Healing Tools for ACEs & Trauma

Tina,

     Congratulations, on Progress ("Recovery is a Non-Linear Process."). I'll look forward to your elaborated version. ---Bob

 

These posts on this "thread" are "Gold Mines". Thank You Jane S., Thank You Kathy B., and Thank You Dr. Tina. I got an e-mail from someone today-who I'd had an "intense argument" with at our Peer Support Center last week, and we had resolved it then...and when I offered a handshake in mutual forgiveness, she insisted on a hug which somehow was preceded by a spontaneous mutually acceptable brief kiss on the lips,...but the article she e-mailed discussed how being "too Masculine" and not enough "Human" is supposed to deter men from weeping-which I had been doing a lot of during the Memorial Day Parade. Fire Truck and Police Sirens somehow remind me that someone[s] Cares....(or trigger me) .... And expressing our humanity (rather than masculinity)...

 

Okay so now I am on my computer and my crazy dogs, a part of this personal anecdote, are an important part of this story. 

 

So, 

 

As many of you on ACEs... I have been horribly hurt by people.  I want no part of fur even if it is the only way to heal.  Fur is scary and this to me is part of the reason why...

 

When I was 7 or 8, I was with my dad in the Pinto in Bay City, Michigan. Bay City is about an hour away from my trailer.  I generally never asked my dad for anything because he was incredibly mean, however on this particular winter occasion, I had a cold or something.  My dad was a cigarette smoker and smoked in the car with us kids inside.  On this winter day, as he is smoking, I all of the sudden cannot breath.  I am scared to death but I cannot breath. I timidly ask him "Dad (I would rather call him Leo or our dad because I absolutely hated this monster but those names would not have worked, so I called him "Dad") could you please stop smoking? I cannot breathe.  His response "If you don't like it, I can drop you off her right now and you can walk home!" A very typical response from Leo.  I, however, was very serious.  I don't know how I managed to escape with my life in that small car in the winter for an hour as he puffed away while I was close to respiratory arrest... but I never forgot that or his insensitivity.  From that time forward, I could not ask for anything reasonable - I am 47 years old but could not ask for something reasonable to save my life. 

 

NOW THIS IS THE NON-COMPLIENT PATIENT PART. It is a little embarrassing to me, but it is my truth.  Please everyone follow instructions if you decide to do this. It is better and if you are afraid of people like me and try to fix everything on your own... well I understand, but not the best approach with this technology.  

 

So Kathy's warning stands "Don't Try This At Home - without consulting your coach when you hit a hiccup.   I am a bad patient.  I admit my faults. I dislike doctors though I am one.  My neurofeedback machine stopped working properly.  You are supposed to after each session rate your goals and answer a series of questions.   I had not been doing that because my cursor wasn't working properly.   Whenever I wanted to rate a goal as to better or worse, the cursor would move to 100 percent worse, so I stopped trying to rate.  I thought I had hurt the machine (which I think is why I didn't ask for assistance - I wasn't able until I did more work).   You use salt water on sponges with the scalp electrode inside to make the brain wave connection and I thought I must have broke the machine with a wet sponge.  Well, I hadn't broke the machine. The program needed an update.  It was updated Friday.  I reviewed the protocol with my home neurofeedback coach and she told me STOP trying to do things on your own... NOT A GOOD IDEA... nope not a good idea. I was improving for sure but not like I could or would or will. These things need to settle in your brain.  I had stopped the training for 2-3 weeks so I was basically at a new baseline. I promised to follow the directions not like a terrible patient and did so over the weekend.  Boy did my brain move with the new protocols.  

 

Today as I was doing my session with directed protocols to the letter--- I came to the above epiphany... 

 

Now that text may seem like a no-brainer. But for me, tremendously hurt for years starting at a young age --- to consider in the middle of today's session that I could ask for reasonable help, made me start to weep.  I have to say, I probably will no longer respond immediately to such epiphanies as I want to be reflective going forward - and I believe for the first time in my life I am also very capable of such.  An amazing plus of the neurofeedback I have been doing.

 

Wow, I have experienced an amazing movement of my brain that I don't think could have occurred any other way.  I may even be able to move to where "fur" is okay.  So thanks ya'all. 

 

(Oh and as I had this epiphany - my dogs ate my dinner and I didn't get mad - progress).  

Hooray!

I can't wait to hear more about how you're leveraging BrainPaint!

