356 pounds?! Are you kidding me, Michael? What the fuck are you doing to yourself?
Every morning I would wake up and watch the number on the scale tick up as I slowly allowed obesity to run wild and consume my body. Fat.
I was always the chubby kid. I shopped in the boy's husky section at Walmart as a preteen. Husky for the unware is the polite nomenclature for fat kids. I spent summers running around with my shirt on. I ate entire boxes of gummy bears for dinner. I never ordered just one of anything. In part, I recognize that those behavior patterns are tied to abuse and the other connected to not knowing anything about food or nutrition. I grew up in poverty, and let me tell you this - there is no kale on the corner.
My issues with eating. I dare say my disorder only began when I started to experience abuse at an intensified level. I have vivid memories and photographic evidence that I wasn't always a little thick around the waist. When I came across the ACE survey and discovered that the foundation was tied to weight loss and gain in adults and the correlation between obesity and childhood sexual trauma, my mind was blown. When my mother married my step-father, everything that was bad got a thousand times worse. And wouldn't you know it, the more I was beaten, criticized, abused, hurt, and dismissed, the more I hoarded food and ate myself sick. There is likely also causation is being threatened to not be feed and being beat for not eating Brussell sprouts, but I'm no doctor.
I find it peculiar and systematic that I come from a family of both obese and abused people. I also find it odd that we live in a society that obese people are often mocked and ridiculed when, in reality, they are probably dealing with some major shit. As a formerly obese human being, I know that the impact of the reflection in the mirror was enough to drive anyone further down the rabbit hole. Yet, we cast judgment on others. And I will say this I have been shamed, and I have shamed. No one is innocent here, but we can be better.
So, what do you do when you are faced with being stuck in a place of suffering, The Vortex and I so delicately have named it? Perhaps I am way off base here, but I believe that you have to first begin to heal your body before you can start to heal your mind, or it may be a synonymous result of doing each simultaneously. If you have read The Body Keeps the Score, you know that our bodies store childhood and adult trauma. If you didn't read it well, your body stores childhood and adult trauma. And often, that trauma is literally trapped in your skin.
What does healing the body after trauma mean? In those moments of pain that we experience we nervous system goes haywire; we find ourselves in fight or flight. Our sympathetic nervous system is in control, essentially shutting off all functions that are not mandatory for survival. Think about when you have had a near-death experience and how your ears ring, your eyes go into tunnel vision, and you are hyper-aware. Now multiple that by every day of a childhood filled with abuse. My friend has been set up for a critical system failure.
Our Parasympathetic system is for rest and digestion. This is a place of healing and recovery and the body's mechanism for recovery. When this system is activated, you cannot function optimally. You must get this system firing on all cylinders to heal effectively and to be fully functional. How do you activate this parasympathetic system? Breathing a start, but for me, yoga was the catalyst to healing my body and my mind. There are so many modalities to choose from that I think you have to explore what suits you, but you may need to try a little of everything, which was my experience.
I think about my life before healing my body, which also included self-care like going to the doctor, not drinking everyday, losing 150 pounds, quitting smoking, learning to meditate, and generally just moving through the day and the incredible mental benefits that came from those actions. Our bodies are designed to both fight and heal and what we must understand about that is as an adult, we can step into healing. And it is scary, and yes, it's hard and, yes, sometimes embarrassing. I get it. There has never been a moment more frightening in my life than the first time I stepped into a hot yoga studio. I was still about a hundred pounds overweight and mortified that all of the fit sweat glistening bodies would ostracize me. But the truth I discovered, much to my surprise, is that not only did they not care that I was in the room, but they welcomed and encouraged me to change my life. The power of community cannot be overstated here, which applies in so many areas of our lives.
We have to get out of our own way when it comes to healing our bodies, and we have to acknowledge that patience is the cornerstone of this journey. As I sit here writing this 10 years removed from the first time I stepped into a hot yoga studio, I am fit, healthy, and at peace with my body and mind. There was a lot of CrossFit, miles ran, tears cried, cakes not eaten, and self-esteem building in that process. And I can tell you this, there is no way that I would be in the mental space I am in now if I hadn't put myself in the uncomfortable position of taking my life back and learning to love my body. I encourage you to step into the unknown and experience the power of putting your body first because, on the other side of healing your body, you will heal your heart and your mind.
Sending love to all my husky boys.
Until next time my friend…
Be Unbroken,
-Michael
P.S. You can take my brand new 1-hour course: The Key to Healing for FREE. Click Here:www.linktr.ee/michaelunbroken
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