Puzzle Pieces

Lara Donachie 11/29/184:11 PM

A 5000 piece puzzle that was thrown up in the air and scattered amongst the fall leaves. That is how I imagined my life looked liked 6+ years ago. I was struggling with flashbacks, body memories, brain fog, panic attacks, insomnia and dissociation. My trauma history was coming crashing in on me and impacting EVERY area of my life. I no longer could pull myself up, dusting myself off and with head down barreling though life. I had to face my past and put together the pieces of that puzzle one by one.

At this point in my life I had twin 4-year-old boys, was working full-time, working a program of recovery from Alcoholism and doing this as a single mom. There was no room for flashbacks, brain fog or insomnia. Yet the universe had other plans. With the support of a dedicated therapist and a few trustworthy friends I looked at each puzzle piece and decide if it belonged and where. See some pieces I had dragged from my past I no longer needed and once looking at them could decide if it was useful in my life anymore. Sounds so simple when written, but some days I’m still extracting those same pieces and saying “no thank you, at one time you saved my life but now you are making it harder”.

I don’t know if I would’ve fought so hard or even seen the purpose in fighting at all without my children. One of the many residual effects of childhood sexual abuse is poor self worth and I did not feel worthy of the support and diligence that was being given. I spent many a night in an internal battle about just quitting altogether vs continuing the fight so my children would have a Mom that was present for them. The kids always won, the thought of them growing up with a Mom who gave up on herself, consumed with fear and self loathing was unacceptable. This would impact them as much as if they grew up with a Mom who was abusive. That would not happen on my watch.

Today, I cannot say I’m cured but I can say my puzzle has formed a boarder with a picture that has filled in. Most critical to my healing, is understanding the stories of my past and why I react the way I do in most situations. After learning that, I now have tools and skills to help when I face triggers and flashbacks. Continuing to work a program of recovery from Alcoholism, I can see where much of my drinking stemmed from my trauma history. A concept overlooked too often.

Now I am ready to pass on the tools and new skills that have been given so compassionately. I will do this through speaking engagements, workshops for survivors and healthcare providers then through coaching survivors both one on one and in group settings on-line. It will be my honor to walk this journey with other survivors and to educate healthcare providers about trauma informed care. This will complete my puzzle.

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Lara DonachieMember

Carey-

Thanks for your kind words and feedback.

I also wholeheartedly agree that when those of us in recovery are ready it is very important to give voice to our trauma in meetings. My experience has been when I share in a general way in meetings about my trauma, more in-depth conversations after the meeting have developed and opened up avenues for relationships and community.

I loved how you beautifully stated the cycle of trauma, shame, addiction, recovery, shame, relapse etc. I think for some of use it is so clear as we look back over our lives and recovery, for others either they haven't reached that clarity or the waters are a bit muddier. It would have been easy for me to point the finger at my family history of Alcoholism and call it a day, but deep down I knew that I was drinking to not be present in my life, I needed to know the connection.

I look forward to future conversations. As I said in my post, I feel like this is a "concept overlooked too often", let's bring a voice to it.

12/3/185:08 AM

Carey SippFormer Director of Strategic Partnerships

Lara -

Thank you for this piece. It will resonate with a lot of people, I believe.

I also believe that it is a very good thing for those of us in recovery to talk about trauma in meetings, be they meetings for people recovering from addiction or co-addiction (being affected by relationships with people who have issues with drugs, alcohol, self-defeating behaviors.)

It has been my experience that talking about trauma opens the door to the “why” of addiction for a lot of people. For many, it is freeing. This is not a pass, an excuse, a “gimme.” It is the truth that childhood trauma sets people up to need to escape the pain or to recreate the pain. Sometimes we do both! Talking about that is healing for the group member, and that is the most important thing as it may prevent a relapse and MORE trauma. But it also helps others connect trauma and addiction. And since trauma and addiction have so much shame, guilt, and self-hatred slopped in there together, connecting trauma and addiction can ultimately help us separate the trauma from the addiction, as in the trauma sets us up for addiction, but now that we are adults and are safe, we don’t have to be afraid, and to go back to self-defeating behaviors to mask the fear. This again, goes back to root cause, which is especially important for people in programs such as Al Anon, where a mantra is, “You didn’t cause it. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it,” with regard to the addictions and addictive behaviors of others.

I hope this makes sens. I am not a therapist; I have just researched, studied, and written about breaking cycles of addiction and abuse for two decades, and have had, and continue to have, some “aha” moments along the way.

The bottom line? Thanks for writing about parenting and addiction; trauma and recovery, and how challenging parenting can be when one has a history of trauma and addiction. Truth heals. Community heals. And there is community everywhere - 12-step programs live and in person and via phone and the Internet, the Parenting with ACEs and Resilience communities here on ACEs Connection, and many other resources these groups can recommend. We are lucky to live in a time when there is so much available to help us learn about trauma, addiction, regulating the brain and building resilience, parenting, and re-parenting.

11/29/187:35 PM

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