them the nanosecond they enter my brain and say, ‘stop.’

Healing from or reclaiming your life from a child abuse history is not easy. Some days I wonder if it is even worth the daily battles. I can say with faith and guidance, I do know who I am. I believe, deep down in all our souls, we all know who we are.