The End to Domestic Violence Lies in Our Own Hands
Earlier this summer, I publically came forward as the third woman sexually assaulted by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. At the time, he was a United States Congressman, and Chairman of the Veteran's Affairs Committee. Mr. Filner and I met in a public place to discuss the memo our new First Lady, Michelle Obama, had requested as to how my national initiative, The America’s Angel Campaign, (http://www.AmericasAngel.org) would address the horrifying escalation of violence in our military families.
As a clinician who has supported abused women and traumatized children, as a patriotic citizen with a vision to inspire a national movement to strengthen the American family, and as a woman in touch with her instinct, how could I know, on that sunny day in San Diego, that I was entering the danger zone?
Twenty-four years earlier, I had my first and last experience of being assaulted by a man. In that moment, so many years before, I swore I would do whatever I had to do to empower my life, and the lives of other women, to never be in that position again. And, so I had. Yet, I discovered that even after climbing out of a victimized life, even earning my graduate degree against all odds, even creating programs to empower violated women, a Congressman in a public place with the opportunity to involve the White House in breaking the cycle of domestic violence, even then, again, as a woman, I was victimized.
The link between sexual harassment and domestic violence is narcissism, the dominant trait of men who feel entitled to degrade, dominate, betray and violate us. It is this male narcissism that haunts our female intuition and denies us equality with men to move about our lives without fearing for our survival. This is our common thread as women.
In 1998, President Bill Clinton proclaimed October as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. He called upon government officials, law enforcement agencies, health professionals, educators, community leaders, and the American people to join together to end the domestic violence that threatens millions of our children and families, and thus, threatens our civil society. In the years since, we have marched, rallied, built shelters, established hotlines, and even changed laws in a Herculean effort to stop the violence against us. With every breath, we have sought the solution to this serious and escalating violation against our civil right to live without fear. Yet, in spite of our efforts and passion, domestic violence rates continue to rise higher than even the hands that strike us down. As an example, when President Clinton issued his proclamation in 1998, our chance of being assaulted occurred every 15 seconds. Today, one of us is assaulted every 9 seconds. This alarming increase begs the question: Why are we in more danger now after so many years of our actions to end the violence against us? While the obvious answer may lie in changing the mindset of the male abusers who cause the staggering statistics above, the true answer that has evaded us actually lies in our own hands.
The first three years are crucial not only to children, but also to the whole society in which they live, grow, and eventually reproduce.” Penelope Leach, Ph.D
We share this planet with cultures that have no word for violence because they don’t know what it is. I have walked in civilized cultures where women have no sense to fear for themselves, where they can walk alone at night knowing their gender does not make them a target to be raped, maimed or murdered. What do these people know that we don’t? They know that their families and society can only be as compassionate, happy and peaceful as the children they raise, and so they raise their children well.
We all are born narcissists. Born into the “I” of infancy, our baby brain has no way to understand where the milk comes from or who soothes us when we cry. We just know about “I.” What shifts this egocentric stage of “I” to “I and Thou” is the quality of nurturing we receive, primarily in our first three years. When a mother meets her baby’s biological need for laughter and lullabies, the baby brain learns what love feels like. This critical emotion is the first step in wiring the brain to know it is safe to trust. Imprinting love on the baby brain is how the shift from narcissism to relationship begins.
Research shows that sons often have a greater emotional vulnerability for maternal bonding than daughters. In other words, a baby boy brain is hard-wired to fall in love with mommy. She is, literally, his first love. And, since love is built on trust, her job is to earn his trust by meeting his need to feel safe and secure. It is the power of mother love that prepares a son’s emerging male psyche to later embrace emotional intimacy as an adult. If this critical Happy Dance fails, his baby brain won’t budge from his safe little narcissistic world of “I.”
In clinical terms, we call this arrested development. In practical terms, we call it narcissism. In my book, I refer to it as mother rage. In personal terms, you may call it predator, stalker, rapist, abuser, liar, murderer or monster. For me personally, I add politician. Whatever you call it, neuroscience provides us with the answers to our two most critical questions: 1). Why do men tend towards violence? 2). Why do they most often target women?
As men, narcissists may have big boy bodies, but their brains are still stuck in the “I” of infancy. Our insisting these narcissists “Just say NO!” to terrorizing women and children will rarely, if ever, change their brain’s primal wiring.
The serious problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking
we were at when we created them. Albert Einstein
So, sisters, we say we want the violation and violence to stop. We rally for our freedom to live without fear. But, until we value what peaceful cultures value; until we address the root cause of why little boys become violent men, men’s violence against us will continue to escalate… despite, and often because of our insistence they stop.
Since the dawn of humankind, civil society has depended on how well we women mother our young, especially we mothers of sons. Now, of course, as 21st Century women, this might come as a terribly inconvenient truth. But, consider that this reality puts the ultimate power to end our violation, and, by the way, create a world worthy of our children, in our own hands. Mother Nature gave it to us. If you want to argue with her, be my guest. If you want to create the change, she’s your go-to-girl.
We have a long way to go. We can start now.
Morgan Rose, M.S. is a respected mental health professional, educator, 2-time cancer survivor, Who’s Who of American Women recipient, and woman who knows, all too well, what is at stake when a woman sells her soul to claim a faux prince. Rose has been recognized for her advocacy for human rights and social justice, and has presented to state legislatures and guest lectured at universities. In 2001, she was invited by Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey to present in Washington D.C. in the areas of children, family and culture. Since 2001, she has served as Executive Director of The America’s Angel Campaign, a national initiative to establish the well-being of America’s children as our nation’s highest priority. Her new book On Becoming NaughtABimbeax: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Prince Without Ever Kissing Another Frog reflects her thirteen years of post-graduate research into the psychology of relationships and intimacy.
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