Kathy

Congratulations, Tina!!  That's a big one!!  Not wierd....wonderful!

I'm sending you this cause it is important and weird!
This is absolutely crazy but Neurofeedback must be helping me. I was scared to take the girls to the vet because the office is on a main highway. The girls jump out of the car as quick as a door is opened. I had been afraid one of the girls would jump out and get hit by a car. I have to put them in the back of the RAV4 when I'm driving or I have a 60 and 45 lb dog in my lap. This was something I just couldn't figure out cause the back had an auto liftgate that I cannot control. This is so stupid but the first time in my life I thought, I could go inside and have a front office staff person help me so they wouldn't jump out and get hurt. This sounds so stupid but it isn't it means for the first time in my life I considered asking another for reasonable help! That means believing people are to help each other and can be approached for help. First step in trust. Wierd!!!


Okay this is pasted from a text I sent to my home Neurofeedback coach from my iPhone. Now I am going to my Mac to elaborate where I can type better!

I should probably stay out of this but all I want to say is that sometimes when we feel very strongly about something, we will react. Some maybe more than others (I react particularly strongly - though I am getting better).  I believe for many of us hugely traumatized especially without any real attachment to help us develop social skills or affect regulation -- a part of the social healing is sometimes having a reaction, and being able to do that but then sit back and observe.  Maybe even discuss how others observed or perceived the reaction. I never got this training, so for me this can be a particularly difficult process and if I am not allowed to ask - how was that perceived? I cannot learn anything and have to keep guessing (usually I am harder on my responses than the way others perceived me) but this is really stressful and a part of my fear of getting out around others - because I am out, say something - someone gets a funny look on their face and because the standard is not to be able to ask questions about how did you perceive that? This is what happens to me -- did I screw up, am I am screw up and on and on which makes me want to have a drink and escape the situation.  I'd like this circular process to end for me and anyone else who finds this occurring.

 

I never want those of us from a shame-based origin to feel shame as I feel shame is a corrosive and toxic emotion.  

 

Now remorse is not shame ---- but I just want you to know Kathy. I know you were fine in your response and all of us who understand trauma reactions in no way felt anything negative (though I should not speak for others).  I think you were just fine. Remorse okay -- shame hurts us at least feeling shame hurts me.  

 

I hope it is okay if I say that.  I liked you ode to your cat cat too (though I am really more of a dog person). 

What a beautiful tribute to your cat, Kathy. I understand how you feel, as some of my closest relationships have been with my cats!

Thanks for sharing the link.

Cheers, Jane

 

I know of a mutual acquaintance who tested the validity of his unworthiness when he joined Toastmasters. Their by-laws used to require applicants for membership to "be of good moral character", and everyone in the club he attended know he'd been in prison [as a youthful offender-no criminal record]. One club member was on the [International] Board of Directors, and made a motion at an International board meeting to remove that clause from the membership requirements. Someone asked him why. He replied: "Because I don't know anyone of Good moral character." They changed their by-law, and the person applied for membership in that club, and was accepted unanimously, When he gave his first prepared speech, from the lecturn--he realized forty people were all making eye-contact with him. Then he went to a church on a Sunday....., after a visit during a youth meeting there on a Friday ......

I have also been taking others suggestions or at least listening and then making I think more informed decisions based on information from others. To me this is the start of trying to connect.  Also though I generally don't do Facebook much, I have been posting on Facebook (usually the kinds of stuff I post on ACEs) but then I will see people I know. Before, I would be afraid to send a friend request -- I would be too afraid --- I'm a bad person, that person wouldn't want to be my friend, I won't bother, but I have been taking chances, sending friend requests and guess what - people have been accepting.  I just find this totally weird for me.  I am starting to feel more like a competent instead of "out of control inside". I don't look out of control outside but what I mean by that is that strange anxiety that one feels when you feel like you don't belong, like you are an alien to a foreign species.  I guess I am kind of feeling like I too am human, if that makes any sense. 

Hi Tina

I am so happy for you! 

I'm sort of back online but going out of town again tomorrow til Monday...

Please feel free to just keep posting, anyway I don't want to chime in to interrupt what you're writing, it's all so great what you're writing.

I can't wait to see what you've posted when I get back on Monday....

