Just Let It Go – Yeah, Right

And, the “what” that I’m supposed to let go of is actually my physical body - it’s a deep and persistent message to not exist 

I am very thankful for this article.  As our early childhood systems move forward to address ACES and prevent the next generation, I continually remind that we cannot nor should we simply tell people what to do and they will be healed from their trauma.  I too become quite snarky about the suggestions of telling people to do "A" and "B" will happen.  How about we simply listen and support.  How about we refrain from trying to fix it?

Hi Cissy,
I am glad you found the piece helpful.  I work in helping people resolve (yes, resolve beyond strategies) this sort of stuff and I really appreciate you naming the struggles that parents face because we sit all the time.  Specifically, what we notice is that when the child reaches the age that ACEs began for the parent, the parent struggles more with what's unresolved for her as she witnesses her child moving through developmental stages.  If the parent experienced ACEs from in utero, then she can literally struggle from the moment of awareness of the pregnancy even if she is pregnant inside a loving relationship because she didn't have a safe, secure holding environment in utero herself as a fetus.

If you want to learn more about developmental trauma and the strategies we create to survive, I strongly recommend Dr. Laurence Heller's book, Healing Developmental Trauma.  When I read this book, I no longer felt crazy around the imprints I had left over from having a paranoid narcissist father. For me this book is a must read for anyone with ACEs it normalizes what we struggle with and shows very clearly a pathway to leading a life more free of the awful imprints like fear of visibility.

Also, I want to say a big thank you to you and your team for creating ACES Connection.  What a wonderful resource!

--Suzie

THANK YOU SO MUCH for this piece. It's so helpful. Especially this: 

Here we see the connection between my fear of visibility and biological survival.  Since my old early warning system said all visibility was dangerous, I unconsciously stopped myself from taking any action that would increase my visibility. 

I even tried Toastmasters to help with public speaking, but for me, it wasn't effective because it was not the speaking part that was hard, it was that people were looking at me while I was speaking. It was the eye contact and having eyes on me. The only time it is easy is in a Q&A or a debate, which somehow does not activate the terror or vulnerability. Thank you for helping me understand some of my own persistent trauma-related "stuff" and giving some strategies for healing (or at least better understanding). Because it really can get in the way.  

Thanks for the writing prompt about "what's good about being invisible," and helping remind me how very powerful that strategy has been and how many situations, survival based, it worked well in. Thanks for inviting me to consider other ways. For me, if I'm motivated by feeling there's some injustice I can dig deep and work with or around the fear, but it's always pretty taxing and hard, not easy or seamless. 

Also, I think this also comes up as a deep and big issue for parents. For parents, with a lot of trauma and ACEs to be so needed, central, visible, as a parent/caretaker, to have a baby who not only sees the parent but needs and zooms in on the parent all the time, it can be so disorienting and disquieting. For me, I didn't even realize how often I was in my head or checked out (and liked it that way) til I had a kid. It felt I was forced to come into my body and senses because parenting is so tactile, emotional, and present tense. I was utterly exhausted and felt like the entire way I operated needed to change. It felt overwhelming and perplexing because others didn't seem to be in as much shock. 

Thanks again for this piece. I really appreciate it and reading the comments of others who have responded. We're all in this together!
Cis

Thanks for posting this and expressing something that affects many other people. As a society, we too often tend to latch onto simplistic slogans rather than addressing the underlying issue, (Think "Just say no", "Get over it", "Stop smoking" etc., without asking the more important question, "What does it do for you?")

Thanks for posting this, Suzie. I lived most of my life trying to be invisible, for similar reasons. Luckily, there's some inner spark that propels me out of my protective shell when I'm really interested in doing something (such as starting ACEs Connection), and I can forget that part of myself for a while. Nevertheless, it dogs my actions and gets in the way.

Hi Suzie,

Your sentence "By nurturing this deeper awareness of where these old alarm bells come from, we begin to rewire our system and differentiate the past from the present" has been the sentence that I have needed for a while now. Thank you!

As I continue to learn more and more about ACEs, developmental trauma and childhood emotional neglect, I am noticing that some people I share my A-ha's with in regards to these "old alarm bells" and behavioral adaptations, are quick to express "move on", "let it go", "get over it already", "that's how parents were back then" "that didn't bother me".

Your sentence was a gift of grace in encouraging me to nurture this deeper awareness that is arising and how I CAN begin to rewire my system as well as differentiate the past from the present.

Thank you for your courage to speak up and be seen. Your lived experience is a gift of hope to others!