Is it Time to Divorce Your Family?

While I definitely believe in every person's (survivor's) right to their options, I too, have tried to hang in there with my family.  My parents are both gone now.  It's my siblings that present the MOST difficulty (two sisters who may or may not have been sexually abused; one brother who was definitely affected).  They all live in denial.  They all have made me their scapegoat.  It's easier for them to shun me than it is to deal with the pain and the truth.  I'm not sure that brick wall will EVER come down for me.  But I've left the door open.  I don't want to divorce my family.  I want us all to deal with, accept, and move on from the childhoods we endured.  Divorce, for me, is not an option.  These are people I love and who I know love me too.  I'm just a representation of everything they want to try to forget.  And with two children of my own to raise, I'm NOT going to live that way.  Great post; lots to think about; definitely something to keep in mind with EVERY adult survivor of an abusive family.  Thanks for sharing and writing it.  Brenda

Maybe a middle road is learning to implement appropriate boundaries. A boundary may be as slight as a "chalk line" or definitive as a concrete wall, but there are also boundaries in between. Sunday I will have Mother's Day lunch with my mother who did nothing to intervene, even when I confided in her. Many years later, I have a guarded love for her.

People need to realize that family may contain the abuser...but they're still the only family one has. This is complex and needs to be respected by all parties. This is reworking the attachments, and is not simple.

Thanks for sharing.

I hope it's okay to photocopy/print out this article for a friend who has told me she wanted to divorce her family. She told me her stepfather first tried to impose himself sexually when she was only 14....and her mother "witnessed" it, and did nothing to protect her....more than likely out of fear of domestic violence being perpetrated upon them both....

Thank you Tina Marie, I hear you and appreciate your comment.  

I like you wanted to leave earlier but could not and also because I felt responsible for my siblings and wanting them to be safe.  I did finally when I left to go to collage and it was also then that I finally had to face what I have lived through.  I was far enough away for the feelings and the pain to come up to the surface 

Today I have a great relationship with my mom and she (20 years too late) did apologize and cried with me for having not protected me when I was a child.  I say to late, because I had healed from the wound, and forgiven her for it.  The apology from my mother, was more for her, that was clear in that moment.  And I was happy to accept it from her.

The time away was good for all, mostly me, while I healed, restored and re-connected with who I am! 

Thank you again for your comment and for sharing your story with me. 

Love and Light, Svava

My thought was to divorce my family when I was 17 (even much younger). However, my parents had two more kids and so I was very worried about them.  I had to go back.  This won't happen for most of us. I got lucky and I understand the pain one feels when as an adult going back to the ones that hurt you so much and then having them reject what you say... but in my case and it could happen for others.... If you can take the hits, you may get your family back.  At this point my mother understands how bad she hurt us. What I think I did that helped her to acknowledge was to acknowledge how much she had been hurt as a child.  Last Friday, I talked to my mom (who saw what my dad was doing and ignored it) for 6.5 hours.  I hope I don't seen to be dismissive. I understanding walking away... but I know.... sometimes that seemingly impenetrable wall can be broken down.  I have seen my mom multiple times trying to explain to my brother that his psychological symptoms were related to the bad things that she let happen to him. I could see how painful it is for her when he simply cannot hear her but imagine the mother as she is trying to tell her delusional son.... It is my fault you are so hurt and I am so sorry.  That is what my mom has done.  

If one were lucky enough to obtain this... For me, it has made a tremendous difference in how I feel.  

For those not that lucky, I also understand walking away.........

I hope this is not hurtful to say.... Thanks