While in Philadelphia, during a visit to the Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility, the Pope shared the following words: “Any society, any family, which cannot share or take seriously the pain of its children, and views that pain as something normal or to be expected, is a society “condemned” to remain a hostage to itself, prey to the very things which cause that pain.” He also shared the meaning of the Bible passage of John (13:8) “If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me.”
Pope Francis told the inmates at Curran that unless he washed their feet, he would not be able to give them the life that the Father always dreamed of, the life for which He created them. He told them that life is a journey, along different roads, different paths, which leave their mark on us. Pope Francis brought them hope letting them know that in faith Jesus seeks us out. That Jesus wants to heal our wounds, to soothe our feet that hurt from traveling alone, to wash each of us clean of the dust from our journey. That Jesus comes to meet us, so that he can restore our dignity as children of God. And that Jesus wants to help us to set out again, to resume our journey, to recover our hope, to restore our faith and trust. He wants us to keep walking along the paths of life, to realize that we have a mission, and that confinement is not the same thing as exclusion.
I grew up in an unsafe home with my brother and sister often helplessly at my side, as our father physically and verbally abused our mother. Eventually when I grew old enough I tried to intervene and stop him and doing so drew his wrath. The sad truth is that as an adult I walked the path my father set for me and though I never hit my wife, I often verbally and emotionally abused her. Regrettably, our marriage did not endure the damage I wrought. Unable and unwilling to suffer the abuse, my wife left me. After 17 years she found the strength to leave primarily because she wanted to spare our six-year-old daughter the trauma we now know children experience when they grow up in an abusive home. The sort of home both my wife and I experienced growing up.
During this visit to the United States, Pope Francis repeatedly spoke about the common good and alluded to some of the necessary tools that one needs to be able to attain it. The last two years have been fruitful ones for me as I have become a Certified Echo Parenting Instructor and a Certified Domestic Violence Provider. Currently I facilitate 52 week domestic violence English and Spanish men groups at Another Way in Culver City, CA and Options Counseling in El Segundo, CA. I’ve also immersed myself in the acquisition of knowledge, particularly as it pertains to the impact of adverse childhood experiences on the developing brain.
With this in mind I would like to engage members of ACEsConnection in a dialogue around the issue of domestic violence. My feeling is that over the past 20 years we have learned a great deal about how “what happened to us” impacts the lives we live. This knowledge has filled me with hope, the hope that through this new knowledge and understanding, men like myself can be healed and transformed. And that in doing so they can become powerful advocates towards ending the cycle of violence in our world. Up to now I feel we have had a one-way conversation, one which is often divisive and shaming, specifically as it pertains to men.
I have also come to feel and believe that many of the systems and methods put in place to end interfamilial violence are sorely lacking and enhance confinement and exclusion rather than promote healing. I feel deeply that they would do well to heed the words of a bridge builder such as Pope Francis: “Any society, any family, which cannot share or take seriously the pain of its children, and views that pain as something normal or to be expected, is a society “condemned” to remain a hostage to itself, prey to the very things which cause that pain.”
The Pope came to the United States with the intention of starting a dialogue with us. I write in the hope of continuing that dialogue. If you have grown up in domestic violence or experienced it as an adult, please share your insights and stories with me and let’s begin a dialogue of hope.
I know we can end the cycle of violence and create the common good. It is not only our duty, but our responsibility to work together to make this a better world for our children.
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