Post Trump Elect Disorder (PTED)

I feel crushed like a bug under an over-sized, smelly loafer

Obliterated. It's familiar.

I feel afraid.

As someone with post-traumatic stress, I’m used to being afraid.

This is different and not different. 

This isn’t only a symptom or a fresh new feeling that goes with an old memory. This is reality-based fear.

This is the Maya Angelou “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time” kind of afraid.

It’s based on experience,  from the election, but also from being a survivor.

It's a fear both of potential danger and the way some people can ignore it which is sometimes disguised as a hope for the best and a wait and see approach.

I'm troubled.

This is more than the ache of someone who didn’t her first pick for a candidate.  I can deal with that. We’ve all dealt with that.

It’s deeply personal because sexism is personal – if you’re a woman. Racism is personal - if you are a person of color. Oppression is personal if you are the person being oppressed.  

The President elect has sexual assault cases pending now which has he denied by saying one of the woman was too ugly to be assaultable. The former head of the KKK tweets pride and ownership in Trump’s win.

While Trump is dialing back some of his campaign promises he's still aligned with those who have spewed hate.

How can I dismiss what he has done to get elected if I am Mexican or Muslim or gay or a girl or a veteran or, as my mother said, “not a white man” or if a white man who gives a damn about civil rights for all?

Or if I care about the planet?

I want to spit every time I hear people call for unity or patience? What does unity mean when it comes to hate?

Are people of color supposed to break bread with Trump and David Duke as a show of nationalism? Are women supposed to wear body cams on our privates so we can prove if and when we are assaulted? Are we supposed to fight global warming with the cool breeze of shaking our head as we pretend the ice isn’t melting?

Can unity exist between people who don’t honor or acknowledge the basic human rights of one another? That to me, is a pre-requisite and when it’s absent, it’s the first order of business not the last.

Not something I hope Trump gets around to addressing.

What is patient when one is waiting to be proved wrong? 

I wasn't sure if it was wrong to get political here. But where is it more important than in communities that work to be trauma informed?

For many, Trump is a trigger, not of bad emotional memories, but because of legitimate fears. It's not just those that have full rights, that are worrying what we will lose, but those without them, but the worry that justice not yet realized won't continue to be advanced.

What happens when people reality is minimized and when the needs of the most vulnerable are ignored. 

My daughter was born in another country and this is the first time I have worried about whether or not her paperwork was in order. 

I'm a writer and it's the first time in my life I've been afraid to write truthfully, openly and critically. 

Will my daughter live in a more hostile work as a person of color?

Will she be as safe if she's gay as if she's straight? 

Will she be more likely, rather than less likely, to encounter sexual violence as a female?

I have every reason to believe that there’s not a single person or group Trump wouldn’t sell out to get more votes or money. And now he’s got more power. I have no idea what will happen if his power is threatened and what promises he might make to be re-elected. 

This freaks me out.

I don't want to sound paranoid. I don't believe he's unwilling or unable to compromise or do some things that might benefit the economy. I'm sure he will.

But I can't forget what the man has said and promised or pretend that a lot of people who elected him did so based on hate.

It’s personal because laws made by the Supreme Court have personal impact for all persons.

It's personal because healthcare access – especially when one is sick - is really rather personal.

Hate has been celebrated, legitimized and elected. It’s a cause for concern. Or at least it should be.

It’s no unpatriotic to be upset, concerned and fearful. Or sickened.

I am. 

I don't feel a bit better either when some who voted for Trump but didn’t think he’d really win or are super sure he won’t actually keep his word about deportation or building walls or (endless fill in the blanks).

Some of us are afraid for ourselves and / or others.

Pretending the president to be is a friendly, well-meaning and likable sexist and racist because he gave a not so horribly offensive speech is troubling. It’s like saying the relative saying all the sexist and racist doesn’t “really” mean them as they are saying really mean stuff.

There are few groups of marginalized people Trump has not threatened. Gays. Jews. Immigrants. People with disabilities.

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

I feel like a child in a chaotic home waiting for the grown-up to show up when it’s the grown ups bringing the chaos. I feel powerless in that way that lasts more than moments.

In the way that lasts for years and impacts many.

In a way that undoes the work many have done and are doing.

The work many of us here have done and are doing. Will ACEs science keep expanding? Will non-profits continue to get funding? 

I can’t lie or spin things or yet see how all is good and well and for the best.

I can’t even say it’s clearly the will of the people. Even that sentence has to be qualified. But even if it was the will of the majority that wouldn’t make it right or less frightening.

I’m afraid. I'm uneasy. I'm unsettled. 

Trump was elected and about half the country doesn’t know, care or believe how consequential this is for so many.

Or is actually celebrating how some of us are.

Others are saying “don’t be afraid” which is another way of saying “shut up" because people are already afraid.

Saying "don't be" is another way of saying, "your reality isn't consequential enough to matter, in general or at least to me."

It’s dismissive at best.

I don’t have to play along.

I keep reminding myself that while I feel afraid I am actually an adult. And right now, I am basically safe. But I don't feel as safe.

I keep reminding myself, that at this point in my life, I need not wait for a president, a parent, a doctor or an authority to validate my worth and truth.

But some of my rights are at risk. 

That's scary.

And for others, with less power and more vulnerability, it's even worse. 

Some people actually do have more power, rights, resources and influence than others.

Like the president elect.

It's not just my party or person didn't get elected. I understand that half the country would wake up feeling bad no matter who won this election. I totally get that.

I don't think people who voted for Trump are some different breed of human. I realize they were more afraid of Clinton as president and felt things important to them would be threatened if she won. Many are poor and working class people, often, but not always White, who feel alienated and ignored.

The appeal of both Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, I think, came from the same need for big and dramatic changes from people who didn't seem to be typical politicians. 

I get that many people made a protest or change vote to resist the status quo.

But, when that includes a tolerance for hate along with it, what exactly does that mean?

Just a little bit of hate is o.k.? How do I reconcile the need for civility and being gracious in defeat and the fears and alarms going off?

I feel less safe.

We took steps backwards when it comes to civil rights and social justice. It's not like I am upset because I wanted to tango and someone else wants to line dance. It's more like it feels half the country is doing a happy jig and the other half were kicked down a flight of stairs.

No one likes to be kicked to the curb. That's how it feels.

We can climb and mobilize and move forward. Lots of us can and will. But that doesn’t mean everyone recovers and remains whole.

So what do we do?

We are not completely powerless. We can value ourselves and each other no matter who is in power. We can protect ourselves and each other as well. We can be vocal and activist and if we are in groups that have more safety and protection, we can be allies.

There is power in telling the truth. I believe that. 

Some of us are pissed and sad and afraid. We can stay clear and calm and kind and we can also be angry, upset and offended.

I’m still shaky though. I know that I’m pretty expert at scanning for danger. I have PTSD so that's a super skill.

But I have to train myself to scan for love, compassion and kindness as well. I don’t want to get buried by despair. Especially now. 

Knowing about ACEs reminds me that whatever I do as an adult, especially as a parent, will be most powerful. I need to stay calm and centered and clear for my daughter. That is activism. It's important and essential.

It's personal and political and so this is a time of staying awake, alert, activist and aware.

I’m working to try to keep my heart and mind open as well. I don't want to become hateful or biased when these are the traits I am most fearing in others.

But it does not feel like just another election. 

We can’t make our leaders represent or respect us all. But at least, when we speak up, we can find solace, support and one another.