Letting Go Of Your Phantom Life With Perspective Training

Robert,  I can't even imagine how painful it must have been. I pray that someday that deep wound within you is healed. May you have the grace and strength to overcome this terrible loss. Love & Hugs  

I'm glad that you're healing, Bob. And I'm sorry that you experienced such a wrenching and devastating event, with its accompanying decades-long aftermath.

Yesterday, was the 53rd Anniversary of me witnessing my mother's handgun suicide, .... I thank everyone who 'bear'd with me' at this time of year. I'm glad I tried the EMDR-which stopped the 'flashbacks' after almost three decades... I'm not sure why it seemed more challenging this year, but it's passed now.

Thank you, Laura.

Honestly, being part of this community feels so good. That "Alone" feeling is slowly dissipating. More and more I feel part of this universe, and not like a piece of driftwood floating in the sea of hopelessness.

Cheryl,

You've described what I believe to be a nearly universal experience among those with a history of ACEs (as evidenced by the many comments below), but you've gone one step further and shared how you've successfully incorporated Roy's suggestions for perspective-changing into your own life. 

ACEs Connection is an absolute goldmine of good information and resources, but the personal testimonies of ACEs survivors are among the most powerful and valuable stuff on the site. Thanks for this, Cheryl.

--Laura

Oh my gosh! Number 3 on that list . . . perfect timing. Thank you for this beautifully honest and real post. I wish you continued success in making your dreams a reality.

Peace,

Teri

www.teriwellbrock.com

Thank you for sharing this Cissy!  For me, the person who that little girl became didn’t realize until recently that who she was wasn’t necessarily who she would have been without the abuse and neglect. Albeit her coping mechanisms were in theory unhealthy, looking back they served her quite well. It allowed her, me to enjoy the moment and relate to people and the world in a state of flow.

Since trusting my intuition last year, leaving my position for the unknown, I now have that “phantom loss”. Not for who I could have been before the my soul experienced trauma, but who I became because of the trauma. I must say I rather liked her! 

As I now learn how to live with the healed version of me I find myself in a daily dance with the “me” I was for all my life. There’s a hell of a lot of stumbling going on!

Who will end up leading this dance? Only time will tell!

With love and gratitude, Leslie & Leslie😊❤️

Thank you, Cissy, sharing on this site has been so healing. Like I mentioned earlier,  we don't need to explain ourselves here. All of us have been there - living, surviving and raising our kids. 

We are all sisters and brothers bonded in our healing and growth, Still, We Rise.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise. 

Still, I Rise - Poem by Maya Angelou

Cheryl:

This writing is so moving, informative, and relatable. I grieved and longed for my phantom life for so much of my healing. Who would I have been with safety, parents not in agony or absent ot overwhelmed... The family or health or just fun, ease or trust. Or lack of trauma or traumatic stress. I really relate. Over time, I feel the loss less and more anchoref in myself and adult  life not nearly as capsized by boulders and waves. It's so much work and effort thought and you captured that so  well!!! Your experiences, writing, honesty and perspective matter. You lost so much. I feel that. I hope you are proud of yourself for all you've created, learned, struggled and willed into Now.

Now, to watch the TedTalk you shared!!! Thank you!!! Cissy

Cheryl Miranda posted:

Ruth, thank you for your support.

It has been a real struggle having to let go of the bitterness of my perceptions of what my life should have been, in terms of lost opportunities and wasted years. Having to let go of those nagging 'if onlys' has been one tough battle.

Practising daily gratitude helps me keep my perceptions positive. Despite everything and by the Grace of God, I managed to raise a pretty decent human being. In fact, my son is my biggest  perception calibrator, he calls me 'My Supermom.' Hearing that is enough to not wish for any other life.

Cheryl Miranda posted:

Ruth, thank you for your support.

It has been a real struggle having to let go of the bitterness of my perceptions of what my life should have been, in terms of lost opportunities and wasted years. Having to let go of those nagging 'if onlys' has been one tough battle.

Practising daily gratitude helps me keep my perceptions positive. Despite everything and by the Grace of God, I managed to raise a pretty decent human being. In fact, my son is my biggest  perception calibrator, he calls me 'My Supermom.' Hearing that is enough to not wish for any other life.

Oh, now I'm teary eyed. Ya know, through it all, when we look back, or when others look back on our lives, we can see that by the way we lived our lives, (overcoming adversity) we were actually leading by example. When people close to us can see what we've accomplished, we know it was all worth it. Big hugs Cheryl. 

Ruth, thank you for your support.

It has been a real struggle having to let go of the bitterness of my perceptions of what my life should have been, in terms of lost opportunities and wasted years. Having to let go of those nagging 'if onlys' has been one tough battle.

Practising daily gratitude helps me keep my perceptions positive. Despite everything and by the Grace of God, I managed to raise a pretty decent human being. In fact, my son is my biggest  perception calibrator, he calls me 'My Supermom.' Hearing that is enough to not wish for any other life.

This is great Cheryl! I can relate to so much. We go through so many stages of recovery. Writing is a great way to do it. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk says we have to go through the REORGANIZATION OF PERCEPTION process (The Body Keeps the Score). In order to do that we have to grieve loss, Phantom life, Survivor guilt ....all that. Then we have to keep a balance in our lives to maintain recovery and to be able to help others. Hugs Cheryl. I'm with ya. 

Each one of us has to find our own healing mantra that helps us through tough times. Mine is Psalm 23, it has all the ingredients overcoming one's enemies, loving support and promise of success.

Yup, I have to work on keeping a positive frame of mind daily. And hope is what takes me through each. 

Thanks, Robert, I live to realize my dreams.

Thank You, Cheryl Miranda. 

I  periodically play an 'orchestrated' song by Blood, Sweat, &Tears entitled "Smiling Phases": "Do Yourself a Favor, Wake Up to your Mind; Life is what you make it, You see but still you're blind; Get yourself together, Give before you take, or you'll find out the hard way; ...   ". It helps me 'set my rhythm', get 'grounded', etc.

Hopefully, your dreams in the future, will at least be an integral part of your reality in the future.