While this article by Kristin Meekhof is geared towards children grieving the loss of a parent who had died, it has a lot of insightful ACE-related advice for parenting with ACEs
This leads to the next point- death is very painful. However, resilient people aren't pain free, but they know how to handle it. You can expect there will be painful moments, such as holidays, the deceased parent's birthday, a school graduation. And pretending that pain will not exist during these or other occasions isn't realistic. What you don't want is for the child to think that after a funeral or a certain milestone birthday they will be pain-free. By being open and forthright that pain can intensify during certain times you can develop a plan to handle these situations. Don't be afraid to use a pain scale much like the one you encounter in your primary care doctor's office. Explain that a "1" is the worst pain (perhaps when their parent just died) and "10" is feeling little to no pain. This helps your child gauge their pain and you can gain insight into it as well. Sometimes it is easier for children to give emotional pain a number then provide a narrative and dissect it.
And there are things a parent or primary caregiver can do in an attempt to minimize the pain. For example, if you are approaching Mother's Day, and you know your child will most likely be asked to draw a card for their mother during art class, you can speak with the teacher ahead of time about either having your child opt- out of this or creating a card for another special family member. When the time comes, your child is prepared and so is the teacher. This doesn't mean this will be a tear- free moment, but helping your child ahead of time can decrease the intensity of the pain.
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