Cissy's note: The Trauma Project posts the best stuff on Facebook and this is an example of the gems I find. The excerpts below were published in the New York Times and written by Avi Klein.
Our bodies hold so many of our emotional reactions that we learn a lot just by noticing our physiological responses. Almost always, the men I work with notice a tight tension in their chests and stomachs — anxiety. They often admit that they feel this tension most of the time. Many have developed habits — the gym, masturbating, video games, drinking — to cope.
I have found that for many men, underneath the anxiety that is always humming along are layers of shame. Shame at having feelings at all, shame because they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, shame that they are not men, they are just boys.
Shame is the emotional weapon that allows patriarchal behaviors to flourish. The fear of being emasculated leads men to rationalize awful behavior. This kind of toxic shame is in direct contradiction with the healthy shame that we all need to feel in order to acknowledge mistakes and take responsibility.
Very often, I have found, men’s difficulties with women are rooted in their boyhood. With the medical resident, for example, underneath the constant pursuit of women were painful memories that led him to believe that he was unacceptable in his father’s eyes. A 42-year-old entrepreneur who came to see me because of his serial cheating and lying described his motivations as if he were still a 15-year-old boy craving the approval of his peers: “I actually don’t even like the sex that much, but there’s something satisfying about adding a notch in the belt. I imagine other guys would be impressed if they knew.”
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