I am in a lot of pain

I am in a lot of pain... and am going to try writing here.

I was just thinking.. "I will try to make the assumption that most people have good intentions"

Like my family.

Most of them, if not all of them, have "good intentions."

But they don't know what to do when I tell them I am depressed or suicidal.

Someone I respect on ACES once told me to get help. Or maybe a couple people told me that.

How do I tell them, in the "nicest" way - ie a way that is less likely that they will stop talking to me - for it hurts when people stop talking to me -- ie i feel more alone when people stop talking to me.......'

so how do i tell them in the softest, least hurtful or thretenin way that what they are doing  is contributing to my pain, not helping ease it?

i probably know the answer to that question. in theory

but right now i am not talking in theory. i am talking in practice. i am writing spontaneously.

the way i would write in my journal or to a teenager.

btw i the other day i tried to remember if any teenagers have ever told me "get help"

i cant recall one. but i can think of many adults who have said this.

what does that tell u? probably it tells u something different than it tells me

social rejection - u probably have seen the study that says that social rejection feels like physical pain to the brain.

pain.

pain

i write a lot about it. i write about what i call painful emotions. not negative emotions. negative in quotes.

look for the positive people say.  but should we look for the positive in smoking?

people say it helps them when they are stressed. so do i focus ont hat when i start to feel pain from people smoking and cigarette companies who profit?

should i look for the postive in war? i felt somewhat encouraged by the responses i got to my post about the soldier.

but so far, pretty much everything i have written about teen suicide has gotten mostly silence as a response. disapproval in other words. i dont expect people here are going to bully me. but stil, silence is pretty much the same as disapproval which is prety much the same as rejection and when u get rejected enough u feel alone. alone + rejection = pain

too much pain = suicide

no i am not threatening suicide.

the words "threatening suicide" pain me actually.

the times i have felt most suicidal, starting when i was 18 years old, i didnt tell anyone. i didn't "threaten" them

my family doesn't know what to say when i criticizing them. they think there is something wrong with me- not them.

so i have often wondered - is there something wrong with me or something wrong with my family

why didnt i tell anyone in my family that i was feeling suicidal at 18?  why didnt i tell them i was sexualy abused?

was there something wrong with me?

or was there something wrong with them?

why do teenagers tell me so many things they dont tel their parents?

is there something wrong with me, them or their parents?

something is wrong. but what is it?

it is not natural for a young person to have to tell strangers they are feeling suicidal or in pain.

so what went wrong?

it is natural to share things with ur parents. what kid doesnt say, look mommy. and want to share *everything*? at least at first. but then they learn. the emotionally intelligent ones learn faster. the sensitive ones learn faster. mommy doesnt care. or mommy doesn't have time. or mommy will disapprove.

or daddy.

but kids dont ask "is there something wrong with me or something wrong with mommy?"

i believe most here on aces would agree.

so when a teenager finds my site and they see that i write that i think there is something wrong with mommy, they finally start to see the truth. things finally start to make sense.

by the way, i want to ask everyone here, since we are all theoretically interested in trauma - could teaching a sensitive child about a concept like "hell" be traumatizing?

i am going to guess that a lot of people won't like that question.

but someone needs to ask it.

and someone needs to help the others see what they are doing.

jane has done an admirable job of helping people see how they and their beliefs are hurting, and even sometimes, killing children and teens. but i am even more of a non-conformsit than she is.

i would like her to go farther, but then again i cant do what she has done. so maybe someone who is better at "regulating" their feelings than i am can take some of my ideas into the "mainstream"

the mainstream depresses me. a lot of what i see on aces pains me or depresses me. but today my pain comes out in the form of energy to type not energy to pick up a gun and blow my brains out.

or to kill anyone else either. which reminds me of "American Sniper" that i have been learnng about...

maybe later i will write about that. or about Leelah Alcorn. And how her Christian parents basically have gotten away with murder, as so many parents do. People even feel sorry for them. But I don't. We don't need more people like them. We need more people like Leelah.

Ok I lied. I feel a little sorry for the parents. But not much.

Maybe if I were a slave owner I would feel sorry for the other slave owners when one of their slaves runs away. But I am not a slave owner.  So my heart goes out to the slaves, not the masters.

now i have just lost a lot of my writing. i hit the wrong keys and it is gone. i thought i had been saving it to a clipboard program, but when i looked it wasnt there.....

all those words, important to me, and i believe, to the world, gone. lost. forever. i can never re-create them in the same way. in the same flow.

disbelief. can they really be gone? pain.... loss.

i think that one day i will also be gone. suddenly. and all my words, my feelings will die with me. unless.. unless someone else keeps them alive.

i remember one thing i wrote. now two.

i wrote about how i think americans and christians are funny people. starting fires with one hand and trying to put them out with the other. and not understanding where all the flames and smoke are coming from.

and i wrote that i was afraid some pple might think saying something like that is "innappropriate" and i asked that before anyone tells me that to please read my writing on that word

www.eqi.org/inapp.htm

and i think that is about all i can say now... it has drained me to write this and then lose so much of it. and i remember i wrote about how it has taken so much of my energy to fight against people who deny, debate and defend. the 3D response to threats we might say.

and i wrote more about the movie the american sniper. and how he thought it was "fun" to kill people.

and i wrote about this nice "mantra" that the US government teaches its young people. when they want to turn them in to killing machines

they teach them to say

blood blood blood makes the green grass grow.

well i learned something anyhow, i learned how the clipboard program works...

*shakes head...

btw who remembers this song

where have all the soldiers gone? gone to graveyards everyone.