Hey, how are you doing?
That’s a question I ask or get asked daily. Family, friends or coworkers, the response is typically the same, “I’m fine, everything’s good.” Except that isn’t always accurate, is it? Sometimes we are not fine. Sometimes we know the person on the other end isn’t fine. But we go on asking, shielded by the conventions of social norms and polite conversation; we don’t expect people to give an honest answer. But what if we were honest.
In January of this year, Elmo – the amicable, furry red puppet from Sesame Street -posed that very same question on the social media platform X, formally known as Twitter. “How is everybody doing?” and got some very unexpected answers. He was flooded with over 45,000 responses, ranging from people struggling to pay their bills or rent, to those having struggles with their relationships. People shared their feelings of exhaustion, worry, anxiety and disconnection. Themes of loneliness, depression, and anxiety were clear. The next day people thanked Elmo for just asking the question, and shared what it means to feel safe, heard and understood.
Personally, I was struck by the ease with which people responded honestly to Elmo’s question; friends, family or coworkers might not get those same responses. Why was it so easy to talk to Elmo, but not so easy to talk to the person standing right in front of you. Aside from the illusion of anonymity created by social media, Elmo creates a feeling of safety in which difficult conversations feel a little easier. Elmo’s always exuded a sense of acceptance, without judgement and always love and positivity. Elmo always listens. Elmo never judges. Elmo always understands.
Elmo’s X account-guardian was wholly unprepared for the overwhelming response, but she handled it all with grace. “When someone kind like Elmo asks you how you're doing, you're going to be a little more honest because you know a caring friend is listening and genuinely wants to know. The foundation of friendship Elmo has with the world really resonated."
You may wonder why I am reminded of that post four months after the fact. Well, May is Mental Health Awareness Month and mental health and well-being go hand in hand. One simple thing we can do is to check in with one another, authentically. We all have a collective responsibility to raise awareness of mental health and its impact on each of us. Mental health impacts everyone, regardless of gender, age, race, ethnicity, or income level. The reality is, if you are standing in a room full of people, at least one out of every five of us has likely experienced anxiety, depression, or another mental health condition in the last year alone (Mental Health America, 2024).
Recently I had the opportunity to sit with a group of people and practice some reflective listening skills. There are some simple things we can all do to make people feel seen and heard. We can start by allowing someone to speak freely, without interruption and without judgement. Try focusing on the emotion that is behind the content of what someone is saying. Try reflecting back what you understand to have heard, summarizing but also catching the feeling behind what they said.
Reflective listening can more easily be remembered using the acronym OARS:
- Open ended questions -ask questions that being with What, How or Who not Why
- Affirmation - recognize the strength in what is being shared
- Reflective responses - repeat back what the other person said, paraphrasing
- Summarize the content and emotion of what you’ve heard
To quote Elmo’s follow-up post, “Elmo is glad he asked! Elmo learned that it is important to ask a friend how they are doing. Elmo will check again soon friend!” Consider taking his advice. Just by listening, or simply being present, we instill comfort and hope to those around us, and hope is a powerful thing. So go ahead and ask someone to take a walk, or grab a cup of coffee or to get some fresh air, because the next time you ask “how are you doing” you might just get an honest response – and you’ll be ready!
So… “How are you doing?” I’m here. Listening.
For a list of SAMHSA 2024 Mental Health Awareness Month resources click here: Mental Health Awareness Month webpage. To learn how to get support for mental health conditions, visit FindSupport.gov. If you’re looking for treatment services in your community, visit FindTreatment.gov. If you or someone you know is in in crisis, call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org for help 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
If you are interested in recent statistics on mental health treatment they are linked here: Mental Health Client-Level Data (MH-CLD) 2022: Data On Clients Receiving Mental Health Treatment Services Through State Mental Health Agencies | CBHSQ Data (samhsa.gov)
References
Elmo takes a turn as a therapist by asking, 'How is everybody doing?' : NPR
Mental Health Awareness Month | SAMHSA
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2002). Motivational interviewing: Preparing people for change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Mental Health America. (2024). Retrieved from Quick Facts and Statistics About Mental Health | Mental Health America (mhanational.org)
*Photo by Jason Moyer on Unsplash
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