Note: This handout was developed with, for and by parents in the child welfare system. However, it's got great content for all parents.
For example, the article "Fight or Flight: Coping When Visits Stir Up Reminders of Trauma" is excellent. Lots of us parenting with ACEs have had the shameful experience of being triggered by our children. It can feel horrible. However, it's something we rarely admit, talk about or find addressed anywhere.
Part of the problem is that much of the stuff written to support parents in crisis is not written by people who have been in crisis or who are parents or who have been parents in crisis.
That's what I love about this publications. it's written to, for, by and with parents in the child welfare system in one way or another. The focus is on the parental experience and all advice and guidance stems from a place of understanding and relating.
It has tips on handling supervised visits, visiting do's and don'ts and general information on calming and self-advocacy.
It's a real model for other professional organizations and shows why parents need to be partners with organizations geared towards helping children and families.
A lot of times organizations wanting to support children have an educate the parent model. It's not that it's not good and wise content. But, if you aren't eating well, in your life, is it because you don't know the nutritional value of an apple or is it something else?
That something else is often what drives our behavior despite our best intentions and wishes and plans.
Parenting is something that is active and dynamic and it's emotional some times. Other times it's all about shuffling kids from one place to another, getting things attended to (homework, showers, bath time, eating, cleaning, chores) and there may be little time for play or rest.
What I notice most is how much parenting stuff isn't about how parenting feels, what the joys and challenges are, but is instead about child development. I'm not saying we don't need that. We do. I think all therapy should start with a primer on what a healthy childhood is all about as well as what a lot of ACEs can do to a person.
However, when it comes to full-throttle parenting, it's more akin to driving. If I want to become a better driving, I need more time behind the wheel being coached and helped by someone who has been on the roads I'm driving, and in all the same weather conditions. Driving in a blizzard is not the same as driving when the roads are clear. Knowing more about the car's engine won't necessarily make me handle the icy, snow and reduced visibility. What I maybe need is working windshield wipers and good tires and to get off the roads before it's dark.
This, to me, is often missing. And sometimes it's hard to show how and why stuff isn't working all that well. Sometimes it's easier to show what works better. To me, this is an example of what works better.
It's for parents in crisis and it's by parents who have been in the same boat (or car).
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