I feel like I am better able to sit back, take in others point of view, back off from feeling like I have to do everything myself. I really feel this is great.  I also contribute it to the neuro-feedback.   I still haven't been going out yet.  That will be a tough hurdle for me as attachment is a huge issue but I feel like I could do well and have a great interactive conversation without feeling strange and out of place inside.  This is all awesome to me. And I am feeling like moving into other areas of healing like meditation which I am not good at because of a "way too busy mind that is always quadruple tasking".  I actually sat down and did about 15 minutes of sitting meditation yesterday and that was good.  So I think all in all this has been a very positive process for me.   

I haven't had anymore of those really emotional spells during the alpha-theta, but my dreams have been more colorful actually last night I had the first dream in color and it was sad but more positive.  Usually my dreams have always about big mean things trying to kill me.  So that is great too.  Anyway still at the meeting. 

Hi Kathy, 

 

I see you are on-line. Pretty soon I have to go to work on our "trauma informed school presentation".  

 

However a quick update. You kind of need to give the neuro-feedback some time to settle into your brain into new patterns.  First you can see, I am not posting as much.  I just don't feel the need to reflectively respond to everything generally. I think that is progress.  I have been able to work through my anxiety and though it seems strange, send the emails and make the telephone calls that I need to make but generally procrastinate on. I have been cleaning and organizing. Usually I am so disorganized I am not too good at this.  I am less reactive. I am certain of it.  When talking to others and they say something that would generally trigger me - I might still become triggered but there is more of a second or two to contemplate first.  I stopped doing several hours per day though. I think that was making it very confusing for me to determine which protocol I was using was helping (thought I think generally it has all been effective) but I like the generally stabilizing non-linear protocol to do first. I have done several more sessions of the alpha - theta. That is the type that has the capability to take you into the deep meditative state.  Well our meeting is starting so I gotta go. Will put some more on in a bit. Tina. 

I posted an inquiry on my high school Classmates page, asking if anyone had my grandfather for a teacher, before I was a student there. Knowing my grandfather's tendency to "Bully", I wasn't surprised when a student acknowledged knowing him, and told [his side] of an incident when my grandfather "bullied" him verbally, in class, in front of other students. I replied empathetically to the student in question.

Hi Cissy, I think those are great things to do. I used to exercise but when my brother developed psychosis (actually I listened to a ton on Allen Schore yesterday and I am convinced my brother has somatiform dissociation - he had bodily delusions without any memory of his child abuse).  But after he got sick, I kind of fell apart. So in addition to the neurofeedback.... time to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity (something I have always wanted to do), start on my treadmill, now the weather is nice get out more to the beauty of the great lake with the two labs.  The alpha-theta training has been likened to hypnosis by some.  I think it probably is... I am just too hyper-aroused that I don't relax well... Still alert for the lion.  

 

Anyway I wish I was doing what you are, but I think the neurofeedback is allowing me to calm enough to move in that direction.  I am one year younger than you, per your post of yesterday or a few days ago. If I start working hard, I could get far in a year.... I am so glad you are on the site and I can learn more from others.

 

Thank you So much....

 

Tina.....

 

Hi Cissy, 

 

I don't know. But I think it would be good for a group to use the system together.  That would be a great way to work together with the emotions that may come up.   You could email or contact them to see.  Here is a link to the system.  I would imagine they might look at ways to increase their visibility in this field as it grows.  I have seen some systems that are a little more expensive that you could buy but would need to learn protocols. The reason I kind of like this system first is that you get an idea of how it works etc and then if you were to get an amplifier -- and would need a standard computer-- one could use this with multiple different protocols forever.  Maybe the Eeger site would also be a sight to contact to see what they have to say.   Then you could let us know.  It does state it is for folks too far to go to a provider.  Who knows however.  They may make exceptions, after all it is business. 

 

Thanks Tina (And I am sorry about my writing skills - I make punctuation errors, typos etc). 

 

https://neurofeedbackhomeuser.com/inquiry-form/

Tina,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. If neurofeedback were more affordable I would try it (and will when I can). I think costs will eventually come down and/or be insured more. I know some people are able to get it covered on insurance. But, I've not read many first person accounts of what people have done/are doing at home and how it feels and seems. So thank you! I'm totally interested and learning and glad you are sharing.

Can people share the machines and technology? I ask because I wonder if a motivated group could go in on a system and share not only the machine/program but the experience?

I bet in 25 years there will be such effective and varied treatments we will look back on these days amazed and a bit horrified at what was not yet known and how brave people were trying, figuring and studying all the varied techniques, facts and info.

