Judging Me

Dear Mr. Olcott,

A very powerful and cohesive message. It is hard to believe that your
speech would have been anything less than cohesive. Our journey is long
filled with twists and turns. I would submit you have much insight.
Whenever we go back in time and look at an event I try to be mindful that
it reflects a snapshot in time when life is really so much more fluid.
There is so much to learn from your experiences and the goodness that
radiates from within you. Best Wishes! MEB

On Tue, Nov 3, 2015 at 9:47 PM, ACEsConnection <
communitymanager@acesconnection.com> wrote:

Your Honor and fellow ACEsConnection readers,

 

I have been blessed in many respects.

     On the day I was sentenced [adjudicated a 'youthful offender'], to a period of incarceration, the judge told me [from the bench], that he wanted me to come and see him "when I got out". PTSD and developmental trauma had not even been conceptualized, at that time. ACEs hadn't been formally studied or conceptualized either. 

     While incarcerated, I kept one index card, with a quote from George Bernard Shaw, scotch-taped to the wall of my cell: "To Punish a man, you must Injure him; To Reform a man, You must Improve him; And Men are not Improved by Injuries." During a prison-wide shake-down search of cells, shortly before I was released on parole, it was the only item taken from my cell.

 

     In order to qualify for parole, I took a job as an investigator with the sixth largest OEO Legal Services [poverty law] project in the country. The first case assigned to me involved locating the owner/founder of a "dummy" Computer training school, which the previous investigator had been unable to locate in the previous 2 + years. Many of the women we represented in this matter, were on welfare, and trying to "better" themselves, and their children's lives. I reviewed the case file, in its entirety, the third night I worked there, and found a receipt this Computer school owner had initialed-with his middle initial. No other documents contained his middle initial. I sent a letter off to the state Secretary of State's office, asking who had filed the articles of incorporation for this school. A few days later, I got a reply from the Secretary of State, noting the name of a local attorney. I called the attorney's office, and ended up speaking with the attorney in question. I told him honestly, who I was, and why I was calling... The attorney told me he no longer represented him, ... but that he resided at such and such street, in the suburban town of such and such. I thanked him for his candor. I advised the OEO Legal Services attorney who assigned me the case, that I had subsequently double checked cross reference directories, and the address I'd been given was correct, and he could proceed with service of process on the case.

     During this time, I had also become friends with a [family practice] resident physician, who was sub-specializing in "Prison Medicine" at Attica. He shared his "problem-oriented medical record system" with me, and I used his idea and modified it for "problem-oriented legal record keeping" so that when law firms have [quarterly/semi-annual] case conferences on open cases, such problems don't have to take 2+ years to locate a defendant. The physician also invited me to attend a Toastmasters International club he and another friend I met through him, attended. I didn't often disclose that I'd been in prison, but most of the members of that Toastmasters club knew I'd just been released from prison. Unbeknownst to me, one of the members of that club-who was then one of 16 or so, international board members of Toastmasters International, proposed changing the by-law/requirement for membership, that applicants had to be "of good moral character". Reportedly, during discussion of that agenda item, someone asked him why he was proposing the change, ... and he reportedly said: "Because I don't know anyone of good moral character." I was subsequently availed, and accepted, membership in that club/organization. During my first prepared speech, I was "awestruck" by eye-contact from forty adults, as I presented my ice-breaker speech, entitled: "Just a Spoonful". I also later shared it with a Stanford University Psychology professor, who was conducting what is now known as the Stanford Prison Experiment. I subsequently also [asked to] share it [aloud] with the Judge who had asked me to come and see him, "when I got out", in his chambers. When I finished reading [aloud] that 6 1/2 minute speech, he started crying [tears] at his desk. I walked over to his desk and assured him I held no animosity toward him, and thanked him for asking me to come and see him, "when I got out". We chatted a bit more, before I left.

     "Just a Spoonful" was hardly a "Cohesive Narrative". but I would say your book "Judging Me", might very well meet "Cohesive Narrative" criteria. I haven't yet read it, in it's entirety, but I hope to. I think we all might benefit from perusing the World Health Organization's ACE International Questionaire (IQ), which has a few more than just the 10 questions on the U.S. CDC/Kaiser-Permanente ACE study questionaire. It's available on the WHO website.

