At least once a week I struggle about what to share here.
This is my most recent example. It's a series of tips on the U.S. Department of Education. These are great hand-outs with comprehensive information about child development that's not too long, abstract or hard to read.
Here's the list (also attached below).
I especially like the flyer for talking about feelings which has the tag line "Talking is teaching."
And the short summary of milestones at different ages and stages from birth to age 4 is also great.
Well-written background about how and why to bond, nurture and play is must sharing stuff, right?
Yes it is.....
And I always hesitate to do so when this information is not coupled with facts or information about why parenting is hard, feels or actually is too challenging to do well at times. If this information doesn't even acknowledge or address the reasons it's difficult to put the information into to practice I am not sure how valuable that is for people.
For example, when there's no talk about ACEs science, traumatic stress and the very real and present problems parents face.
- Health problems
- Domestic violence
- Poverty
- Job loss
- The crisis of a loved one
- Hunger
- Injustice
- and ordinary life/work balance stuff.
If there is no mention of why parents might not be able to implement and practice some of this stuff, whether they already know it or not, does that help?
I don't believe for a minute that the main problem is that parents simply lack the right facts. I don't believe people smoke because they don't know there are dangers or that people overeat because they don't know a donut has more calories than a carrot.
I mean factual information is crucial. It IS important to know the risks of smoking and the benefits of fruits and veggies. However, treating lack of information as the only issue isn't all that effective.
I can have a tool and a skill and maybe still be in a bind. Life if I have a life jacket and know how to swim but it's a car that has crashed and I'm trapped behind the wheel. That life jacket isn't going to save me. If I have nails and know how to use a hammer but only screwdriver, I'm still going to be stuck. Unless someone can share how to make a screwdriver work like a hammer, I'm only going to feel bad reading about how great it would be if I were using the hammer I don't have. I already know what would be better.
So factual information can sometimes miss the point so much that it is insensitive or even hurtful.
It's not that the information is bad. In fact, it might be beneficial at some times, like when it's being sought out and one is open, receptive and able to act on it. But if that's not the case, information alone can make parents feel isolated and alienated and like even those who are supposed to be helping don't get it.
Which is why I always hesitate.
I don't always know what to share that is most helpful but I don't want to share stuff that is hurtful.
On the other hand... what if the information is just what someone is needing, wanting and looking for. Sometimes facts are fantastic and useful bits of fuel.
This poster about feelings is the the kind of thing I put on my refrigerator when my daughter was a toddler. It would remind me that feelings are normal - her feelings and mine. In fact, reading about child development is something that has helped me prioritize and re-prioritize parenting many times.
Not only because it's sometimes educational but because it reminds me that what I do as a parent matters. It matters and so knowing that makes it easier during the times when it's challenging, hard, boring, exhausting and feels overwhelming. Knowing that helps me dig a little deeper.
Sometimes it's super helpful.
Sometimes basic parenting tips aided my own healing. Often, I'd think, "Wow, that's what was supposed to happen if parents weren't teens or overwhelmed or in danger. AND, when that stuff doesn't happen there are some pretty predictable results."
That helped me think about my own early traumas with a little less pissed off at my own parents energy and a little more distance and a little more general understanding of the role of child and parent attaching. Not just for me in my situation but for all kids everywhere.
And it helped me understand why and how early relationships, when troubled, strained, dangerous or traumatic can do damage or make things more difficult for any human. Things like trust, affection or handling conflicts might be harder. That stuff that made me more compassionate with myself and other adults in my life in ways therapy which was so focused on my particulars did not.
That's all pretty positive.
Except that when parents are in the most pain, crisis and are struggling, when parents need the most support, respite and sanctuary, those are the times I think this well-meaning information is useless or damaging.
At times such as those it is shaming, feels like pressure or judgment.
If I was falling short in my parenting it was never because I intended to be a jerk. Not once. Maybe it was because I was overwhelmed, triggered or post-traumatically stressed. Or maybe because I was broke, stressed about the bills, sick and afraid things would get worse before better. Maybe it was because there was a dangerous adult in my life I was trying to avoid or hide from or because someone in my life was in such rough shape I felt they came before me and my kid. It was never my goal to fail or my aim to suck at the most important job in the world.
At no time did I feel good about falling short. Ever.
Not even a little.
And that's why I struggle with if or when or how to share these tools and resources and information that is created with only the best of intentions.
This must be a tension I'm sure others struggle with as well, as parents and professionals.
As a parent, when and how do you receive parenting tips and advice? When and how is it most effective? Is it always empowering or sometimes not at all? Do you ever share parenting resources with others?
As a professional, how do you navigate and find the right content and tone and timing for sharing parenting tips and information about child development?
Please share your experiences, thoughts and ideas. And, if it feels right, resources.
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