Many of us have experienced sexual assault and/or abuse. The idea that our children could experience the same is terrifying to the point of being paralyzing.
Even if our daughters have an ACE score of 0 they will not escape sexism.
The upside of so much media coverage about sexual assault, harassment and sexism is that it gives us the opportunity to talk to our kids with a tiny bit of distance. What I mean, is that we can have conversations that are more topical and general, because we are hearing about this topic all of the time right now.
That's not always the case. Sometimes, talking about sexual abuse and sexual assault get relegated to super private and personal talks and is avoided at school or at work or in polite conversations.
But now, we are hearing it on the news. One need not be a survivor, advocate or feminist to be talking about sexism, sexual assault and sexual abuse.
It's being discussed by many people.
A lot.
We are hearing about it in reference to a past president and a presidential candidate so it's a non-partisan issue.
Life is offering us lots and while it's not always comfortable it's important.
So we are talking about what sexual assault is and what harassment and sexism are as well. And more importantly, for those of us in the ACEs community, we are even having the chance to think and talk about the impact of these things in a bigger way.
Is sexism itself an ACE?
I couldn't help but think of ACEs science when I heard Michelle Obama say this:
And I have to tell you that I listen to all of this and I feel it so personally, and I'm sure that many of you do too, particularly the women. The shameful comments about our bodies. The disrespect of our ambitions and intellect. The belief that you can do anything you want to a woman.
It is cruel. It's frightening. And the truth is, it hurts. It hurts. It's like that sick, sinking feeling you get when you're walking down the street minding your own business and some guy yells out vulgar words about your body. Or when you see that guy at work that stands just a little too close, stares a little too long, and makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.
It's that feeling of terror and violation that too many women have felt when someone has grabbed them, or forced himself on them and they've said no but he didn't listen — something that we know happens on college campuses and countless other places every single day. It reminds us of stories we heard from our mothers and grandmothers about how, back in their day, the boss could say and do whatever he pleased to the women in the office, and even though they worked so hard, jumped over every hurdle to prove themselves, it was never enough.
The impact is physical, emotional and maybe even cellular. She's talking about how we inhabit our bodies, souls and skin. She's talking about how we inhabit ourselves, in relation to others.
There is one part of me is sad that sexism is so common and is something so many of us have had to live with, deal with, endure or overcome.
Sometimes it's something we have shrugged off like an annoyance, sometimes it's a threat that puts a job, a relationship and our safety at risk. And sometimes, it comes in the form of harm done to us that has short and/or long-term consequences.
That's all quite personal but it's also systemic.
I for one and relieved to to be able to approach these topics not only as personal ones but as huge health and social and political issues that are meaningful and important for everyone.
These are issues our sons as well as our daughters need to understand and be educated about.
How does sexism impact health?
There's little that's more personal than feeling safe in our skin and with others. This is true for adults and it's even more true for children.
It can be depressing to learn just how big this problem still is. It means the world isn't yet as safe as i want it to be for my daughter. Not at school or at work or at church or in the community. And that there can be danger, even at home.
It means there's more work to be done.
Work that we must do as parents.
Especially as parents know about adverse childhood experiences.
Our children live with sexism and racism in their own bodies and experience these things in addition to other ACEs.
ACEs science teaches us about the physical and lasting impacts of traumatic and toxic stress experienced by children. Racism and sexism can be traumatic.
What's more personal than being made to "feel uncomfortable in your own skin"?
Sexism is stressful and often traumatic.
So is racism. We are talking more about race and racism right now than we have in a while. And not only about the personal stuff that it impacts our family or people we know and live. It goes beyond what it means for my daughter to be a person of color with a white mother. We are talking about the importance of movements such as #blacklivesmatter - not only as a social justice movement but as it relates to the health of those unfairly burdened (and dealing with other types of oppression, too)
But we are not powerless.
We can use what we know about ACEs. We can be a place of safety, sturdiness and sanctuary for our kids - even when we can't prevent every bit of racism and sexism they experience and will face. We can know that matters and that it helps.
We can be a constant place and space where our kids can feel safe and seen and at ease. We can be the place where they catch their breath and re-regulate. We can prioritize self-care and emphasize that as well as why caring for others matters so much.
Personally, for our family and community, but also in general.
For everyone.
What we've learned from ACEs science can help us buffer some of the impacts of sexism and racism we can't yet completely protect our children from. That's something.
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