At this age and stage of my life the experts I most like to hear from are others sharing what does and doesn't work. Thank you.

Cissy

Oh, 

 

I don't know what to say.  But I want to say something.  I think maybe that generally animals aren't abandoned by their parents. When they are, they usually die.  I think humans somehow keep going along developing severe disorganized attachment and in this strange world of computers and technology and all this unnatural stuff we have  and then this very severe trauma gets locked in the deep brain structures.  For sure it is there.  It has no connection with the cortical structures (or very little).  I agree, you can NEVER talk it out. No way... you can understand what happened to you and can rationalize it but that doesnt do anything about getting rid of it and after a time (maybe depending on how early or severely you were traumatized at least) talking about it can actually make you worse. When I first talked about the stuff that happened to me, I was a suicidal wreck.  Talk was terrible and I could even talk about it a year ago but my hands got pale, cold and white and I felt sick to my stomach and sometimes even vomited. I think that there is trauma that  is procedural memory that becomes locked - the memory in the realm of riding a bike only this is memory of no escape.  Only it is the body stuck in the freeze of trauma. I froze a lot as a kid. Had to. I would have been killed if I hadn't.  I tried to be invisible.  Had to.  Life could be taken at any time. I doubt that Dr. Levine thinks that animals don't get traumatized, though I have never talked to him... my guess is that Generally -- animals are able to release--- I mean we have all seen a video of some african animal in the grips of a lions jaw that somehow gets free... That animal has to be able to exit the freeze fast and run.  Generally this is when animals are working together as a herd. I know that kids kind of freeze, pack all sorts of very horrible emotions inside and keep going as if nothing happened.  Think of those two teens in Detroit a 14 yr old and a 17 year old living with their mother who killed two siblings and had the kids but their brother and sister in the freezer.  The teens said nothing. Not because they were "bad". I am sure they had years of indoctrinated trauma that they experienced. I would not have said anything either, I am certain.  This was an uncertain world.   I know animals hurt though. I have seen abused dogs and how they cower and have seen videos of "grieving" elephant mothers after their baby elephant has been killed.  It makes me want to cry. 

 

Kathy, thanks for the complete link to the video of Dr. Levine. I may have seen this particular one before but I cannot remember it and if it was a first time seeing it - I liked it and if It was a refresher that I don't remember well that was good too. I think there is certainly something to his somatic experiencing. I have wanted to try it for a long time but there is no one who does that where I live. Anyway everybody is right - animals get traumatized and trauma is locked in the bodies of adults and most of us don't even know it.  Oh and Kathy, here is a virtual hug.  

 

Thanks everyone.

 

I need to do another neurofeedback session.....  

Hi Louise and Jane --

    No one said animals don't get traumatized.  All that was said is that many, if not most, mammals can't survive long in the wild in a traumatized state, so they've developed a re-set process. And that most humans resist doing the re-set, because to our big thinking brains, it feels irrational and overwhelming. Clearly most humans do not do it, or we'd not be debating whether it even exists.

    I beg we be careful citing trauma experts when they speak of each other; we love them all for helping us, but I've been saddened to find there is ego. I've spoken to Dr. van der Kolk, Dr. Bruce Perry, and Dr. Levine in person at enough length to be shocked to hear each of them, unfortunately, dismissing the work of the others. They'd never do so in print or public; should we quote them doing it?  If Levine were a quack, would Dan Siegel have him speaking at many of his UCLA conferences?

      I was doing full-body sobbing of the kind that bang an entire car seat with shaking, gasping, and the whole nine yards of the "polar bear dance," for most of my life.  Especially during my work on the Grief Handbook for three full years 2009-2012, before I ever heard of Levine in 2012. Reading his book and doing his exercises merely confirmed what my body had been telling me for decades.

       Unless one has studied the Polyvagal Theory on the hierarchical development of the brain across evolution, and how the vagal nerve functions in trauma, as cross-confirmed by the competing work of Bruce Perry and Stephen Porges, perhaps dismissing it may not be appropriate. [See http://attachmentdisorderheali...om/Porges-Polyvagal/ ]

      Many comments here on animals being traumatized are about primates. All brain scientists agree the "thinking brain" originates with primates, not just humans -- that's why Harlow's distressing traumatization of the monkeys turned out to be applicable to humans. I wish I'd said "primates resist the re-set dance."  I'm ignorant on hyenas but makes sense that any animal with structured social hierarchy such as you've described would be traumatized by it; that kind of social structure is primate-like. 

