‘This is what grief has looked like for me’—ISL editor opens up about spouse’s death (Amie Rivers with Iowa Starting Line)

To read more of Amie Rivers article, please click here.

I am writing about grief, because right now it is the only thing I can write about.

And fair warning—particularly if you’ve lost someone to suicide—this may be difficult to read. (Out of respect for our families and for readers, I will not discuss specific details below. If you or a loved one is looking for crisis resources, call Your Life Iowa at (855) 581-8111, text (855) 895-8398, or live chat at yourlifeiowa.org. You can also call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org.)

We lost Shenae in December. She was a beloved daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend. And she was my wife of nearly six years.

I want to tell you first about what I loved about Shenae, because sharing the wonderful parts of someone should always come first in something like this:

The way she looked at me with her deep brown, penetrating eyes, ringed by constellations of freckles that only increased in the sunlight.

Her curly hair, which I loved to run my fingers through while sitting next to her on the couch.

Her laugh, which kept me on my toes, seeking clever jokes or puns to inspire a chuckle (or, at least, a satisfying eye roll).

And her intellect and open mind that never left us bereft of weighty conversational topics.

But there was one topic Shenae never liked to talk about: Herself.