We all have an inner voice that comments on our actions, judges our decisions, and sometimes holds us back. Commonly referred to as the “inner critic,” this voice can be both an ally and an adversary. It’s part of the human experience and has a lifetime membership, offering feedback that can encourage growth or lead to self-doubt. The key to managing the inner critic isn’t denying its presence or trying to quiet it entirely. This would be impossible.
Instead, the key lies in understanding its origins, learning how to work with it with friendliness, care, and compassion, and finding ways to channel its influence for personal growth while mitigating its effects on our behavior and thoughts.
What Is the Inner Critic?
The inner critic is that persistent internal voice that questions, doubts, or judges your actions. It often speaks in "shoulds" or "should nots," expressing fear of failure, embarrassment, or rejection. For many, it can feel like a constant companion, always ready to point out shortcomings and flaws. Although this voice can sometimes become quite loud and harsh, its presence is not inherently harmful. It can serve as a valuable tool for reflection and growth, provided we learn how to work with it constructively.
The Origins of the Inner Critic
Our inner critic is deeply influenced by our early experiences, especially in childhood. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) such as abuse, neglect, or household dysfunction can shape how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. When children grow up feeling unsafe, criticized, or undervalued, they often internalize those external messages, eventually becoming the inner critic's voice. Over time, this critical voice reinforces limiting beliefs like "I'm not good enough" or "I always fail."
Conversely, Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs)—like feeling supported, loved, and safe—can help develop resilience against the more negative aspects of the inner critic. This is why Dr. Felitti and I co-created the PCE Assessment as the positive counterpart to the ACE.
However, even those with positive childhoods will encounter their own inner critic. It’s a universal aspect of the human psyche, shaped by experiences, culture, and societal expectations.
The Value of the Inner Critic
Although the inner critic is often spoken about negatively, it does have value. This voice believes it protects us from harm, rejection, or failure. It might tell us to avoid taking risks because, on some level, it wants to keep us safe. Still, it can also push us to strive for improvement and growth.
The Committee Meeting: Listening to Your Inner Critic (Without Letting It Take Over)
The challenge comes when the inner critic dominates our thoughts, behavior, and sense of self-worth. Instead of being constructive, it can become a source of constant self-judgment, undermining our confidence and leading to anxiety or depression. To avoid this, we must learn to listen to the inner critic without letting it take control.
A strategy I teach (it’s also available on the Enlightn app, along with hundreds of other mental health techniques) to give the inner critic a voice is called The Committee Meeting. I’ve done this exercise with patients, clients, and groups of all kinds and sizes for decades, and it’s been endorsed by Dr. Vincent Felitti, the Co-Principal Investigator of the ACE Study.
1. Acknowledge Its Presence
When you host a Committee Meeting, imagine sitting at a conference table with all the feelings that come up when your inner critic speaks. Give each feeling a seat at the table—fear, shame, jealousy, criticism, whatever it is—and acknowledge their presence.
Trying to suppress or ignore the inner critic often causes it to grow louder and more persistent. Instead, allow it to speak and observe it without judgment. Ask yourself, "What is this voice trying to tell me?" and "What is the fear or concern behind it?"
2. Challenge Its Messages
Once you’ve acknowledged your inner critic with empathy and allowed everyone at the table to speak, rant, complain, etc, start challenging their messages. Are their messages true? Is your inner critic speaking out of fear or fact? By separating yourself from your inner critic and feelings at the table, you can gain a clearer, more objective, and more balanced perspective.
3. Maintain a Compassionate Voice
Try to maintain a compassionate voice when your inner critic is harsh or overly judgmental. This is the part of you that understands mistakes happen and that growth takes time. When a critical thought sits at the table, listen kindly, then follow it up with affirmations or gentle encouragement, like “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough” or “It’s okay to make mistakes; I can learn from this.” Hearing out our inner critic without letting it get to us isn’t easy. The more you host Committee Meetings, the easier it will get!
4. Give It a Purpose
Instead of seeing your inner critic as something to defeat, see it as a collaborator sitting at the same committee meeting. This gives it a purpose. You could also think of it as a coach or mentor whose job is to help you improve. In some instances, it might offer you feedback, and you can use that information constructively. For example, if your inner critic tells you, “You’re not prepared,” take it as a prompt to double-check your work or put in a little extra effort—not as a reason to feel inadequate.
5. Set Boundaries
Your inner critic has a lifetime membership in your mind, but that doesn’t mean it gets to run the Committee Meeting. That’s your job! Set boundaries by designating when and how you’ll engage with this voice and allow the inner critic to speak. For example, allow it to offer feedback when evaluating a past action or planning for the future, but don’t let it interfere with your present moments. Over time, setting boundaries and holding regular Committee Meetings will help you maintain a healthy balance between reflection and action.
Healing from ACEs and Strengthening PCEs
For individuals who’ve experienced ACEs, the inner critic can often be particularly loud and harsh. Trauma-informed practices can help reframe negative thought patterns and heal the wounds that fuel the inner critic’s voice. Enlighten, the only clinically validated mental health app is full of techniques and strategies for working with your loud inner critic and transforming it into a powerful ally for health and well-being.
Nurturing PCEs can also build resilience against the inner critic. For a healthier inner dialogue, surround yourself with supportive relationships, engage in positive experiences, and practice self-compassion.
The inner critic is an inevitable part of our inner world, but it doesn’t have to be a tyrant. By giving it a seat at your Committee Meeting, you can harness its value without letting it negatively impact your life. Try hosting a Committee Meeting with your inner critic, and let me know how it goes!
P.S. For more clinically validated ACE treatment solutions endorsed by Dr. Vincent Felitti, check out the Enlightn app powered by True Sage!
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