      Plus when humans intervene and domesticate animals but treat them badly, all bets are off.

      The point being: over-thinking it keeps us in freeze.  If you think you've getting out of trauma by thinking your way out, think again. You can't. Trauma is a bodily reaction primarily in what Siegel calls the "downstairs brain" which is everything other than the thinking frontal cortex:  the limbic mammal brain, the brain stem, and the huge ganglia around the heart and viscera.  These areas of the brain and body do not think and do not obey thinking. Check "General Theory of Love" again.

You are a "fav" of mine too. Thanks and good luck with all the grant writing. I am a terrible writer....

 

 

Tina, I got sidetracked with two of my fav people on ACES Connection and the sophistries of trauma science. However, I couldn't pass your entries by so casually - you are a brave lady indeed to be lifting the rock and even more for describing to us the experience of discovering what lies under it. My friend has a son who is highly reactive due to trauma. They have been using a little device that fits on a finger and measures heart rate variability. It has really helped him calm down. The good thing is that it is a whole lot less expensive than some of the other equipment I've been reading about. Got to get back to grant writing now, but "bon courage!" my friend and other fav person on ACES Connection!

Oooh! The traumatized in the wild argument! This is the one reason I had pause with Peter Levine's theory. Animals in the wild do get traumatized. There is a video on this site that shows what happens to monkeys when dominated by alpha males. The researchers were taking samples of the colony's cortisol levels. When the alpha males all mistakenly got poisoned and died, the cortisol levels of the remaining monkeys went down and the now-more-mellow monkeys wouldn't let any aggressive males join their colony.

 

However, I know that shaking has been used in healing for centuries. Look at the Quakers and some of the charismatic Christians who believe this is a sign of the Holy Spirit at work.

 

I actually asked Bessel when he was here for our conference about this whole argument and he responded in typically Bessel fashion: "It's all BS!" Although, he did speak with great respect about Levine and Porge's work in all other regards.

I think you answered my question. Hyenas and baboons (and chimps, etc.) live in highly complex social environments where dominance and submission are behaviors integral to an individual's life course. Hyenas, for example, learn to recognize dozens of individuals and their place in the dominance order, so that when one hyena interacts with another, the submissive one has to literally grovel to avoid being attacked (and sometimes even groveling doesn't help). All males are submissive to all females, which are larger and more aggressive, partly because of an overload of male hormones. (Hyenas have a genitourinary system unique to the animal kingdom.) 

So, in wild animal societies that are socially complex, many individuals are traumatized, and live that way every day. They don't get to walk away from it.

I'm not sure how that explains the bird-brained pecking order of chickens. Their societies don't seem so complex. But a chicken researcher might take issue with that statement.  ;-))  

Hi Jane,

I'm no animal expert, just citing Dr. Peter Levine and his 30-year colleague Dr. Stephen Porges on the "re-set button" for trauma in the vagal nerve, thus "Polyvagal Theory."  Levine writes extensively about his field trips to Alaska to interview polar bear experts, to Africa to interview game wardens, etc. and on how the human brain resists doing the "reset dance" because the dance i's so "irrational" and overpowering. Humans think our thinking brain needs to run everything, and it can not run that reset dance!

Whereas they write in general, other mammals in the wild do not resist doing the dance.

Having said all that, of course I've seen my beloved cats traumatized by events they can't control -- and that's the issue.

Animals in the wild, usually, either get eaten/killed  OR they do the reset dance -- and then they walk away as if nothing happened.

But now we humans have pets, and we put them thru a third thing which is neither be killed nor do the reset dance:  We hit them without killing them.  Or we put them in carriers and take them to vets to help them  -- but they are being held down, restrained, controlled.  And yeah that's traumatic -- but it's not "natural," it's another human intervention.

As to wild animals traumatizing each other, I've got to plead ignorance.

I think Levine and Porges are writing about broad generalities, and there can be plenty of exceptions to every rule as you point out.

 

 

Hi, Kathy: I think mammals do get trauma. Certainly I've come in contact with dogs and cats that have been traumatized and suffer the consequences (distrust, fear, anxiety). Zoo animals, circus animals. 

