Emotional neglect is a topic that is rarely discussed, even by psychologists, and most people don't recognise it as a problem. Emotional neglect is so easily misunderstood because, unlike emotional or physical abuse that have actual negative actions, emotional neglect is a LACK of action. In other words, emotional neglect refers to a person’s failure or refusal to respond adequately to another’s emotional needs.
Dr. Jonice Webb defines it this way: “Emotional neglect is a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to feelings”. Emotional neglect is not something that happens, but something that fails to happen. This makes it difficult to understand and discuss because emotional neglect is intangible. It is easy to identify the harmful actions of a spouse who yells, gets physical or criticises, but much harder to pinpoint the wrong actions of a spouse who fails to provide for certain emotional needs.
Emotional neglect is the opposite of emotional attunement. When a couple is emotionally attuned to each other, they experience emotional connection and emotional intimacy. In a marriage emotional neglect is when a spouse CONSISTENTLY fails to notice, attend to, and respond IN A TIMELY MANNER to a spouse’s feelings. This has far-reaching negative consequences for the relationship.
As humans, we are relational beings. While you cannot point to the specific behaviours of your spouse that make you feel unloved and affect your self-esteem; not being noticed, attended to, or responded to appropriately and in a timely manner will affect you. Likewise, the lack of attentiveness and responsiveness, speaks volumes: your feelings and emotional needs don’t matter.
Research has shown that suppressing emotions or being disconnected from emotions has physical consequences that many do not know about. It increases stress on our bodies and increases chances of heart disease and diabetes. It affects our immune system exposing us more to illness, stiff joints and bone weakness. Recent research also shows a strong connection between avoiding emotions or being shut off from emotions and poor memory. People who regularly suppress their emotions may find it challenging when communicating with others.
Emotional neglect has a powerful influence on the quality and longevity of adult intimate relationships. Unfortunately, emotional neglect is also extremely common.
Another form of emotional neglect is the ‘silent treatment.’ When a partner emotionally withdraws into silence it can be said he/she is manipulating the other person into changing his/her behaviour or punishing the other partner for a perceived wrongdoing. Our brains are hard-wired to interpret this type of emotional holdback as rejection. Rejection is painful. Research has shown that, this kind of experience activates the same pain receptors in the brain that are triggered by physical injury. Feelings of rejection and abandonment sends a signal to the amygdala part of our brain that triggers intense fear – fear that we are not good enough, unacceptable or unlovable. It is moments like these we need our partner the most. Unfortunately, if our partner fails to notice, attend and respond in a timely manner, over time, we start to feel insecure and unsafe in the relationship. We start feeling we cannot rely on our partner.
It is necessary for each partner to provide emotional connection for a healthy relationship to happen. Our needs to be noticed and attended to are natural attachment needs. Humans never grow out of the need for a significant other to have their back.
Emotional connection is not just about sharing positive feelings of warmth or affection. It also means that when there are problems, you are able to share uncomfortable feelings, trusting that you as an individual and couple can get upset and yet work through the problems with your sense of self and the relationship intact. Emotional connection includes sharing the more tender, raw and vulnerable parts of ourselves, such as feelings of aloneness, fear of our own inadequacies, and our biggest fear of all – rejection and abandonment.
Some couples have spent many years in unfulfilling marriages due to emotional neglect, and not quite understanding or pinpointing why they are unhappy. There is a good reason for this. There are no outward signs of emotional neglect. In abusive relationships (whether physical or emotional), the signs are clear because the behaviours of the offending partner are overt. In contrast, because emotional neglect involves failure to act, it is hidden, invisible to the untrained eye or ear. An emotionally neglectful partner or spouse who does not verbally criticise or attack; does not complain or put you down; does not erupt in anger or harass you; does not display any form of aggression. It’s difficult to point to an emotionally neglectful partner, because after all, he/she does ‘nothing wrong’. This makes it harder, much harder, to identify what is missing or wrong in the relationship.
Adults who have experienced childhood emotional neglect tend to demonstrate consistent patterns of withdrawal from the stress and conflict of daily living, whether within a relationship or outside of one. They reach for escapes into addictions (including overworking, numbing behaviours like excess drinking/overeating/over exercising, or excess time spent in front of screens) and seek out other solitary activities to withdraw into. They may also tend to under achieve, stay in jobs they dislike but frozen unable to see ethier way through change. The people who are in relationships with them (their spouse, children, or siblings) are left feeling the emotional distance or lack of presence with their loved one.
Being emotionally connected requires behavioural and physical actions as well as emotional ones. Kissing, touching, hugging, and sex are physical actions that grow emotional connection as our body produces oxytocin – the hormone that bonds us. A relationship featuring emotional neglect demonstrates an ongoing failure to meet the emotional needs of your partner. It may not necessarily be neglectful to refuse sex after having an argument with your partner; however, a consistent pattern of saying no to sex or insisting on certain conditions being met can be described as emotional neglect. How often have you heard this saying? “People need quality time… not quantity”. Not true! They need both. One does not make up for the other.
Spouses, realize that you have CHOSEN to be the most important person in the life of your partner. And they count on you to ‘show up’ for the relationship. Emotional neglect can therefore be viewed as the lack of emotionally ‘showing up’ for your partner. How sad is that??
Ask yourself this question - Is your partner your ‘go to’ person for emotional support? Or do you seek out your close women friends, your buddies,n BFF (best friend forever) or Mum instead of your partner? Or do you turn inward, go into your own bubble to self-comfort.
These are all signs of Emotional Neglect. Do get intouch with us, and we will help you through this. We offer very safe and CONFIDENTIAL ONLINE Sessions.
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