Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D. Psychology Today post, June 8, 2023, with slight adaptation.

This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences. Read the other parts here.

How is it that some people can wade through hell and somehow become caring, capable, fruitful human beings?

Eighty-three-year-old Allen Karl Sterner is an extraordinary man. As a little boy, Allen endured unspeakable chaos and brutality that gave him every reason to become bitter; turn to drugs, suicide, or violence; or become physically, psychologically, or functionally impaired.

Instead, he became a beloved father who never struck his four children. He succeeded brilliantly in marriage, military service, business, and the country music industry. He started and ran several successful businesses. He recorded numerous platinum hits, was inducted into the George D. Hay Foundation Hall of Fame (Hay founded the Grand Ole Opry), and started the award-winning Century II Records company.

Those who know him describe him as sincere, gentle, respectful, kind, altruistic, down to earth, approachable, the good guy in the black hat. In the music industry he is known as The Country Gentleman.

How did he do all this?

The Early Years

On the adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) questionnaire, Allen checked 8 of the 10 possible ACEs.  Allen’s mother, Kitty, born out of wedlock. was a narcissist and sociopath—foul-mouthed, hateful, and prone to explosive, unpredictable fits of rage. Allen often hid in the closet to escape her outbursts.

Allen’s father was a hard-working carpenter of German descent named Karl Sterner. Kitty called Allen a “no-good German bastard,” and told him that his birth had ruined her life and that he was the source of all her unhappiness.

Kitty would hold him by his hair and punch him in the face until his eyes swelled shut and her hand hurt too much to continue. Many days Allen wished he’d never been born.

When Allen was 4 ½, Kitty shoved the baby carriage holding Allen’s younger brother down the stairs while yelling at Karl. That night Karl hugged and kissed Allen, then left and never returned. It hurt Allen that the one who’d protected him had left him to face Kitty’s wrath alone.

Kitty, now 350 pounds, went away for two years, leaving Allen in the care of her neglectful mother, who tied Allen under the kitchen table. After returning, Kitty sexually abused Allen, who would accidentally walk in on her having sex with multiple partners. What kept him strong?

Allen’s Survival Strengths

1. Determined mind. From an early age, Allen consciously chose to be a good person, to learn from the past, and not repeat his parents’ mistakes. In adulthood, he resolved to break the cycle of abuse that started with Kitty’s mother and create a beautiful life of love, laughter, family, and fond memories.

In his biography (Richardson, 2023), he reflected that we must plow through hard times and make life better. Don’t give in. Be strong in your mind even if you can’t fight back physically. Suffering won’t last forever. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t ever consider suicide. Commit to live and strive for happiness. Pull others up with you. Leave the earth better for your being here. “Realize that there is still goodness in people despite their pasts. Your past doesn’t make you a victim. It doesn’t have to define you, nor does it have to hold your future hostage” (p. 262).

Allen didn’t believe is sitting around complaining, but rather believed in staying active through adversity and doing his best. He constantly kept busy with carpentry, farming, and hard work.

2. Commitment to personal growth. Allen had a fervent desire to improve. For example, while serving in the Air Force, he earned a black belt in karate. He also realized that even suffering had helped him to grow, and, so, wasn’t wasted experience. For instance, he had learned to study his mother’s face, recognize her growing distress, and meet her demands precisely to keep her calm. Thus, the Air Force was easy because he was used to anticipating needs and doing things exactly as ordered.

3. Forgiveness. Despite her diabolical behavior, Allen genuinely forgave his mother, feeling no hatred toward her—only sadness. He wished he could have told her he loved her before she passed.

4. Strong moral compass. While serving in Japan in the Air Force, Allen started a band. He was propositioned after each gig, often by married women, but he maintained his integrity. Staying true to his conscience and his love of others served him well, but he still faced challenges. For example, he is still troubled by having to kill an enemy soldier in self-defense.

5. Service. Allen found joy in helping others and wanted to guide people, using his experience and lessons. As a child, he was essentially the sole caregiver and protector of his younger brother—bathing, dressing, and feeding him, and taking his beatings. In the Air Force, he received the Bronze Star for rescuing three men in a burning Quonset hut, and taught English at a university in Tokyo.

Allen and Darlene married after he was discharged from the Air Force. It was a time of many adjustments to civilian life, including struggles with PTSD from the Vietnam War. Darlene believed that the way to happiness was helping others and encouraged him to serve others. Allen volunteered to serve as a youth leader, working with 35 youths aged 8 to 14 as they collected food for the needy and camped.

Later he helped aspiring country music artists realize their dreams, producing their music without charge. He also gave his mother his $13,000 discharge pay to put a roof on her deteriorating home, and paid her bills until she died.

6. Loving influences. Research shows that loving people can offset the negative impacts of ACEs. Allen believed in the goodness of people and cherished certain key people in his childhood. Before leaving, Allen’s father would spend time with him, patiently teaching him to shoot—precious time away from his cruel mother.

Kitty’s father, although he couldn’t stop his daughter’s cruelty, provided for the temporal needs of Allen’s family. “Pop” adored music. He bought Allen his first guitar at age 12 and taught him how to play, setting in motion a seven-decade-long music career. A passerby heard Allen practicing and singing, and connected him to a local radio show, which started his fruitful music career and grew his confidence to break away from his mother. Pop also told him that, as he walks down his path in life, he should strive to be an encouragement and inspiration to all he meets and leave them feeling that their life is a little better for meeting him.

The most joyful influence in Allen’s life was Darlene, whom he met when he was 6 years old, and in whom he had complete faith. Darlene had a fun and adventurous spirit. Her smile reached her eyes, and her kindness drew people to her. Darlene talked Allen through many problems from the past. She was always very positive and could pull him from the dark to a light place.

7. Music and nature. Allen found solace in spending time with animals in nature, and, of course, in his music. He could go into a dark room and lose himself in the sound of his guitar and expressing himself in song. The genuine affection of his music fans also greatly soothed and encouraged him.

8. Faith. Although he could not control his external world as a child, Allen created a relationship with God through his imaginary friend, Harvey. He’d learned from church camps, which Darlene’s family brought him to, that God cared and would help him. After a vicious beating at age seven, he cried out for help and felt comforting warmth, a caring presence—and he knew he wasn’t alone. Thereafter, he would communicate with that presence, whom he named Harvey, after difficult times. While overseas, he diligently studied the spiritual reading material Darlene sent him.

As his biographer writes, the inspiring story of this brutalized little boy who became a remarkable man can indeed become another person’s survival guide.

References

Richardson, J. 2023. The Country Gentleman: The Untold, Inspiring Story of Allen Karl Sterner. Lenoir, NC: Golden Country.

Book cover to the Allen Karl Sterner biography: The Country Gentleman (2023, Julie Richardson)

Photo credit: Matthew Coats/used by permission

About the Author

Glenn R. Schiraldi, PhD, has served on the stress management faculties at The Pentagon, the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation, and the University of Maryland, where he received the Outstanding Teacher Award in addition to other teaching/service awards. His fourteen books on stress-related topics have been translated into seventeen languages, and include The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook, The Self-Esteem Workbook. The Resilience Workbook, and The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook. The founder of Resilience Training International (www.ResilienceFirst.com), he has trained laypersons, emergency responders, and clinicians around the world on the diverse aspects of stress, trauma, and resilience.