Even animals in the wild get traumatized and live difficult lives. Hyenas and baboons come to mind. At least, in hyenas, the alpha female and all the other females in the group are higher in rank than the alpha male (sorry....couldn't resist!). Even chickens (pity the bird on the lower end of the pecking order!). 

What do you think? Am I missing something? 

 

 

Hello Tina

Thank you for warning: "Don't Try This at Home" by yourself; get supervision (title of my book you mentioned).  Folks: Tina is a highly-trained professional plus she's been confronting deep trauma within for many years.  BUT most people like me do NOT have her training or toughness.  Yes let's warn everyone: do this kind of deep deep healing under professional supervision if possible.

Please see my writeup of how I did healing body work -- it emphasizes  "do it with an attachment therapist -- at http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/healing-body-work/ 

Dr. Peter Levine in "Healing Trauma," his older book with CD which I used to heal, does say that if you can't find a professional, try it with a friend present. We are MAMMALs, we need another mammal present to feel safe to do this stuff.  My writeup above explains more.

My writeup also has Levine's video of the polar bear shaking and trembling. And again, just like Tina: that was exactly what happened to me.

When I feel deep infant grief, it still happens pretty much every day in short bursts. Then I feel better.

Tina writes :"I wasn't just thinking this poison was coming out of my body, but I was feeling it." 

AMEN, once we get into this "polar bear dance" as I call it, we are FEELING the tension being released from our body.  It's such a huge experience that our human thinking brain is the only mammal which fights it and refuses to feel it, which is why we humans get trauma, other mammals don't.
It's fantastic that BrainPaint can help our human brain allow this "polar bear dance" which Levine calls the trauma "re-set button." 

But the bigger the trauma -- the more overpowering is the polar bear release. So we need someone there!

I forgot to say that during the session my body was shaking like really shaking. It reminded me of some of Peter Levine's discussions and the video he has of the polar bear shaking. It was incredible. I wasn't just thinking this poison was coming out of my body but I was feeling it.  I was shaking worse than if I had been locked for several hours in a deep freezer..... 

 

It really was amazing....

 

Oh and it is okay to share, but I would like people to know.... It might not be good for everyone to do this alone, like the title of your book --- I have been working on this for decades --- and so I have an ability to tolerate this intense experience..... I kind of think, unless someone is willing to take chances.... and is pretty strong (I didn't know how strong I am) that person might get really shaken up. It would probably at least be good to have a standard therapist to discuss what is happening and to process those deeply brainstem based emotions.. or have a group of healing friends.... some type of support.... would be helpful

 

For me.... I might be doing better if I had a therapist too... but I have so little confidence in that.... and I am in a rural area where everyone knows everyone so I don't feel comfortable and especially with prior bad experiences with psychiatry I just am very reticent to that..... However, many considering this may really be helped but might want access to formal support. 

 

So I just wanted to add that...

 

 

Dear Tina,

 It is so moving what you are writing. It's incredible what developmental trauma does to injure our brains, and how that pain gets locked into our bodies -- and decades later, it's still there stuck in our bodies.

I am so sorry this is costing you such a huge emotional pain and effort to release all this pain.

Wow are you brave! I wish I could fly to Michigan just to give you a huge hug for being willing to go through all this to heal. 

I feel so grateful and relieved that you are getting these releasing results--even though it is costing you so much.  I just don't want to minimize how brave you are and how much suffering you're having to bear in order to get these results which I know from personal experience, unfortunately can only come by this route you are taking: being willing to walk through the pain.

Ouch, it hurts so much what you are doing.  Thank you for having the courage.

I also want to validate you for something where I experienced the same thing:

When I started doing the Peter Levine "body work," I had a similar experience where I could not stop sobbing during the session, or after, for hours on end.  Sometimes hours became days on end.
I also had first to get in touch with a huge amount of repressed anger. When our survival is threatened, the brain stem takes over and anger is its main language. If it didn't get angry, we'd die. So if we don't feel through our anger and experience it to release it, we often can't get at other emotions buried under it.

After I felt a vast fury at my mother for trying to kill me -- one day suddenly I was sobbing "I love my mommy" and as with you, suddenly my anger was replaced by a huge sea of grief and loss for all the love lost in my childhood, avoidant marriage, etc.
Please know I am with you in this.

