In Posthumous Memoir "Playing Hurt", Sportscaster John Saunders Faces His Demons [wbur.org/hereandnow]

This is more from his own writing. It's at the end of the above piece.

Book Excerpt: 'Playing Hurt'

By John Saunders, with John U. Bacon

My father’s death didn’t affect me the way I thought it might. I didn’t feel relief or sadness or even happiness. I felt nothing. Not numbness, but simply nothing at all. But in hindsight I might have been fooling myself, ignoring the pain his death really caused me. Our last chance to make things right had passed, forever, which might have affected me far more than I let on to anyone, including myself.

I continued to blame myself for our dysfunctional relationship—and the one man who might have convinced me otherwise was now gone. As my depression deepened, my long-dormant impulse to cut or burn myself resurfaced. Freud used to say depression was anger turned inward against yourself, and my response to my dad’s death might have been proof.