Odd title. What's the deal with that? How is crime connected to grief?
I've spent a few decades serving (in one form or other) people who were incarcerated or had a history of incarceration. A few years ago, I was privileged to do a program on the topic of "Grief and Hope" at a local penal facility with a group of amazing men.
During the course of our time together, both I and they were surprised to find out that most of them had experienced grief in childhood prior to them becoming involved in juvenile delinquency or criminal behaviour.
This discovery came near the end of our sessions as they felt more comfortable to open up. (As this program was before my interest in ACEs, there were no discussions on ACEs or ACEs assessments to draw this information out)
It was a surprise to them as they dug deep into their memories, past the pain of loss. For many, their identities had been based on their relatives' harping on their criminal involvement. They could hardly recall times before that: when they had someone who loved them and then suffered that inexplicable, heart-rending loss.
In some instances the loss was due to death. In others, it was the result of romantic relationships ending after absive incidents or parental abandonment. As boys, they were not allowed to cry out their pain.
Not fully able to understand the finality of death or the reason for the loved one leaving, some of the boys blamed themselves and built up a protective shield of numbness. Over time, numbness became their way of life, infiltrated their attitude to school and ruined their family relationships.
Grades slipped, attention spans got shorter, unable to cry they lashed out and generally saw relationships with relatives suffer. Eventually, at young ages they drifted towards a series of unhealthy coping behavior and relationships - Hurting people seeking out others like themselves.
Some of the men didn't form any or lasting relationships due to the fears they internalised as children. Living lives of internal pain, loss of feeling led to loss of empathy, an inability to love. Hurting others became easy and led to their legal woes.
The realisation was a breakthrough for us all. Being able to understand why their behavior changed many years ago helped them. No longer did they wear society's labels of them as "monsters". They knew that they had been hurt and they could now heal.
One month before the program ended, my co-facilitator lost her adult son suddenly and stopped visiting the facility. The men begged for her to visit one last time and when they saw her, what unfolded was a most beautiful tribute to love, comfort and encourage her.
Unresolved grief also showed up as an issue at a youth detention center when a usually polite client demonstrated disruptive behaviour one day.
Pulling him aside during the break, we inquired about his week only to learn that his elderly relative had passed away and, for security reasons, he was not allowed to attend the funeral.
His heart was breaking but he couldn't allow himself to appear weak to cry among his peers. So other behavior emerged which he knew could potentially get him into trouble with the officers.
How many of our incarcerated are behind bars due to unresolved grief? How many are put in solitary confinement after they've shown disrespect to authority when what they needed was a safe place to cry? Far too many for us to allow this travesty to continue.
We must better raise and serve our men and boys so they can feel free to exercise the "luxury" women and girls have to openly grieve.
As a counseling psychologist said recently, the tear ducts in men's eyes work just as well as they do in women's.
It will take work to shatter those unhealthy male stereotypes. But the work will be worth it.
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