Parenting with PTSD & ACEs Chats Highlights & How to Find Chat Transcripts

Last week's chat is summarized below. I recommend reading the full chat transcript to read parents describing the parenting with ACEs journey in their own words. People were open, honest, vulnerable and generous with sharing.

Parenting with ACEs & PTSD Highlights

Featured Guests: Dawn Daum & Joyelle Brandt

Dawn and Joyelle are the co-editors of the Trigger Points Anthology: Abuse Survivors Experiences of Parenting, an anthology to, for and by survivors of childhood abuse. The book, which has been revised, expanded and rebranded, will be re-released with new chapters later this month as Parenting with PTSD: A Lifeline for Parenting Survivors. The updated anthology will include more about ACEs, healing traumatic stress and will have essays by service providers who work with parents who have PTSD as well as directly from parents.

Common Triggers (thanks to Joyelle)

It's impossible to parent children without thinking of childhood or the way one was parented.

• Pregnancy and labor and the feeling of being out of control of one’s body
• Physically touching their child and the child touching them
• The inability to get away from the source of anxiety because the source is the child
• Breastfeeding
• Bathing
• Diaper changing
• Dressing
• Disciplining
• Destructiveness or anger of our children
• Physical pain
• The child turning the age the parent was when the abuse began or occurred.
• Guilt because of lack of attachment to the child.
• Having to put child in care of someone else.

Some triggers and challenges are known and explainable. Some are just felt.

One mother shared that she knew parenting was hard but didn't have the words to explain exactly how and why. 

Some General Challenges Mentioned by Parents

• Struggling with perfectionism.
• Managing parenting and recovery.
• Over or under reacting to our kids.
• Guilt for not knowing more or doing more when our children were younger.
• Making time for self-care.
• Being unsure or anxious about our own parenting.

Many felt frustrated by the lack of resources, information or education  available to those of us parenting with ACEs.

Searching for Support, Resources and Each Other

While there are some resources for parents with children who have been abused there is next to nothing for adults that's about parenting after having been abused in childhood.

Joyelle and Dawn first "met" online when Joyelle read article Dawn wrote for Scary Mommy about parenting as a survivor. Dawn wrote about how "triggered she felt when grown men commented on how pretty her daughter was, because it reminded her of the sexual abuse she experienced as a child."

Others on the chat shared this worry  and one remembered feeling uneasy and "sick inside" when men commented on her daughter's appearance.

Joyelle recalled reading Dawn's article. "It was the first time I had seen another survivor write about the challenges of parenting as a survivor so openly," she said.

Joyelle has "struggled too," and  "felt that need to talk to someone about what I was going through. And I too had gone looking for stories of how other survivors coped, and couldn't find any."

So they decided to work together and help create the type of resource and community they longed for. 

Dawn works "in the mental health field," and knew "how prevalent childhood sexual abuse was," and that she couldn't be "the only one experiencing motherhood this way." That knowing gave her the guts to be outspoken.

Which doesn't mean that it's been easy for her or Joyelle to be so public. They understand why it is hard. 

Many parenting with ACEs have had harmful or unhelpful experiences when sharing about ACEs.

Many parents talked about being afraid of admitting or sharing what's hard about parenting because many expect all adults to know how to parent.

"This topic feels somewhat dangerous to talk/write/share about because the shame and stigma threatens us and makes us feel like we are "not good enough" parents," Dawn said. " With that comes the thoughts...will someone take my children from me if I admit this stuff?! So collecting voices was very difficult at first."

While many of us looked and longed for more information, resources and community, few have found places where it's easy, comfortable and helpful to speak about parenting as a survivor.

For many, learning about and having the language of ACEs has been "validating," shame-reducing," and "transformative."

 ACEs science  has opened doors to language, understanding, community and understanding for many parents. It gives many parents a way to understand the impact of our own experiences and to understand child development and brain science. And because of all the research and science, it allows many of us to speak about ACEs, advocate for ourselves with less shame or guilt or feeling "defective." We are able to educate our own friends and healthcare providers. It can help us understand our own family systems as well.

Many of us wished we had known more about ACEs and PTSD earlier in our parenting.

What Has Been Helpful/Healing for Parents on the Chat:

Where to Find Dawn, Joyelle & Parenting with PTSD Online:

• Parenting with PTSD Website & Resources
• Parenting with PTSD Facebook Page
• Dawn & Joyelle plan to include downloads parents can use and share with healthcare providers on their website related to ACEs, triggers and parenting. They'd love your feedback on those forms if you have time or interest.
• • Email for Joyelle & Dawn: triggerpointsanthology@gmail.com or parentingwithptsd@gmail.com
    
    

Chat Format

• Chats are an hour-long and allow for discussion as well as Q&A.  
• All are welcome to Parenting with ACEs chats.
• Chats are live and are done with online messaging (no audio or visual).   
• Chat transcripts remain online in the Chat section of the Parenting with ACEs Group.

 How to Find the Parenting with ACEs Schedule & Chat Transcripts

1. Go to the Parenting with ACEs Group
   •  (join group first if you haven't).
2. Select Chats while in the Parenting with ACEs group.
3. Go to "Chat Events" where there is a pull-down menu.
   • Find "Upcoming Chat Events" or "Previous Chat Events"

Parenting with ACEs 2017 Chat Schedule: