Cissy's note: I was on a stay-cation last week and had some time to write and blog. Here's an except from my latest piece.
I didn’t know how well a cry could be soothed, warmed, tended.
I didn’t know how satisfying it would feel to cuddle, coddle, and cradle my baby girl. She was so tiny, only 10 pounds though ten months, because of living in an orphanage without enough food or love.
I was overwhelmed by the love pouring out of me in endless supply. I had not anticipated the sea of love that would swim from my being.
I found that lifting my daughter, rocking her, holding her hand, looking at her, taking her up and in and swaddling her and sometimes even pointing in a new direction or giving her a cheerio or something to see or touch could help.
I learned that changing what she saw what she looked out on what she felt was possible and powerful.
Why trauma therapy doesn’t start with attachment, the understanding of how basic, essential, and beautiful primary bonds are supposed to be – is beyond me.
I saw that just moving the seat she was in, turning the page of the book we were reading, replacing the texture of a sock or shirt or food could make a world of difference. I learned that changing things could change things, and sometimes, small changes made a huge difference.
Does this sound obvious? It wasn’t. It was wonderfully perplexing.
I didn’t seem to have this power when it came to myself, which is not the presence of trauma but the absence of attachment.
My ex-boyfriend used to say the red-flag, for him, about me was how self-sacrificing I was. The first time he told me that I actually blushed, like it was a compliment. “I”m a champ at ignoring my needs. There’s almost no bodily impulse I can’t shut down or override,” I said.
I can work with migraines, asthma, a concussion. Shingles, for me, wasn’t as bad as the flea infestations I’d had as kids. I thought the flu-like feeling I got when the shingles started was me just being a baby with AC conditioning.
But my ex was not admiring my “skills,” or “abilities,” which I honestly thought were strengths at the time. He was seeing something I didn’t yet know was a flaw – I sucked at taking care of myself. I thought my ability to ignore myself was super-human. The truth is, I didn’t know how to be human enough.
Even as I mothered and discovered mother-love, I still didn’t understand how well to mother myself.
I just knew that what I was helping my daughter with made her become someone who did learn how to tend to herself in ways she just does without thought. Unlike me she doesn’t use sticky notes to remind herself to go pee, drink more water, eat when hungry, sleep when tired, stand up and stretch. She listens to her body. It communicates with her. It signals and she responds.
I wonder if others know these things are learned?
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