"No one will EVER love you like I love you."
"You don't need friends. We only need each other."
"Look at what you made me do!"
"It was only a push. Why are you overreacting?"
"I can't live without you."
"I'm so sorry. I'll never do it again."
Everything about domestic violence is confusing. And devastating. The person you love, you trust, you have a child with or are married to, hurts you. How can you be a victim of your boyfriend? Your girlfriend? Your spouse?
Sadly, your relationship with that person makes you the perfect victim. A victim whom they can shame and manipulate into thinking the abuse is your fault. That their actions are caused by you- which is absurd. You cannot make someone do anything. Their actions are their choice. And perpetrators of domestic violence carefully select their victims. They want a victim they can hurt over and over again. A victim who won't tell.
It starts out small. An insult here, "You don't understand...You would lose your head if it wasn't attached." And grows worse. The abuse becomes physical, your partner pushes you. Slaps you. Locks you in a room and won't let you out. Won't let you get out of the car.
Then, it becomes financial, they want you to quit your job, or they get you fired from your job. One survivor recalls how her abuser, her boyfriend, took her purse and threw it out of the car on the freeway as they drove to her first day at her new job. She arrived trembling, without her ID, social security card, bank information and all the other documents she gathered to give to Human Resources that day. Her employer told her to go home, she didn't look well and could not work without the proper paperwork. Devastated, she was too embarrassed to return. The job was gone. And the abuse from her boyfriend only worsened. Soon she was not leaving the house often and stopped all contact with family and friends.
While domestic violence is an oxymoron, a contradiction in terms, and can be hard to identify, there are red flags. Look for these red flags and when you see them take action. If it's safe, exit the relationship as quickly as possible. The perpetrator needs therapy, healing and professional help. You cannot change them. Only they can change themselves. Look out for these red flags and put up strong boundaries to stay safe.
Red Flags to Look for:
FAIRY TALE: The person seems "Too good to be true."
THAT WAS FAST: Rapid pace of the relationship, the person wants to move in together, have children, get engaged and/or married very quickly. They may even trick you into getting pregnant.
I DON'T LIKE THEM: Over time the person finds faults with and disapproves of your friends, your family, your church, job, clothing/way of dressing.
YOU CHEATER: The person accuses you of cheating on them, being unfaithful. Yet is it often that person who is unfaithful. This is a way to distract and confuse you. The old and wise Native American saying rings true in this dynamic: Every time you point a finger in scorn—there are three remaining fingers pointing right back at you.
AM I CRAZY: Perpetrators of domestic violence are brilliant at something called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and it occurs when one person convinces you that you are remembering things wrong or you are misinterpreting events. The opposite is true and in fact the perpetrator is purposely manipulating you so that you doubt your own thoughts and understanding. They present their own thoughts and feelings- which are lies- as the truth saying things like: "I never said we were exclusive." When in fact they had said you were in an exclusive relationship with them. This can be covert and like all other forms of abuse starts small and escalates over time.
ONLY WITH ME: The person's behavior and emotions rage, seemingly out of control when they are with you. And yet they can maintain composure around others.
CHILDHOOD HISTORY: Sadly, domestic violence is a learned behavior that is passed from one generation to the next. If you are exposed to domestic violence when you are young, you have a higher likelihood to become a victim or perpetrator in the future.
Domestic abuse is never the fault of the victim. Leaving a domestic violence relationship can be extremely difficult and even dangerous for some victims. The core of domestic violence is power and control. The minute a victim leaves the relationship, the perpetrator has lost all power and control and thus can act out in extreme ways, becoming very dangerous to themselves and/or others. If any of these red flags, sound familiar, please seek help. Domestic violence feeds on silence, it's vital that you confide in a friend, trusted family member or reach out for support from a domestic violence advocate.
You are not alone. Nearly 20% of marriages and intimate partnerships will experience physical violence, and emotional abuse is even more common (American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy). . A Greater Hope offers domestic violence advocacy services, as well as therapy and educational classes to help. Contact us at info@aghope.org or 760-243-3999 to learn more. If you are in need of immediate assistance, contact the 24-hour domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233.
If you know someone who is being abused by their intimate partner, listen to them, withhold judgement, help them connect to resources (as long as you are in a safe space to do so) and perhaps most importantly, be patient. Victims will often return to their perpetrator many times before permanently leaving. This heartbreaking truth makes supporting victims even more difficult, but a each person's experience is unique and excruciating. Loving someone who hurts you is common, but there is help out there and hope for a brighter future.
Comments (0)