The unreasonable expectations of American motherhood (www.washingtonpost.com)

@Carey Sipp posted:

Thanks Alison, for the lesson and bringing me up to date in my terminology.

I could edit my comment but will leave as-is so anyone reading it and then your comment will understand.

Going forward I will try to remember “Global South” (easy since I live in the U.S. South, and there are most def parallels) and the South, and most of its people — be they Native American, Black, Brown or White — are in some way recovering from the adverse effects of the Global North’s colonization.

I am figuring colonialism covers the multitude of sins and horrors visited upon the region and its original inhabitants and their progeny, and the kidnapped and enslaved people brought here, and the colonists themselves, who came to escape oppression but ended up, as a group, becoming the oppressors.

Bottom line?

Mothers in every instance had great challenges that likely would not have been as bad had women’s been in charge.  We still experience the multi-generational oppression and the effects of its toxic stress, especially the mothers of color, be they Native American, Black, Brown, Asian, whatever.

it is time for all of that to change.

As long as women are “held down” by our colonialist economy based on fear, greed, lack and there being a zero-sum game, as opposed to believing in love, abundance, and the truth that all ships float higher on the rising tide, change will be slow. It’s easier to hold us down by NOT having universal childcare, healthcare, living wages, equity, opportunity.

The PACEs Science movement is changing all of that. And I believe greater and faster change is coming as more and more women — Native American, Black, Brown, White, Asian — realize their inherent and earned  power.  Along the way we must keep the ideals of our true nature in our hearts to avoid becoming the oppressed who become the oppressors.

It is amazing and wondrous be alive at a time when the formerly oppressed become the liberators and can use their newfound power to love, forgive, lift up, create equity and inclusion.

We tell and are those stories!

Wow! Wise thoughts by Carey Sipp! Thanks for engaging on this topic. I'm grateful for this conversation and all the conversations we have at PACEs Connection on how to combat colonialism, white supremacy, and patriarchal cultures as they continue to perpetuate trauma.

A family member of mine used the term "third world country" last night and I knew it wasn't the moment to correct them—whereas at PACEs Connection we have developed a culture of always learning the most culturally sensitive language and the upstream and historical context of the present trauma. I'm grateful! Grateful for you, Carey!

@Alison Cebulla posted:

@Carey Sipp respectfully, and in the spirit of always learning and growing, "third world country" is out, and these other 5 options are in.

"5 Phrases to Use as an Alternative to Third World

1. Developing Nations – Many argue that the term “developing nations” is a better choice. Vaibhav Bojh, a credit manager at Punjab National Bank in India says, “Being called a developing country gives me a chance to improve.” However, this term comes with its problems too. While the term developing brings about a connotation of improving conditions, it also encourages the misconception that countries with big economies such as the U.S. are not still developing themselves. In 2016, the World Bank announced, “there is no longer a distinction between developing countries…and developed countries.”
2. LICs and MICs – The World Bank is now encouraging a new classification based on income data. LICs and MICs, pronounced “licks and micks,” defines nations as low-income countries and middle-income countries. For nations that don’t fit either of these definitions, there is LMIC or lower-middle-income countries.
3. Majority World – The term “Majority World” is often used to remind the West that these countries outnumber them. Majority World refers to countries where most of the population resides. On the other hand, the Minority World are the nations more commonly considered “developed” where a small percentage of the earth’s population lives.
4. Fat and Lean – Describing a nation as either Fat or Lean, as proposed by Dayo Olopade in his Op-Ed, looks at the value in the operations of each country. Lean nations are resource-scarce so they use what is available more efficiently. As Olopade explains, in Fat nations “plenty is normal.” Olopade illustrates the positive connotation with the term lean, stating, “Individual Africans waste less food and water, owe less money and maintain a regional carbon footprint that is the lowest in the world.”
5. Global South/North – This is a term that focuses on geographical locations. The term does not perfectly group all nations together. For example, Haiti is in the global north and Australia is in the global south. However, the term avoids any negative connotation."

