Fight or Flight Hormone Response

@Josh Stumbo posted:

Agreed, it would be so helpful if we could teach kids (and some of us adults) words and tools to process what is happening in these situations.

I recently heard a podcast with Carey Niewhof and Dr. Karyn Gordon discussing the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Dr. Gordon stated: "Our thoughts drive how we feel. Our feelings drive our behavior."

Often as parents, we inadvertently invalidate our children's feelings and punish lousy behavior without looking at the root cause, the thought behind the emotion. Dr. Gordon explains we need to validate the feelings but then look behind them at the thought. I'll be the first to admit that this is hard. A mad 4-year-old is a force to be reckoned with!

The more I think about it; the same can be true in the workplace. We address behavior issues and encourage those we lead to keep their feelings in check. However, we rarely get to the thoughts behind those feelings. We give people the impression that a high EQ means we stuff feelings and don't let them show up in the workplace. This doesn't resolve the issue. It just creates pressure cookers that might eventually explode.                 

“Numerous psychological studies over the last forty years … tell us that, despite huge social change, the stereotypical image of the 'strong man' is still firmly with us at all ages, in all ethnic groups, and among all socio-economic backgrounds. In the face of problems, men tend not to seek out emotional or professional help from other people. They use, more often than women, alcohol or drugs to numb unpleasant feelings and, in crises, tend to try to deal with things on their own, instead of searching out closeness or help from others.”

The Highly Sensitive Man, 2019, Tom Falkenstein, psychologist/psychotherapist

_______

I wonder whether general male aggression, including the sexual, is related to the same constraining societal idealization of the ‘real man’ (albeit perhaps more subtly than in the past): He'd likely be stiff-upper-lip physically and emotionally strong, financially successful, confidently fights and wins, assertively solves problems, and exemplifies sexual prowess.

Agreed, it would be so helpful if we could teach kids (and some of us adults) words and tools to process what is happening in these situations.

I recently heard a podcast with Carey Niewhof and Dr. Karyn Gordon discussing the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Dr. Gordon stated: "Our thoughts drive how we feel. Our feelings drive our behavior."

Often as parents, we inadvertently invalidate our children's feelings and punish lousy behavior without looking at the root cause, the thought behind the emotion. Dr. Gordon explains we need to validate the feelings but then look behind them at the thought. I'll be the first to admit that this is hard. A mad 4-year-old is a force to be reckoned with! 

The more I think about it; the same can be true in the workplace. We address behavior issues and encourage those we lead to keep their feelings in check. However, we rarely get to the thoughts behind those feelings. We give people the impression that a high EQ means we stuff feelings and don't let them show up in the workplace. This doesn't resolve the issue. It just creates pressure cookers that might eventually explode.                 

That's so sad, Josh. He's so lucky that he has parents who understand what's behind his anxiety, and that you're so patient with him. Speaking from my own experience, I'm not sure it's anything that can be outgrown, but I did learn to name and handle the anxiety. It took decades, because I didn't know what was going on (no understanding of PACEs in those days, and adults who weren't attached), but I think as soon as kids are taught words to describe what's happening and tools to handle situations, it doesn't get in the way as much. At least that's what I've witnessed.

@Frank Sterle Jr. posted:

Regarding early-life trauma, people tend to know (perhaps commonsensically) that they should not loudly quarrel when, for instance, a baby is in the next room; however, do they know about the intricacies of why not? Since it cannot fight or flight, a baby stuck in a crib on its back hearing parental discord in the next room can only “move into a third neurological state, known as a ‘freeze’ state … This freeze state is a trauma state” (Childhood Disrupted, pg.123). This causes its brain to improperly develop. It's like a form of non-physical-impact brain damage.

Also, it’s the unpredictability of a stressor, and not the intensity, that does the most harm? When the stressor “is completely predictable, even if it is more traumatic — such as giving a [laboratory] rat a regularly scheduled foot shock accompanied by a sharp, loud sound — the stress does not create these exact same [negative] brain changes” (pg.42).

Meantime, way too many people will still procreate, some prolifically even, regardless of their questionable ability to raise their children in a psychologically functional/healthy manner. ...  But due to the Only If It’s In My Own Back Yard mindset, however, the prevailing collective attitude (implicit or subconscious) basically follows: ‘Why should I care — my kids are alright?’ or ‘What is in it for me, the taxpayer, if I support social programs for other people’s troubled families?’

Great point @Frank Sterle Jr. regarding the unpredictability!

Sadly, we saw this when we were foster parents to an infant. The unpredictability that occurred due to the dynamics of the visitation process seemed to overwhelm his little developing brain. While we had him in our home within four days of his birth, the continual changes in visitation drivers, bio parents missing appointments, and the sobriety of the bio parents created an environment of chaos that became a challenge for him to process.     

What was most interesting was that he would start out screaming but become lethargic at the height of the chaos. It was a state of freeze. It wasn't until he came back to the stability of our home that he would snap out of it. It was as if a switch flipped once he realized where he was. Once it flipped, he became inconsolable until my wife held him.

Eventually, we adopted this little guy, but it's interesting to see how this trauma still affects him today. While he is a spunky, independent 4-year-old, he struggles with separation anxiety. It's challenging for him to be in situations where he doesn't have eyes on my wife or me.                         

Regarding early-life trauma, people tend to know (perhaps commonsensically) that they should not loudly quarrel when, for instance, a baby is in the next room; however, do they know about the intricacies of why not? Since it cannot fight or flight, a baby stuck in a crib on its back hearing parental discord in the next room can only “move into a third neurological state, known as a ‘freeze’ state … This freeze state is a trauma state” (Childhood Disrupted, pg.123). This causes its brain to improperly develop. It's like a form of non-physical-impact brain damage.

Also, it’s the unpredictability of a stressor, and not the intensity, that does the most harm? When the stressor “is completely predictable, even if it is more traumatic — such as giving a [laboratory] rat a regularly scheduled foot shock accompanied by a sharp, loud sound — the stress does not create these exact same [negative] brain changes” (pg.42).

Meantime, way too many people will still procreate, some prolifically even, regardless of their questionable ability to raise their children in a psychologically functional/healthy manner. ...  But due to the Only If It’s In My Own Back Yard mindset, however, the prevailing collective attitude (implicit or subconscious) basically follows: ‘Why should I care — my kids are alright?’ or ‘What is in it for me, the taxpayer, if I support social programs for other people’s troubled families?’