Parenting with ACEs

http://www.amazon.com/Trigger-...ints+anthology+abuse

of historical interest -- and if this tweaks your interest, let me know -- the history of adult abuse of childhood prior to the period discussed by Dorahy is indeed very very dark -- see deMausse  -- not for the squeamish, or the vulnerable

Thank you too for sharing Russell.  Whilst strongly reacting to what you wrote, on the positive side,  I also think we as a society must have come a long way.

I felt happy for your feeling strong about being open about being sexually abused; sad for pain I could sense and angry that you had to go through that pain - twice.

Once for the actual abuse.  I think it has been even more taboo for men to say it has happened to them.  It definitely sexualises a child - how it plays out can be different for everyone.

Secondly that you felt the shame of what happened to you. And now you're finally feeling that the shame wasn't yours to carry in life and doing something empowering for yourself and helpful for others with this understanding.

Just how our society (I can only speak of western) managers/managed to make the victims feel the shame is truly gobsmacking... An antiquated belief from Freudian times that gave permission for it to continue for decades. - Remembering that Freud in fact retracted his findings on the prevalence of wide spread sexual abuse. 

That's, I guess, the good part of this.  That finally people are 'coming out' about what happened to them, because they are able to throw off the shackles of shame.  That the focus and shame is turned to the rightful owners - the perpetrators.

Swinging back to my anger position(!) it  just begs the question: why is it us that has to have self forgiveness and self compassion?!  Ah, move on the times!

May you use your energy and be acknowledged in a positive way with the NZ  Ministry for Health submission for the self righteousness/entitlement(!) you should feel in giving it back to society that what happened was not ok, was never ok and certainly is unforgivable if it is allowed these days to ever, ever blame the victim!  Even in the most subtle of ways...

An interesting conversation on such a pertinent topic.

I believe Russel, anyone who feels responsibility for their children, etc is going to experience very similar emotions, be they the mother or father.  Both are human! Men speaking about their experiences is a relatively new thing, therefore an expanding field for those in such a position to write about.  It's so important they do so.  It normalises those men/fathers going through the emotions and gives credibility and language that it's ok to do so.

I have grappled with the people who are so aware and sensitive to what happened to them that they don't want children.  Whilst I understand this, sometimes I think it is those people who 'should' have children, because they've already demonstrated the fact that they are very aware of the pitfalls, etc. have the empathy and compassion, whilst many who aren't go ahead and have them, with mixed results!  I look at these people who made the hard decision not to have children, and so often think, but you are the ones who would be such great parents.  Albeit at an enormous emotional cost. But as it has been said, often these childless people do amazingly helpful things that may not be possible, had they had children.  Certainly the expectation that one 'must' have children is no longer there. A radical change in opinion in such a short space of (socially) historic time.

Most of my friends worked full time, so I figured, even with 3 children I could and should too.  Show resilience. Only they had quite a different background...  Not the high ACEs etc and continual abuse from family of origin to contend with.  But if I'm honest, and I think honesty is called for here, it's also because it was such a hard and painfully lonely job of staying with the children, that pushed me out of the house.  A feeling of engaging with the world and being surrounded by some normalcy - 'normal' functional people so that I could bring that home and be a better parent.

Did it actually work?  Hmm. I think I did an ok job in both work and child raising.  I know now what my priorities would be if I had my time again, but at the time it was truly the best I could do.   I know I could've passed for the 'good enough' parenting, but I also know I could've done so much better. I have to live with this... Hindsight of course is such a wonderful thing, but I think it's worth reflecting on for others.  I would've worked less and found more supportive people that were in a similar position to me, but were making healthy lifestyle choices, etc.  I would've read more to them, played more and been much more emotionally available to them... mirroring, etc etc etc!!

So in the end, I've ended up doing an ok job instead of good in one area.  How does that pan out in the world of judging if you've done well in your life or not?!  Pedantic question of course.

So this book is hopefully the start many in supporting parents from such backgrounds and to hopefully 'catch' them in the very beginning - before their first child, so that they have time and emotional and intellectual space to be further done the track of awareness of what it means to be 'there' for your child.

I remember my mother snapping (sorry but she did snap, not talk!!), "But anyone can have a child!" and my thinking there's a few things wrong with this statement.  I think she said it to avoid teenage pregnancy on my part.  I would now say to her:

"Maybe so, but not everyone can bring up a child successfully so that they're happy and healthy.  That is the real challenge."

Overshared? Possibly, to the detriment of myself as well (!) but this conversation needs to be out there, I think.

sorry for mucking that last post, written on my phone, in bed, after 2am -- I meant "having their say" -- bit lonely for us guys, I wish more would, but fwiw this is the article I was referring to, in a recent issue of Infant Mental Health Journal by Skjothaug, if people know DOIs 10.1002/imhj.21485  if people don't mind abbreviated url's  http://goo.gl/wV88Kd   it's about how fathers with ACEs can suffer anxiety, and depression, during their partner's pregnancy -- no doubt contributing to maternal distress, perhaps, etc etc -- imagine -- all for carers to understand and support both parents complementary needs ariisng from prior dysfunctional attachments, I suppose. If this field is like that of marital therapy -- a lot of men don't talk about such things, until prompted to, during "their partner's" therapy -- on behalf of my fellow men -- "sorry"

Thanks, Janet. And now, three of us, Russell. I, also, didn't have children because I didn't want to pass on emotional neglect, among other ACEs. I think that's a difficult one to un-trigger.

that makes two of us -- a great tragedy in some ways that we should miss that opportunity, but we've managed to contribute in other ways, because of learning about our high ACEs scores, in the face of much opposition at times from people who don't have our "innate sensitivity and understanding", I truly find it highly admirable to be able to be a responsible parent despite the "baggage" one must carry sometimes.

A wonderful concept - and also the reason that I chose not to have children - I didn't want my own high score to affect a child. Well done Jane! From Janet from NZ.

No kidding! I think there's going to be quite a demand for this book!

tried to find this on Amazon , but couldn't -- November's not that far away!