Photo credit Unsplash.com/๐ธ๐ฎ Janko Ferliฤ
(The article below is an excerpt from my book, Crazy Was All I Ever Knew: The Impact of Maternal Mental Illness on Kids. I have used a pseudonym to protect the privacy of family members.)
As a child, I lived in dread that something would set my mother off and sheโd fly into a violent rage, unleashing a torrent of physical abuse. There never was any reason for the abuse. There didnโt have to be. Something would invariably infuriate my mother.
I donโt know why my mother singled me outโwhy she only hit me and not my siblings.
Research shows there can be a link between parental mental illness and abuse. As noted by the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, โThrough reduced caregiving capacities, the co-occurrence of child neglect or abuse, and exposure to other sources of fear and stress, parental mental health conditions have direct consequences for the health and well-being of their children [children of parents with mental illness].โ In my case, my mother was mentally ill.
Sometimes, abusive parents are indiscriminate in their violence, but sometimes not. Researchers say itโs not uncommon for an abusive parent to single out one child as the target of physical violence. This has been called: the โCinderella Phenomenon.โ Another term is โtarget-child selection.โ
I never wore glass slippers, but I fit the definition of a Cinderella. In my case, it wasnโt an evil step-mother heaping abuse on me; it was my biological mother. And I wasnโt living in a fairy tale world. No fairy godmother was going to say โbibbidi-bobbidi-booโ and magically transform my life. No prince would whisk me away.
The rage my mother directed at me was inescapably real.
Why would a parent single out one child for abuse? Byron Egeland, an expert in child maltreatment at the Institute of Child Development, University of Minnesota, says, โReasons for the abuse are highly varied, and there is no consistent pattern across maltreatment cases.โ
Accumulated research shows the Cinderella Phenomenon often involves redirection of anger that an abusive parent feels toward someone elseโperhaps an absent spouse or former partner. The targeted child may remind the parent of a trauma he or she experienced, such as rape, or as Egeland noted, their own abuse. โThe abuser is likely to have a history of abuse,โ he says.
Sometimes, parents target a child for abuse because the child is hyperactive, has a disability, or displays personality traits the parent doesnโt like.
More likely than not, though, Egeland says, there is no logical explanation.
While all siblings in my family were subjected to psychological abuse, I was the only one who suffered physical abuse at the hands of my mother. Iโve often thought that my mother targeted her rage against me because I looked like her. I remember examining a picture of my mother when she was about eight. It was as if I was staring back at myself at the same age. But what disturbed her about the mirror image I will never know.
There have been many studies on the characteristics of abusive parents. Studies show they tend to have: low self-esteem, poor impulse control, low frustration tolerance, inappropriate expression of anger, impaired parenting skills, depression and other mental health problems, and as mentioned previously, a history of being abused.
In my motherโs case, I could put a check mark next to virtually all of these descriptors except history of abuse. I know nothing about her childhood.
(My book, Crazy Was All I Ever Knew: The Impact of Maternal Mental Illness on Kids, is available on Amazon. You can reach me at www.Alicekenny.com)
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