Judge Bullock,

 

Thank you for the kind words. You as well, Dr. Hahn. But I can claim no special gifts. I am fortunate to have had a mother who taught me the value of hard work and ready voraciously as an example. She herself was afflicted with a heavy trauma load, but demonstrated so many fine qualities and talents. I believe that the positive behaviors that ACE's drives us towards, relentless in our search for praise and the good feelings it gives us for a short while, helped me get the attention I received and led adults in my life steer me to, first Princeton, then the University of Michigan Law School. I was far from being a gifted student, but performed as average. Because of my life experience, I have steered those who would listen away from believing there is a magic pill called resilience that can cure us. I believe the behaviors that help us achieve are but a variation of negative and neutral behaviors that help us to survive. I am blessed by having traveled a different path than my sisters, who have had more negative outcomes than I have. My desire to help change the way we manage health care comes from the almost contemporaneous deaths of one sister and my father, both laboring under heavy trauma loads that were not healed in any substantive way. I add 2 nephews to that list, and many other family, friends and acquaintances. I hunger for the day when one of our political leaders, from the IHS, from Indian Country or any other influential vantage point, will have a real conversation about what is possible. I have been speaking this message since 2005, and keep trying to refine it was I learn. I often wish I were brilliant, or more accomplished, and that some in positions of influence, would hear my message. It is different from so many that I hear, but that, I fear, makes it hard for me to enter the debate.

 

I am thankful for you words and using your influence to help change our world for the better. All my best wishes as you walk on your path to health and change.

 

Patrick

The temptation to reply is so strong, even though the adage less is more probably applies here!  Also I don’t want to risk losing my being called very wise!!

I’d like to keep that!

Was it a hell on Earth?  The question begs: compared to whom/what?

I believe I have a slightly lower ACE score than you for example, but also a lower Resilience score ie your grandparents as models, regardless of whether they were alive or around for much of your life, they were there, somewhere.  Someone positive you could think of and know you could use them as role models when you thought of your family.  Obviously, you needed to skip your father on that count!!  Just what (and why) happened to him is a topic for another discussion (?!), I think.

I believe there are many people in much worse positions than me, but as you wrote earlier, have no voice, little language to grapple with a coherent understanding of the surrounding childhood chaos, which so often eventuates in a vulnerability to others in so many ways, well into adulthood.  Which of course then leads to most people in these circumstances having poor outcomes with (usually) every aspect of their health.  Did you do the Resilience score as well as ACE?  It gives a more rounded understanding, I think.

And I am curious about people.  Their motivations and intentions are important for me to understand. - I’d be dead if I were a cat long ago (nine lives et al).  I’m often happy to transgress peoples’ boundaries in order to find out just how they tick.  Hint: don’t attempt this behaviour if you want to write a book along the lines of How To Win Friends and Influence People.

But I am certainly intelligent enough to recognize truly intelligent people, and as I wrote, without the ensuing/accompanying compassion etc the single attribute of intelligence means little to me.  Lots of those people everywhere!   Just as ‘only’ having compassion is not going to help a larger number of people.

- Although it would certainly be ‘nice’ for those around such people!  To be surrounded by people in your life that have both, is a fantasy of mine that I find hard to let go of… 
And on those very very rare occasions I do come into contact with them, I like to let such people know how special they are.

So yes, not giving a lot of detail about my background, except I’m sure you picked up my malignant narcissist reference - that gives you a clue.  It’s not that interesting (yet everyone has that long story they could tell that is fascinating if only to themselves!), except to me - particularly when I am prone to indulge in self pity on occasions (knowledge gained from internal and external sources!) and have to force myself to move on from there!

Please, do not encourage me to write more.  I am NOT a practical person, and love communicating like this, instead of…well, pretty much everything/anything.

Best to you MEB!

 

Dear Ms. Lang,

 

By far the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. How did you become so very wise? I pray it was not because your hell was on earth.

 

MEB

 

 

OK, my final comment.  For what it's worth...

To me the highest honour that someone can give is to say those who have high intelligence AND compassion and desire to help others cannot be surpassed by anyone else on the planet.  From my life experience I have come away with this consistent thought.  It is so very very rare.

A higher honour than Harvard Law School, etc etc. and the higher external appearances of a successful life. 

Humbly(!)