Source= https://borgenproject.org/alternative-to-third-world/

My resource conservation and sustainable development professors from Latin America at UC Berkeley preferred using "Global South".

In the context of the point you were trying to make with, "The United States is hell for mothers because our mothers -- especially Black and Brown moms living in poverty -- might as well be living in a third-world country," I would say, "Despite claiming to be a country with a societal system (government) set up to care for and support its people, The United States' policies create hell for mothers. Our mothers—especially Black and Brown moms living in poverty—are subject to the same kind of tyranny and lack of protection experienced by people living in countries of the Global South that are still recovering from the adverse effects of colonialism by the Global North."

And then we remember that colonialism created the United States of America and it all makes sense...

Thanks Alison, for the lesson and bringing me up to date in my terminology.

I could edit my comment but will leave as-is so anyone reading it and then your comment will understand.

Going forward I will try to remember “Global South” (easy since I live in the U.S. South, and there are most def parallels) and the South, and most of its people — be they Native American, Black, Brown or White — are in some way recovering from the adverse effects of the Global North’s colonization.

I am figuring colonialism covers the multitude of sins and horrors visited upon the region and its original inhabitants and their progeny, and the kidnapped and enslaved people brought here, and the colonists themselves, who came to escape oppression but ended up, as a group, becoming the oppressors.

Bottom line?

Mothers in every instance had great challenges that likely would not have been as bad had women’s been in charge.  We still experience the multi-generational oppression and the effects of its toxic stress, especially the mothers of color, be they Native American, Black, Brown, Asian, whatever.

it is time for all of that to change.

As long as women are “held down” by our colonialist economy based on fear, greed, lack and there being a zero-sum game, as opposed to believing in love, abundance, and the truth that all ships float higher on the rising tide, change will be slow. It’s easier to hold us down by NOT having universal childcare, healthcare, living wages, equity, opportunity.

The PACEs Science movement is changing all of that. And I believe greater and faster change is coming as more and more women — Native American, Black, Brown, White, Asian — realize their inherent and earned  power.  Along the way we must keep the ideals of our true nature in our hearts to avoid becoming the oppressed who become the oppressors.

It is amazing and wondrous be alive at a time when the formerly oppressed become the liberators and can use their newfound power to love, forgive, lift up, create equity and inclusion.

We tell and are those stories!

@Carey Sipp respectfully, and in the spirit of always learning and growing, "third world country" is out, and these other 5 options are in.

"5 Phrases to Use as an Alternative to Third World

1. Developing Nations – Many argue that the term “developing nations” is a better choice. Vaibhav Bojh, a credit manager at Punjab National Bank in India says, “Being called a developing country gives me a chance to improve.” However, this term comes with its problems too. While the term developing brings about a connotation of improving conditions, it also encourages the misconception that countries with big economies such as the U.S. are not still developing themselves. In 2016, the World Bank announced, “there is no longer a distinction between developing countries…and developed countries.”
2. LICs and MICs – The World Bank is now encouraging a new classification based on income data. LICs and MICs, pronounced “licks and micks,” defines nations as low-income countries and middle-income countries. For nations that don’t fit either of these definitions, there is LMIC or lower-middle-income countries.
3. Majority World – The term “Majority World” is often used to remind the West that these countries outnumber them. Majority World refers to countries where most of the population resides. On the other hand, the Minority World are the nations more commonly considered “developed” where a small percentage of the earth’s population lives.
4. Fat and Lean – Describing a nation as either Fat or Lean, as proposed by Dayo Olopade in his Op-Ed, looks at the value in the operations of each country. Lean nations are resource-scarce so they use what is available more efficiently. As Olopade explains, in Fat nations “plenty is normal.” Olopade illustrates the positive connotation with the term lean, stating, “Individual Africans waste less food and water, owe less money and maintain a regional carbon footprint that is the lowest in the world.”
5. Global South/North – This is a term that focuses on geographical locations. The term does not perfectly group all nations together. For example, Haiti is in the global north and Australia is in the global south. However, the term avoids any negative connotation."

