This is a blog post recently shared on my blog speak4change.com
The hardest thing about healing from childhood sexual trauma is to accept that we were abused. When we finally tell our story to a trusted friend, in a support group, or a therapist, and they acknowledge that what we are sharing is abuse and that we have every right to be upset about it, it starts the healing process.
Part of surviving may have been to deny the reality we lived in growing up. As children, we made up stories about our families and ourselves, often at our expense. We pushed away the hurt and the feelings that someone we loved and trusted was hurting us and we did not understand why. We could not make sense of it, we were just children. The best thing we could do, was to reach the conclusion that we were somehow responsible for the abuse, that we were bad, or did something wrong. We commit to trying harder to be better, to do better, to be perfect; never really knowing what that is or what it looks like but we think we can figure it out.
Because we had to deny and hide a part of ourselves, it made us feel ashamed of ourselves. This behavior of children is normal and it is what we do to survive. But few of us understand the legacy we end up carrying with us into adulthood. How it colours our core beliefs about ourselves and the world and everyone in it. When we deny a part of ourselves, our experiences, we deny our hearts and who we truly are. We disconnect from others, from our hearts and our needs. We do it for so long and so well, we don’t even know we are doing it.
I had denied a part of me for so long as a child and a young woman that when I started my healing journey, I did not know that I was doing it. I forgot who I was! I thought who I had become, my coping, and surviving was the real me! I used to say, “This is just who I am”! It can feel risky to let the reality sink in. To allow the unfolding of the truth and what it means to us. What it tells us about ourselves, our beliefs, our relationships and how we see the world. But we need to be courageous, to take this risk in order to accept ourselves, all of it.
No one likes change. Change even for the better makes us feel uneasy and we resist. We know “this”, we know what to expect, we know how to respond. But chances are, if you are here, in the One Health community, that what you have been doing is not working. Perhaps it is getting in the way of you having the life you wanted. Perhaps you are feeling tired of it. Tired of the fear, anxiety, pain, and frustration. I understand. I have been there. I know the risk. I know the fear of feeling that the rug has been pulled from underneath you. But you are in the right place. That is often the turning point.
To restore ourselves, we must take stock and take a good look at ourselves and what needs changing. We need support. We need peers that can share with us when we doubt that what we are going through is normal. Yes, it feels risky, but it is worth it. We model for one another how to push through that fear, the discomfort, the feelings that need to come to the surface and be released so we can make room for love, light, and trust in ourselves again. Trust the process and know that you are an amazing human being. You have been gifted with the tools and talent that you need to get through this and to a better life.
A better you, an empowered, authentic you. Someone that accepts all of you, your past, your struggles, your mistakes and sees eventually how it has all contributed to who you are. One day you will look back and love your unique story, feel proud of who you are and the strengths you have gained in sharing your story with others.
Please join a growing community of survivors of childhood sexual trauma. Not only will you find peer support, but also expert presentations on anxiety, pain, depression, grief, PTSD and more.
Follow this link and set up a profile today. cst.onehealth.com
We are stronger together!
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