I asked parents on my Heal Write Now Facebook page for some feedback before my last talk on Parenting with PTSD. Here are some of the responses parent shared.
“When I first became a parent I didn't understand that not all parents reacted or were triggered the way I was. For example, all parents go through lack of sleep but for me it brought up physical and emotional memories of the years of night terrors I suffered. It took me awhile to figure that out on my own.”
Karen P.
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“Managing the terror around the possibility of everyone being a perp: Especially when child(ren) is non-verbal: what does that look like logistically for parents for the first 1-4 years? Does it mean never leaving kids with anyone? What toll does that take?
When abuse has taken place in families and we're now creating our own... this is a huge thing to keep in mind for the countless possibilities of being triggered.
How to talk with children about body agency.
How to talk with children about why they won't meet X relative. I could go on and on...”
RLK
“Feeling like I matter is a hard concept too.”
MG
“If my son had a meltdown, I had my own inner meltdown. If he didn't want love or care, I couldn't manage to ask for it either. The toll of emotions left me weary and scared. I coped with this pain by drinking rum after my kids went to bed. I didn't know how else to deal. I didn’t want to deal in any other way.
I was miserable and struggling and my PTSD made the suffering that much worse. Yet I felt so guilty for struggling. I all but stopped going to my own therapist at the time. My son was the one suffering here and misinterpreting words, gestures, suggestions. I felt I had no room to be defeated or upset every damn waking hour.
I wish that as a parent with PTSD, that there were any kind of help on a local, social media, or otherwise-- level. I wish that it was discussed in the child's therapy session how the parents are dealing with this. I would have wept into oblivion and asked if it was okay if I'm falling apart at the seams. My parenting take is a different angle, because it involves a special needs child, but I can't be the only mother with PTSD trying to be a supportive mother to a great kid who has ASD.
Support is paramount.” Heather P
“My boys are 12 and 14 now but when my oldest son was born I hardly slept and even when I could take a nap there was always this sense of alertness that kept me from falling asleep. I was 37 when he was born and had done a lot of therapy and read a lot about parenting because I did not want to repeat my parents’ patterns, but this was new: someone completely depending on you and as you say: no balance between taking care of yourself and of the baby. Even when my husband told me to go to sleep because he would take care of our son I just could not let go. I hardly slept but I had to do this the best way I could. To be there. It became better when he grew up though luckily.” Ann
“With an ace score of 8 out of 10 parenting has been a hard slog. I am having to develop emotionally and socially alongside our children.
Hitting my limit is the most notable thing. It’s a hard and unyielding limit where only self preservation and withdrawal is on the other side, which can be confusing and frightening for all involved. Over time it is taking longer and longer to hit my limits, as my development increases my staying power does also. But then there’s that corollary that children used to seeing me hit my limit, want to keep pushing and testing until it gets hit again, so a self fulfilling prophecy dynamic has already been created. The hardest thing I find is the perpetual shortage of time and space to recuperate; to rest, recover and process. Rewiring and ground up development requires a lot of recuperation I find.’
Chris
”was stone set on not repeating the trauma I had growing up. I consciously and painfully taught myself to trust my husband when he said I could sleep and go “off”… That was the start of a slow painful journey to learn what self care looks like. I have more than two settings now (off/on) and am learning the gift of rest and being present. “
Hannah
If you are a parent, what might you add? You can email if you want it to be private. If you work with parents in any way are these issues addressed? If so, how?
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