"Parenting is a learned skill, but society says as parents we can only talk about the good things that happen while parenting. It judges parents based on the child’s behavior, clothing and their school attendance. Children are judged by their parent’s behavior, clothing and choices. There is no shortage of blame, shame and judgment to go around.
So what happens when a parent has a high ACE score and they want to truly prevent their children from having the same? What happens when they want change starting that moment regardless of any poor parenting choices they have made so far? How do they ask for help, where is the safe place to say “I need help” or the safe place to simply state the truth that parenting is hard. I understand this all too well, while in an abusive situation, while at times living without basic necessities like lights and heat, FEAR kept me from asking for help. Would they take my children from me? Would I be labeled a bad mother? How was I to answer the question of how and why we were in these circumstances? Society loves to label and blame people and hold our most traumatized parents to a higher standard. It is somehow assumed that we do not want the best for our children, that we somehow do not love our children as much. After all, how dare we work 2 or 3 jobs and spend no time with our kids, how dare we stay in an unsafe environment, even if that is the only place we can afford and of course how dare we choose to start a family with someone who leaves us a single parent.
What if, we created the safe spaces for us to speak our truths, share our experiences and learn how to be that stable person that helps our children build resilience? It can work, It does work, I am living it and I work and know many parents who have used the power of being able to identify their ACEs to accept that they are NOT broken. We are just doing the best they can with the resources they have, while battling the long term effects of our early adversity. With this empowerment, we are becoming better people, workers and the parents we always aspired to be. It is not about perfection; it is about taking away the guilt and shame and asking for help when we need it. Don’t judge us, teach us, learn from us, walk with us, be the village that helps us raise a stronger and more resilient children!"
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