My parenting was not ideal yesterday. I'd slept three hours the night before after a condo deal fall through days before closing.
I don't know where we'll be living in a few weeks. The house we are in did sell.
This is high stress.
All day I was distracted, distraught and on the phone over 50 times with real estate people, the bank, attorneys, friends, town hall and rental places. Not fun. It felt like my heart was a pulled muscle I couldn't unclench.
I cried a little but mostly felt an overwhelmed shutdown, the kind that comes with terrible.
When the realtor says, "This has never happened in 15 years" I think, "It's because of me. I did this. I am stupid and attract deceit (or blah, blah, blah)."
When my boyfriend says, "It's so unfair. It's not right," I think, "sounds just about like regular life...." as though I get to say, "I told you so" when life doesn't work out.
It takes everything I have not to say this is how always has and always will go and I am contagiously bad for those I love. I'm a toxin to these innocents.
In this state I am still a single mother who needs to work and parent.
Which yesterday, was not done well during this old familiar default mode I was in.
When I broke the bad news to my daughter and had to share that we weren't going to get paint after all for walls we wouldn't be decorating, I was still pissed off and upset and reeling. I wasn't making enough eye contact or listening.
I was not as convincing or present or soothing or comforting - not with details about what next or why insurance is a necessity and it being canceled for excessive claims has great impact on condo fees, coverage, etc. etc.
I wasn't aware enough of her sadness and confusion. When she said, "Why didn't they tell us sooner so we could have a place to live" I just wanted to sob.
I felt guilty, ashamed and like a bad mom as though I was causing this situation. I felt bad for not preventing a deal gone bad.
Even though it was out of my control. I was mediocre as her mother and dialing it in. She deserved more.
It's not easy to say.
I will.
Here's why.
Today is different. Yesterday, for most of the day, I could not get my brain out of a loop immediately of negative doom. I wanted to. I tried. I couldn't - not on my own - not instantaneously. Not effectively. I was not believable because I didn't believe it would all be o.k. eventually.
But I used guided imagery before bed. I Googled 'You Tube' Guided Imagery and said Tara Brach and Belleruth Naparstek til I find one I liked.
I couldn't stop my inner negative voice but I could tune into something else.
I couldn't pull up calm or warmth or gentleness but I could listen to someone else.
I allowed myself to be guided and driven and 'live in' a safer, happier and more calm moment, image and part of my brain.
And IT HELPED!!! It helped. It helped.
I was able to drift into sleep and stay asleep.
I woke up with all the same worries about where we will go, if and how we'll get the deposit back and a long list of calls, documents and things to sort through.
But I connected with myself and then my kid.
We made a plan to get fancy bath soap and mashed potatoes and iced coffee. We made a plan to get sushi and ice cream and gather ourselves and adjust. I feel more connected and present today.
I was able to let my friends be there - listening and supportive - even when I couldn't feel them getting in. Today, I was grateful, could feel the relief of having a partner who took the day off to field calls with me and who brought breakfast and coffee and hugs. It didn't help me instantly or right away, at the time, but I FELT it today and could express the appreciation.
This is healing at 49. This. The shift from yesterday to today.
Today I feel o.k. and it's in part because of those acts of love. And for connecting with myself and my kid. I can't control life events and I may always try despite that knowledge.
My friends loved me up this morning online and I went to guided imagery to feed me last night to break through my own numbness.
The people I couldn't meet yesterday sent loving thoughts. My mother gave me endless practical guidance and it was welcome and appreciated and I was able to allow it which can be hard for me. My sister and friends and partner and mom offered a place to live.
It's not fun. But it will be o.k.
We are o.k. even in a stressful situation. I know that at least in some moments and that - for this someone - with post-traumatic stress is AMAZING!
I'm grateful for guided imagery and the way it helps me change the fear channel when I just can't on my own.
And to my friends and loved ones and partner for helping me return to myself.
So I can return to them when I'm present.
So I can return to myself.
So I can be the mother I want to be and the one my mother daughter deserves. I can be that again without beating myself up for not being it from the get go though I wish I was.
So today I praise and share guided imagery and teachers and healers and free resources I can avoid and find in hard moments. Two I use:
- Tara Brach's You Tube talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdviZ2lSxfc
- Belleruth Naparstek: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyyd4MOI_R8
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