The Problem with Shoulds: How Should Statements Can Hurt You and What to Do About Them

Robyn Brickel, M.A., LMFT 6/9/213:10 PM

I shouldn’t feel this way.

I should know better.

I should have learned my lesson.

I should be able to handle this by now.

I shouldn’t still be upset about this breakup/death/situation.

I would like to hereby eliminate the word “should” in statements like these. I’d like to remove the word “should” from the collective vocabulary of trauma survivors. I’d like to see most everyone else eliminate shoulds for that matter! These statements serve no positive purpose, they only attempt to criticize or hurt.

Why remove the word “should” from your vocabulary? Because if you’re saying that you “should” or “shouldn’t” think or feel some way, it means part of you is fighting what you really DO think and feel! The feelings you have about a particular experience are real. Even if part of you wants to push them away, your feelings matter. Your thoughts and emotions always matter.

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