Causes of conflicts between parents and children
Let's take one of the typical examples of the cause of the conflict between parents and children (have you happened to come across a similar situation?): The family is sitting in front of the TV in the evening, but everyone wants to watch their own. For example, a son is an avid fan, and he expects to watch the broadcast of a football match. Mom is in the mood for the next episode of a film or TV series. A dispute flares up: the mother cannot miss the episode, she "has been waiting for it all day"; the son cannot refuse the match in any way: he "has been waiting for it even longer!"
What creates a conflict situation and leads to the "heat of passions"? Obviously, the point is a clash of interests between the parent and the child, which gives rise to a conflict. Note that in such cases, the satisfaction of the desire of one side means infringement of the interests of the other and causes strong negative experiences: irritation, resentment, anger. What to do in such cases?
Non-constructive conflict resolution
The well-known psychologist Julia Gippenreiter combines two well-known non-constructive ways of resolving conflicts under the title "Only one wins".
The first non-constructive way of resolving the conflict between parents and children can be called "Only the parent wins": Parents who are inclined to use the first method believe that it is necessary to prove the child wrong. Without noticing it, they show children a dubious example of behavior: "always achieve what you want, regardless of the desires of the other." And children are very sensitive to the manners of their parents, and from early childhood they imitate them. So in families where authoritarian, forceful methods are used, children quickly learn to do the same. They seem to return the lesson taught to adults.
There is another version of this method: gently but persistently demand that the child fulfill his parents' desire. This is often accompanied by explanations with which the child ultimately agrees. However, if such pressure is a constant tactic of parents, with the help of which they always achieve their goal, then the child learns another rule: "My personal interests (desires, needs) do not count, you still have to do what the parents want or demand."
In some families, this goes on for years, and the children are constantly defeated. They tend to grow up either aggressive or overly passive. But in both cases, they accumulate resentment and their relationship with their parents cannot be called close and trusting.
The second non-constructive way of resolving the conflict between parents and children - "Only the child wins": This path is followed by parents who are either afraid of conflicts ("peace at any cost"), or are ready to constantly sacrifice themselves "for the good of the child", or both. In these cases, children grow up as selfish, not accustomed to order, unable to organize themselves.
All this may not be so noticeable within the family "general compliance", but as soon as they go out and get involved in some common cause, they begin to experience great difficulties. At school, at work, in any company, no one wants to indulge them anymore.
In such a family, parents accumulate a deaf dissatisfaction with their own child and their fate. In old age, such "eternally compliant" adults are often lonely and abandoned. And only then comes an epiphany: they cannot forgive themselves for softness and unrequited dedication.
A constructive way to resolve conflicts
"Both sides win: parent and child"
The solution algorithm includes several steps:
The first step is to clarify the conflict situation: First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or does not want, what he needs or is important, what brings him difficulties, etc. The parent does this in the style of active listening, which means that the parent needs to voice the desire, need, or problems of the child. After that, the parent speaks about his/her desire or problem, using the form "Message Me". For example: “You know, I was really looking forward to this program (instead of:“ Don't you know that I watch it every day ?! ”).
Once again, it is necessary to start with listening to the child. After he makes sure that you hear his problem, he is much more willing to hear yours, and will also take part in the search for a joint solution. Often, as soon as an adult begins to actively listen to the child, the severity of the brewing conflict subsides.
The second step is the collection of proposals: this stage begins with the question: "What should we come up with?", Or: "What should we do?" After that, you must definitely wait, give the child the opportunity to be the first to propose a solution (or solutions), and only then offer your options.
At the same time, not a single proposal, even the most inappropriate, from your point of view, is rejected from the spot. At first, proposals are simply gathered. When the collection of proposals is over, you should take the next step.
The third step is to evaluate the proposals for resolving the conflict and choose the most acceptable one: at this stage, a joint discussion of the proposals takes place. The "parties" by this time already know each other's interests, and the previous steps help create an atmosphere of mutual respect. When several parties participate in the discussion, the most acceptable proposal is considered to be one that suits all participants.
Step four - detailing the decision: suppose the family has decided that the son is already big, and it is time for him to get up on his own, have breakfast, and go to school. This will free mom from the early hassle and give her the opportunity to get enough sleep. However, one solution is not enough. We need to teach the child how to use the alarm clock, show where what food is, how to warm up breakfast, etc.
The fifth step is execution, checking: let's take this example: the family decided to unload the mother, to divide household chores more evenly. After going through all the stages, we came to a definite decision. It would be nice to write it down on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall (see step four).
Suppose the eldest son had such responsibilities: take out the trash, wash the dishes in the evenings, buy bread, and take the younger brother to the garden. If before the boy did not do all this regularly, then at first breakdowns are possible.
Do not blame him for every failure. Better to wait a few days. At a convenient moment, when he and you have time, and no one is annoyed, you can ask: "Well, how are you doing? Is it working out?"
It is better if the child himself says about the failures. There may be too many of them. Then it is worth clarifying what, in his opinion, the reason is. Maybe something was not taken into account, or some help is needed; or he would have preferred another, "more responsible" assignment.
In conclusion, it is worth noting that this method does not leave anyone with a sense of failure and will allow you to resolve the conflict between parents and child as efficiently as possible. It starts with cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.
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