Many parents accidentally weight-shame their kids, which can result in trauma. These parents do not intend harm, but the impact of their behavior can be felt for a lifetime.
Weight shame happens when a person experiences weight stigma. The World Obesity Federation defines weight stigma as “the discriminatory acts and ideologies targeted towards individuals because of their weight and size.” Weight stigma is also called “fat shaming” and “fatphobia.” Scientific studies have shown that weight stigma has devastating social, psychological, and physical effects on children and adults.
Our culture is full of weight stigma. One study found that more than half of participants across multiple countries reported experiencing weight stigma. People who are in larger bodies are more likely to report weight stigma. But the fact is that everyone living in our society is exposed to harmful messages about weight. The period for the most intense and distressing weight stigma is during childhood and adolescence. Disturbingly, the biggest perpetrators of weight stigma are family members.
Weight stigma leads to weight shame and trauma. Repeated criticism and objectification of a child’s body can lead to developmental (also called complex or relational) trauma. And the impact of this trauma can be felt for a lifetime. It causes significant physical and mental health conditions, including, ironically, higher weight.
What is weight shame?
Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, not related to a specific behavior or event. Weight shame is the belief that your body is intrinsically, essentially wrong and bad. Children are not developmentally able to separate their body image from their self-image. This means that weight shame is the same as any other shame: toxic.
What are the impacts of weight stigma?
Teasing about body weight is consistently associated with low body satisfaction, low self-esteem, high depressive symptoms, and thinking about and attempting suicide. Additionally, weight stigma is linked to several poor health behaviors, including disordered eating, comfort eating, sleep disturbance, and alcohol use.
Weight shame induces physiological stress, increased caloric consumption, and depleted dietary self-efficacy. It is also associated with increased depression, low self-esteem, and body dissatisfaction, as well as disordered eating and lower physical activity.
Someone who has weight shame will frequently try to cope by losing weight and otherwise manipulating their appearance. This is why weight shame often leads to dieting, a leading predictor of weight gain and the leading predictor of eating disorders.
How do parents inflict weight shame on their kids?
Parents accidentally inflict weight shame on their kids by suggesting that weight is directly linked to health and goodness. This is not an unusual belief system. We live in a culture that perpetuates harmful myths about weight that are passed from parents to kids.
Weight-related comments from mothers, including frequent comments about adolescents’ body weight, comments about their own body weight, and encouraging teens to diet, significantly predicts weight shame.
Here are some actual examples of weight shaming by family members:
- Father looks at child as they eat a cookie and says, “Are you sure you want that?”
- "Boys don’t date fat girls."
- "You should stop eating."
- "You’re getting really chunky."
- "Being thin is the best body type."
- "You eat too much junk and it's making you gain weight."
- "No one likes fat girls."
- "You need to be careful, you’re getting a spare tire and you’ll end up fat."
- After a weigh-in at the doctor, “You need to watch your weight; the doctor says you’re gaining too much.”
- "You're gaining weight. You need to eat less and move more."
Parents also perpetuate weight stigma by talking about other people’s weight negatively. This includes criticizing their own bodies, criticizing their partners’ bodies, criticizing other family members’ bodies, and criticizing famous people and strangers for their weight.
What can parents do to heal the trauma of weight shame?
Weight shame is a trauma-based response to weight stigma. Therefore, parents need to work hard to overcome any damage already inflicted. Additionally, they should take steps to prevent future weight shaming. Here are some steps to take:
- Learn the truth about diets and weight loss.
- Stop associating health with weight.
- Never talk to your child about their body size, shape, and weight in a tone that is not completely neutral and never suggest thin is good and fat is bad.
- Don’t talk negatively about your child’s body size, shape, and weight to someone else.
- Never talk negatively about another person’s body size, shape, and weight (including yourself, your friends, family members, celebrities, or any other person).
- Don't link eating to weight. This sets kids up for disordered eating and eating disorders.
- Learn how to respond appropriately when your child body-bashes or shows symptoms of body shame.
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