Source= https://borgenproject.org/alternative-to-third-world/

My resource conservation and sustainable development professors from Latin America at UC Berkeley preferred using "Global South".

In the context of the point you were trying to make with, "The United States is hell for mothers because our mothers -- especially Black and Brown moms living in poverty -- might as well be living in a third-world country," I would say, "Despite claiming to be a country with a societal system (government) set up to care for and support its people, The United States' policies create hell for mothers. Our mothers—especially Black and Brown moms living in poverty—are subject to the same kind of tyranny and lack of protection experienced by people living in countries of the Global South that are still recovering from the adverse effects of colonialism by the Global North."

And then we remember that colonialism created the United States of America and it all makes sense...

Carey:

We were talking on the Wrestling Ghosts zoom last week about how challenging it is for ALL parents and then the added layers of Parenting with ACEs. We were also talking about how the pandemic helped some who are more resourced with extended family, daycare, etc. realize how the stress response and ideals of parenting can go out the window when we don't have support, release valves, and when schooling and work have changed or increased demands.

I heard Brene Brown and Dr. Bruce Perry talk about the "privilege of regulation" and how what we often call resilience is just that. Some, in survival mode, have lots of supports, external, internal, or in the family or community, and others do not and of course - it all matters and has impact on individuals, families, and generations.

So we might have ACEs with "positive" or buffering experiences and access to healing resources or we might have ACEs with none of that and along with other forms of trauma, adversity, injustice,  and of course, it's all overlapping.

At least, with COVID, I think we got to see the financial and practical supports families in other countries got compared to what we did or didn't get here in the U.S. Hopefully, it makes us have more compassion and perspective for others as well as ourselves when we find ourselves challenged by parenting.

Healing is so important, but it's often long, slow, and takes a lot of practice and time and often what works best isn't even available or covered by insurance (hypnosis, neurofeedback, drum circles, etc.).

Like you, compared to generations in my own family, I had so many advantages (a partner, more than a decade of healing before parenting, only one child, a co-parent, insurance, work, a high school diploma, a college education, housing) and it was still SO CHALLENGING at times, especially in the early years! My advantages are not things either of my parents had when they became parents and so they had to manage, as teens and young adults, with so many challenges and struggles and health issues (physical and emotional), while poor so they never got to be out of survival mode. My daughter will have her own challenges and her own ACEs but she has way more resources and that of course helps.

Cis

Oh my goodness. How timely, appropriate and spot-on. 

"the United States is hell for mothers."

Thanks for posting this, Cissy.

I hope "our" generation is the last one expected to "bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever, let him forget he's a man."

I struggled so as a single mother -- and I was white, made a decent salary, had a bit of inherited wealth, was healthy. Working for almost eight years with an organization that supported families living with developmental disabilities, I got some idea of how fortunate I was to have healthy children, to not need to deal with education plans, disability waivers, the blame, shame, guilt and other horrors visited upon mothers of children with disabilities when they want to work, when they want to have a bit of respite, when they want to go to the bathroom without having to have someone watch their child 24/7.

Monica Hesse is so right in every word of this brilliant essay.

It is beyond me how the hell the United States can expect a woman making minimum wage to not want to stay home right now, if she is lucky enough to still be receiving the extra unemployment benefits provided in the first round of pandemic relief.  Even if she has had to be teaching, cleaning, trying to find work, juggling bills and the potential threat of homelessness, it's got to be better than making $7.25 an hour and being treated like dirt at work.

The United States has a lot of wonderful aspects, but the way we treat families, and especially single mothers, is abusive. We protect the fetus, shame the mother, and expect the mother to perform herculean tasks while dealing with hormonal and other changes that would likely melt most men.

Thanks for posting this. I will share it widely, especially with young friends of mine who are opting not to have children. I will ask them to use that energy, instead, to help advocate for better supports for families.

The United States is hell for mothers because our mothers -- especially Black and Brown moms living in poverty -- might as well be living in a third-world country.

Carey Sipp