Kathy

PS:  I hope you don't mind but to help others out, I'm posting here the answers you sent me via email to questions about the cost of BrainPaint, because a lot of people would like to know:

 

-------------------------------------------

Dr. Tina Marie Hahn wrote:

There is another home system I found but it did not allow us to use different protocols for changes to be made to specifically treat the fear-driven Amygdala. So I chose BrainPaint which did. I also chose it after reading three books on neurofeedback.

BrainPaint is not cheap but mental health and well-being? Priceless. The BrainPaint set I got has a minimum two months rental at $675 per month for shipping and a deposit; I initially paid $1,875. The deposit comes back when you send the rental back. The make and model I got is a desktop; it’s the file VideoBrainPaint-All-2012-4-28.mp4 on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?...h-OU&app=desktop

 

Thank You for the update, Tina. Glad to hear the neurofeedback machine is helping. Best to you and the pups.

Okay, 

 

I haven't responded here in a while so I think it is time. It has been about three weeks since I have had my home neurofeedback machine. Tomorrow will be the 21st day that I have had this.  I want to respond as a user/patient (NOT as a doctor).  

 

I had been doing about 1.5 - 2 hrs of neurofeedback a day. I think that is a little much for me as a beginner.  I gave myself a brake for the last two days. However, after my second alpha - theta training (April 19th).... I am embarrassed to say (due to shame based childhood programming) that I could not stop sobbing during the session or after for 4 hours straight. It was cathartic.  I wasn't re-traumatized and I let go of a lot of stuff. I saw that my mother did the best that she could. I could see myself letting go of the residual anger and it was replaced with the this tremendous well of grief and loss. I realized that I was full of so much (and probably still am)  grief over what could have been and how my life might have been different if this had not happened to me --- how my mother's life would have been different if she had been able to feel love from her children instead of being so stressed or whatever the cause was that she allowed the most horrific things to happen to her kids.  I thought about how my brother wouldn't be psychotic if he hadn't been hurt so much.... How he could know happiness instead of his constant fear.....

 

That is all I want to say for now except I think this is a powerful tool.....

I need a good chair and most of you will have a good chair. I have folding chairs they don't work no matter how resourceful you are..

 

anyway i did an alpha theta session today and it was wierd

 

so here it is

 

I am stuck inside an ostrich shell.  I am really stuck. I am little but grown.  I am pushing on the shell.  It doesn't move and all around me is space .... lots of space.. me in a shell... then I flash into the basement.... it is dark but there is a window a small window that is in the basement and I look outside trying to see the outside where it is light and bright and trees and leaves and I am stuck... I don't fight I just flash back into the egg shell, I try to mix myself poor with the richest and it doesn't work, then poor with the earth worms and it doesn't work.... I  have tears coming from my eyes as I see how alone I am and have always been.. then i think I cannot push this open... I will try to melt it away into infinity ..the infinity of equanimity ..... then it was done.... 

 

First session..

Before tomorrows, I will have a decent chair...

Wow Tina that is terrific!  I'm so glad you're getting better sleep.

I want that too, Makes me want to quit my other tools I’m doing but…

oh well, I don’t want to jump all over the place…

I posted everything you said on my site, too: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/tools/

Keep letting us know what's happening, this is sooooo  cool to get your reports!

Hugs

Kathy

Yes Kathy, 

 

It is Brain Paint. There is another home system I found but that system did not allow one to use different protocols that would allow for changes to be made to specifically treat the fear driven Amygdala.  I did get the system because I live too far away from a provider after reading three books on neurofeedback.  It will likely be a lot cheeper than going for sessions also and you can pay extra for help if you need it but you do get 45 minutes of assistance by phone along the way every month you rent the system.  It is really very easy to set up and use.  I will be texting or calling my "assistant" Friday as I will probably be ready to start some more specific protocols then.  I was first sent a video showing me how to set up the system and then yesterday before the first session had an 1.5 hr tutorial.  It was really good and as good as anything you could get in the office.  I then did a couple more sessions throughout the day yesterday. I slept the best I have in months.  

 

And please post on your blog. I will keep this updated as I go. Thanks a Bunch!!!!

Hi Tina,

This sounds so promising, I'm excited for you.

Could you just clarify: This is using BrainPaint, right?  And you bought their home system because you live too far from a provider?

Sure, go ahead and post all your responses and observations here, I bet it will help a lot of people if you go ahead and tell it as it happens.

And can I put it also under my blog where it originally appeared on my website, to help my readers?
Kathy