Mem

 

Wow,

 

I am not sure what to say except that I am so honored to hear someone who speaks to my heart.  My dad was a terrible psychopath too. I came to want to use my talents also for those less fortunate who could not speak up for themselves and I have a burning desire in my heart, in fact I believe the only reason I was born (possibly simply as a way to help myself make something positive from a  childhood so horrific and hideous) was to use my skills to educate the public about how this so harms our collective soul and that it is in all of our interest to become educated about how horrific child abuse is to humanity and to children who are our future. Thanks so much your honor.  It is a pleasure to read your words and to, when I sometimes feel like this is such a difficult fight, have my chalice refilled to begin the work again. 

 

Thank you.  

 

Tina

Dear Ms. Lang,

I understand the question. My Father was a diagnosed psychopath, con artist
and all and selling me to a variety of people with special proclivities was
strictly for income. My grandparents were a different story. My grandfather
was a PhD graduate from Harvard and taught at the Ivy League Colleges and
my Grandmother was an activist and wrote titillating stories for Modern
Romance back in the days. i was gifted to have them in my life and I
definitely take after them as my Grandmother was a real character and my
grandfather's braininess was passed on to me. I am a very strong advocate
for civil rights and work tirelessly for the dispossessed, disenfranchised
and disillusioned. I have a calling that burns within me to date. I did not
have a voice as a child but I definitely have one now and I will not
tolerate the Government's abuse of its federal employees. The judicial
system is corrupt. There is precious little justice today and the playing
fields are not level. Changing the laws for the abused and those that have
become objectified such as women, minorities, children, and the disabled is
the fight I bring to the table. This is because I have the brain power to
do it and those that need me the most are the least likely to have the
resources to pay for my work. Thus, I gift it to the universe. I would like
to say I received something positive from my father but you cannot make
something from nothing. Believe me when I relay I tried.

Best Wishes!

MEB






On Mon, Nov 2, 2015 at 2:08 PM, ACEsConnection <
communitymanager@acesconnection.com> wrote:

Ha! Two people who have well exceeded in life as to what could have been!

My question to you both: the genetic component of your over the top IQs, have you ever wondered where that came from?  Was this also part of the problem for this relative, that they were not able to express it in an meaningful healthy form?

You have both come so far, and indeed are fantastic role models!

Dear Dr. Hahn,

You are an amazing woman! It is often strange to me that some of our
heroes, such as yourself, do not know just how much of a role model they
are. I understand what you are referring to. My example for that is yes I
possess an IQ of 190. A very dear friend of mine summed it up well when he
stated: "You know Mary Elizabeth, if you did not have all the abuse stuff
to work through you would be teaching law at Harvard and be a US Supreme
Court Justice." But I am NOT doing either of the above. Having an ACE score
of 10 out of 10 the above was not destined for me. I am alright with where
I am as long as I continue to work these issues out. Even if we still had
self-help remedies where I could put a knot on my father's head for what he
did to me its useless to go backwards instead of forward. You are already
amazing but I understand what you are saying. I don't believe I had to be
all of the things I did to make up my 14 page resume because I was lovable
from the start I do not need to prove myself. All of this is in hindsight -
although, better to know this now than later or not at all! It removes any
pressure of having to continue to do something which I don't really need to
do. I learned longtime ago to say "NO" to various opportunities because I
do not think I have to keep proving myself ALL of the time. I hope this
comment helps rather than hinders. Best Wishes! MEB

On Sun, Nov 1, 2015 at 2:00 PM, ACEsConnection <
communitymanager@acesconnection.com> wrote:

Dear Mr. Anderson,

 

So much to think about. I learned a great deal from your conversation and look forward to doing some things differently. For example, the voices that converse in our heads I refer to as "The Committee." The Committee is more vocal at certain times then others (probably when I am stressed and less capable of dealing with these voices that would like my attention NOW). The Committee is a loud mouthed group of very rude disembodied voices. They talk over each other and nothing ever gets resolved so my coping mechanism for this to become very singularly focused on my work which brings clarity. But, after reading what you said I will welcome these voices, but one at a time. I will advise them to "State their case succinctly and begone!" It appears that the "excuse bank" is never empty! 

 

Just so some people do not get me wrong - I certainly don't hear voices, rather it is the arguments I go through in my head when I am particularly stressed. They bring no gifts, unless you are motivated by headaches! I will have to work on listening better and let them know I will take their "arguments under advisement." 

 

Thank you for reaching out to me with the gifts of your thoughts on  the topics because it allows me more positive coping methods and better tools for my arsenal. 

