Here's another private email I got last week that I'm eager to share to keep this dialogue going. Clearly, people are looking for more about trauma-informed parenting and interested in the question posed by Colette Ryan.
These are Heather Turner's thoughts. She shared them via email and I asked if she'd allow them to be shared with the wider group. Luckily, she agreed.
Please add your own thoughts, feelings and insights to this conversation.
I was forwarded a copy of your email in which Colette wrote the following:
Copmia (children of parents with mental illness) as it was originally known, is looking at the difficulties of parenting if you have depression, or a bi-polar illness. But not parenting as a person who has a trauma history (because we don't really acknowledge that yet).
Please keep me on your roster too if you come across resources outside of the general practice.
The one resource I do know of which I wish to god we had here in the U.S., is called: Young Carers, youngcarers@carers.org
In some real ways, I wish it was possible to create a weekend conference for 'stable' parents AND the children, where they could come and share stories, and simply see that they are not alone. Different than NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness), which is a very much respected and needed group, but can also be heavy-weighted and limiting in context. It usually focuses on info specifically for parents of children or adult children of a parent with mental illness, versus, young children with parents with mental illness and the reality of the stable parent parenting alone through the maze of connection and wellbeing.
A conference I envision:
key-note speakers on ACE's, psychiatry break-throughs, innovative unconventional social uplifts, (lYoungCarer's, Orange Sky, Back-on-my-feet); comedian's who 'get it'; exercises and ice breakers to share the creative personal strengths and fears drawn upon that are often private experiences; a program of different classes on related topics, including ACE's, Resilience and community building,; and maybe most important, space and platform for youth/teens with the same of all the above, but specifically for them to share their stories of amazing coping and caring skills sets they use as well as real/current and past fears they deal/t with. To give them a voice to reflect back their empowerment and autonomy within the ever-changing and ongoing dynamic.
It would be wonderful to break it up into specific life categories. I can think of a whole program for youth, but because I know I am already writing lengthy, I will speak to the 'stable' parent categories (for 'stable parent' or 'caretakers' of children where the other parent is mentally challenged):
For example:
1) navigating school (ex: explaining to your child's teacher the reason your son is acting out and upset is actually not 'over nothing,' is he is very conscious of weather. It is pouring rain and freezing outside and he is imagining his father, who is homeless and challenged, surviving in the elements. He does not know how to articulate this to his teacher. Or,
2) how to set healthy modeling boundaries for the teenager while also honoring the autonomy and creative relationship she has established with the other parent to stay connected. (ex: knowing the other parent does not own a cell phone, they worked out a system that if a random number shows on the teens phone, the unstable parent is calling from a pay-phone (I can only think this must be the last pay-phone that takes coins in the universe, and he found it). In order to keep the 'coins' to use again, the other parent hangs up after each ring.
The teen is to call the number shown on her phone ASAP. This is both a life-line and connection. This method can be both a a joyous thing and a toxic burden, as the other parent has no real sense of 'time, of the teens healthy needs and of emotional boundaries. How to talk about and build your child's toolbox, especially if they are fearful of developing the same mental illness as their beloved (and sometimes to keep it real, hated) parent. How to support them so they do not carry guilt for their changing feelings as they grow.
4) judgement or disconnect of family and friends toward the stable parent as well as toward the parent who is not stable. The isolation felt within re the multitude of endless private and daily decisions they each have to make, distinctly different in survival. For the stable parent, vigilant tracking and unpacking goes on every day. This has to be age appropriate for all kids in the house.
The categories go on but definitely included is:
5) humor. Sharing and laughing in the absurdities and unique situations, strengthening over commonalities recognized and missed, -celebrating the beauty and ugliness we find, even if we don't understand it all.
I know this was was incredibly lengthy. A part of me is hesitant to send with exception of the initial resource. It was a lot to just find words, as most of the time, I do not have anyone to share the realities much less, genuine ideas and hopes for fuller support for others.
Do look up 'YoungCarer's.' Thank you for your time.
Kindly, -Heather Turner
Note: Trauma-informed parenting is an important topic and YOUR thoughts, ideas, emotions and resources are valuable. Please keep sharing them. And if anyone needs help walking through posting a blog or comment, please let me know. YOUR ideas and experiences and resources are valuable to us all. I'm happy to share emails (with permission, of course), as well.
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