We hear too little from men about having survived childhood abuse and even less about how that abuse impacts their fathering. This series about fathering as a survivor is helping to change that.
They've done a complete interview with Ray Charles. Here's an excerpt.
7. What would you tell another survivor father who is expecting their first child?
You have 9 months and counting to help yourself to try and climb out of your own issues (sounds easy, its not). This little person will need you forever. Seek help. Be open with those around you about all and any issues you may have — bathing, touching, affection — because you cant run away from them. If I’d have had some kind of advice back then who knows what would have been different. You are a survivor. Your kid will love you regardless of your foibles. It’s a great opportunity to heal some more and be happy.
They also share a video interview with him done by Shatterboys UK. The group helps raise awareness and provide peer support for male survivors. The video is painful to watch and also hopeful. He describes the abuse he survived and how much it tortured him. And also, how disclosing was healing, in his personal life and also in therapy.
Here are a few excerpts:
"How could I actually make the words comes out of my mouth that I was having having my cock played with by a bloke and I had a hard on."
Believe it or not, until my mid-twenties, with a career and a family, I used to think it was my fault that I kind of participated in it and it's that sort of that thing that kind of grinds you and takes all of your energy, all of your thought processes revolve around that. But it was the control, it's the control that someone has over you in that position has over you that is the most damaging, in my opinion.
It's that feeling of helplessness, all of the guilt, all of the shame - everything - that falls upon the victim. While the perpetrator,it's just a quick thrill for them I think or whatever they go through their head I don't know.
It's like you're behind a piece of glass and no one can hear you. when you feel like that, you just think and look at people who are close to you, who have no idea what you are going through, but it's not their fault. But you think, please please tap into me and help me. Please... but it never, it doesn't come. People are not mind readers. People just don't know."
"The things that I mentioned to him that was causing me turmoil, they were just normal sorts of things to experience. Very normal. I wasn't a freak. That nine-year old boy wasn't a freak. He just a nine-year old boy. But you take that nine-year old boy and you carry him on your back when you are an old man. If I hadn't gotten help I would definitely be in jail or prison."
"That's one of the horrors of this kind of um.. this kind of crime if you like, it's a crime. That's one of the crimes. It puts all of the shame right at your doorstep. But it's not your shit."
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