 

Best Wishes!

 

MEB

Thank you MEB for your exceedingly kind words. I'd like to write to you after I've read your book.  

Glad the comments from others also gave you food for thought.  Always, always more to  learn about oneself and the world, no matter who one is, if one has the energy and mettle to seek 'the truth'.  You certainly to seem to have these qualities!

Thank you too, Patrick, for alerting us to MEB's book.

Good day, your Honor,

 

What a privilege it is to have you join this conversation. Dr. Felitti spoke to the National Congress of American Indians on Tuesday 2 weeks ago. He did it extemporaneously, without his PowerPoint, which resided on his dead computer. He spoke again about your story in front of a couple thousand American Indians, a constituency I have been attempting to spread the ACE message to since 2008. Our population has many stories like yours, and I am anxious for the day we have a greater conversation about childhood inflicted trauma and it's impact on our behaviors and health. As one who administered rural Alaska health care systems serving this population for 10 years, I recognized the impact ACE's has on behaviors and health. But I realized that we have many successful individuals with multiple ACE's. It permeates our lives while we work hard to dismiss the impact, plot revenge on our perpetrators or deal with the health consequences with no understanding of its relationship to our developmental history. I admit that I have used your story as caution for others to believe that resilience is an inherent behavioral strength that some people have. When I read how our neurological chemical production affects how we respond to threats through development of our emotions of fear and anxiety, I came to realize that those who achieve have substituted success (and the respect praise that accompanies it) for negative behaviors. That's why I speak about negative, neutral and positive behaviors that feed our self attempt at healing. But what I have discovered is that we still have the suppressed immune system that allows, at a minimum, cancers, autoimmune and heart diseases to affect us. The healing protocol I have advocated for and explained on AcesConnection is my humble attempt to address true healing. But it's difficult to enter a conversation where there is none, so I am always pleased to hear those who have been heavily impacted speaking out and bringing attention to this important concept.

 

Dr. Joseph LeDoux has contributed substantially to my understanding of what our brain does to us after the infliction of trauma. His book, Anxious, is currently the culmination of his study of fear dating back to, I believe, 1989. His description of the development of emotions for fear and anxiety as hinging on our cultural interpretation of the threat response have led me to more insight on how to address fear and anxiety. I currently think about our emotional response as a muscle. While behavioral counselors want us to talk about our fears and anxieties, I believe there is more relief coming from exercising them away by recognizing each and dismissing them. I do this through Meditation and Mindfulness. My Meditation Coach taught us to welcome the thoughts as old friends, fear and anxiety. They are often accompanied by bodily feelings, which I believe you are very familiar with from your comments on this post. When they appear in our thoughts, we say hello and tell them that we know they like to visit us and cause us to respond in various ways, negative, neutral and positive. Then I tell fear thoughts that I know you are from a past that can no longer harm me, so I will let go of you as soon as I am able. I tell anxiety that I know you are describing a future that is intended to motivate me to respond, but because you are so rarely right, I will let you go as well, as soon as I am able. This is the exercising I am referring to. I believe it takes us a while to learn how to let them go. In contrast, I do not remember many of the ACE precipitating events that harmed my family. They happened before I achieved language and memory sufficient to remember them. I know they exist because my mother told me about them, and my sisters and I exhibited the protective responses ACE's generates. I recommend a wide menu of techniques that seem to help people, including Dr. David Berceli's "Trauma Release Exercises." 

 

I want to thank you for telling your story, and by so doing, authorize advocates for a trauma healing environment to speak of it. And thank you for sharing your feelings through this small and humble post. You story, added to the many others who have been willing to share, will make a difference. 

Dear Ms. Lang,

What a dear person you are, witty, bright and compassionate. The answer to your well posed question is yes and here is my home number if you ever have a chance to call (619) 255-7142. I am not concerned about giving out my number because people are generally very respectful and I have had very little problems over the past forty years in doing so. My e-mail address is judgebullock1949@gmail.com. Both you and Mr. Anderson have given me some questions I want to think through because of the value to me on this on-going journey. I learned more about myself from reading the reviews that my book received on Amazon and in the East County News when my book was reviewed, not just the reviewer but the comments from other women similarly situated. Just go to Google and enter my name as Honorable Mary Elizabeth Bullock. It will pop-up. This is a life long journey. I have tried to fashion something positive from all the debris, taking the good from the bad, and I maintain a sense of humor that I think is the key to keeping it all together.

 

I know I should sleep, so I will wish you a good night with pleasant dreams!

 

Best Wishes!

 

MEB

Ah, are you alluding to the tall, dark, handsome malignant narcissist, perchance?!

A topic dear to my heart, but I dare not comment on here, if I am in fact correct!

Dear Ms. Lang,

 

I love your writing and the way your brain synthesizes material. You are absolutely correct I am ferociously determined, a force to be reckoned with, but then so are you. Without that fierceness I would have crawled up and died. I knew I had to get away from those people, and at 15 years of age I went to the University of San Diego with every intention of joining the convent until I didn't. Mr. Anderson was correct. I paid a heavy price. The bedroom was where I waged my wars. Revenge for the sins of my father found me in relationships that were deadly. Mr. Tall, Dark and Dangerously Handsome reached out to me in a vector like force, watching the shadows fall over those thick dark lashes sent me to a special hell of my own making. I asked for it and he did not deny me. My research revealed that many women with my background work out their intimacy issues in the most convoluted way. It is amazing we do not fall into the dark abyss without being able to still find purchase to crawl back up again to do the same thing again and again until one day we say "No more pain." This was never about him - it was always about me. Accountability, I learned it the hard way.

 

Best Wishes!

 

MEB

 

Respectfully,

 

MEB 

I'm not good at leaving well enough alone...

Thinking about it, you don't seem a determined person MEB, you seem ferociously determined.

Nothing and no one was going to stop you reaching your goals.  You never gave up no matter the cost.  

I just have to wonder what is happening in someone's brain etc that allows such a phenomenon, especially given the most horrendous background circumstances. 

Truly, as I am so often saying, there should be public acknowledgement.  A type of Nobel Prize for the ability to do the seemingly near impossible.  

Whatever it is, if only it could be captured and bottled...!!!

Back to: must read your book.  Cheers!

Hello, Hon. Mart Elizabeth Bullock.  I was quite surprised that you read this on this website!

Something that you wrote struck a familiar chord in those that rise above their circumstances: 

I knew there was a different way of life in the world and I wanted that life so I visualized that life for me everyday in every way.

It seems a common statement from those who decide to do something different from what was experienced/witnessed.  But it is another to actually be able to successfully carry that through one's life, especially to the level you did AND with children.  Yet you did it.  I still have many questions, but probably best to read your book!

All the best to you too.

Dear Ms. Lang,

Thank you for the kind comments. You are correct - you cannot get through this without having compromised your physical body, especially the immune system. I scored ten points out of ten on the ACE Study. If those questions had been asked of me early on I would have come forward with the answers. But, they were not. I am not certain one could describe me as resilient so much as I wanted to live and everyday was a life and death experience. I did not want to be murdered like my brother or die from dirty needles as my siblings who went to heroin at the young ages of 12 and 13. I wanted to live, even when it meant crawling on the floor with blood coming from every and all orifices. I knew there was a different way of life in the world and I wanted that life so I visualized that life for me everyday in every way. Without visualization I never could have made it. When the pain was so bad I went to my happy place, home, hearth, children, a career as a judge and seven minute frosting. I wanted something so different for my own children and that I have managed to do, even as a widow. There has always been a passion almost out of my control to do it and live it so differently than what I grew up with. I do not know how I accomplished it all. Baby steps. Every year I would set goals. As the years passed the distance I traveled by simply taking baby steps grew and grew. It is amazing what one can accomplish over time. I pray that all of us can visualize a future different from the reality we grew up with. Visualization was my saving grace. Best Wishes to everyone! MEB

Just to add: incredible resilience of the mind, but she appears to certainly have paid a price with her physical health. That's a critical factor: having the resilience of the mind without the body being attacked...  Is it possible?!

Mary Bullock seems to be another incredible outlier We need all the outliers we can get.  They are 'somehow' able to transcend the boundaries of the complex chaos that was their home life and articulate that which seems beyond articulation and go further than most people seem to be capable of In such deplorable circumstances.  Just how they manage to do this is the great mystery.  Resilience yes,obviously, but some refinement of the 'process' involved in gaining such remarkable resilience, would be immeasurably insightful. Maybe the book goes into that detail...

Her book received great reviews, so I too will put it on my must read (eventually!) list.