I was leaving the house on the way to do something brand new and scary a few weeks ago. My two close friends, Heidi and Kathy, both sent me a text.
One has an ACE score of 10.
One has a below 4 score.
The text from Kathy reminded me that I am loved and safe. She sent me a sticky note with affirmations and attempted to calm my nerves by reminding me that humans are caring and curious and want to know what others have to say.
The other text was from Heidi. It said, "Beast mode today." That was her pep talk. Period. This is the same Heidi who shared a meme with me earlier that read: "I'm not a survivor, I'm an f'n warrior."
Guess who has the high ACE score?
Guess who has the lower score?
Guess which one of these two feels the world is a fundamentally a safe and welcoming place?
Guess who feels that even a voluntary event is a fight and that life itself is a challenge, a battle and that we must fight, defend, slay or be conquered?
I love them both. I need them both.
As friends and also as people who support my own parenting. Parenting with PTSD and ACEs, Today, still, decades of healing, safety and recovery I need them.
I relate more to Heidi who has an ACE score of 10. She feels familiar and gets it and me. It's like we share the same homeland and lingo, know the same culture and rules and language.
On the other hand, Kathy is my tour guide in the new country, the place I hope to learn more about because it's where my daughter will call home. It's not my first language I speak but I"m trying to get fluent. I want my daughter to have all the feel-good about the world and people feelings Kathy has.
Kathy scans for safety and Heidi scans for danger.
Heidi scans for proof and evidence that the world is dangerous and Kathy seeks out all that confirms her views.
Heidi and I understand planning for danger and change and what to do if all goes bad or wrong or awful. We know people can lie, cheat, betray or get overwhelmed by stress or relapse or get violent. It doesn't mean they don't love us or aren't trying but that things can get too much or too hard. We know this because we know this. It's happened. It's been life. It's been true. It's been reality.
But I also have to remind myself that it's not always and forever true and that other things are true too. Life can be cruel and unfair to kids and adults but that's not a guarantee for everyone.
Kathy scans the world for proof of safety, good will and warmth and anchors herself in what she believes and experiences. She's always been fed, housed and loved and assumes that that will always be true. It's not that she's not known loss or pain, she's human and has.
But Kathy's knowing of pain or loss has always been coupled with the experience of being cared for in a larger community of family. She's been fed, housed and loved mostly in ways that didn't compromise her physical or emotional integrity or security, at all or for long. Abuse and neglect weren't staples that she grew up with as regular parts of home or family or the world.
And so, of course, Kathy values and prioritizes that community and support that she knows is protective. Her kids know that there are many trusted loved ones looking out for them. And they are right. They have that. It's their reality.
That's not true for all. Not in the past or the present.
If we had it rough, as kids, how can we not raise kids who are scrappy, self-reliant and who aren't so tender or fragile they can deal if and when chaos, injustice and cruelty strike them? How can we not prioritize survival if we have been in danger?
This is the challenge when it comes to changing expectations and reality. That's not always something we can do with wishful thinking or positive affirmations.
We live in different worlds at times as well as being shaped by different past experiences.
And it's not even like Heidi is without a home or a job. She isn't. She has both right now. But if she gets sick, or loses her job, she does not have extended family to turn to and her life could change radically and quickly. If the same happened to Kathy, she would have more options, resources and people who would help her.
It's not because one of them is a nicer or better or kinder or more deserving person. But their lives were and are different. And that's in large part because of ACEs.
Not entirely but substantially.
So it makes sense for Heidi to scan for danger as the only breadwinner and nurturer.
And Kathy, who shares responsibilities, chores and worries with many trusted loved ones worries less. She has less to worry about. For herself. For her kids.
Kathy isn't more optimistic or hard working than Heidi, but she's got things that make her past, present and future easier than Heidi's whether times are good or bad.
This weekend I was in Boston. A homeless man came up to the window while I was in the passenger seat. When he walked away I told my boyfriend that since my father died I come into Boston much more. I no longer look for my absent Dad in the face of homeless men.
I said I was glad my daughter never knew a grandfather who was violent, drunk, raging. I'm glad she didn't have someone in her inner circle she saw ravaged by untreated addiction or disease.
The Gramp she does know, my step--father, isn't scary, volatile or a mystery. He isn't a predator sometimes and doting other days. That's made for a better childhood. Her Gramp has shown up the same for all 14 years of her life. That is a building block set in childhood that she'll step up and on and over for the rest of her life. I'm glad it's not broken, shaky or crumbling.
That's what the absence of ACEs can give, security.
As an adult I have to remind myself, and Heidi, that everything isn't a fight, a battle and a struggle. Some people are reliable and trustworthy on a regular basis. I believe that now at least some of the time but I don't always remember.
I still have to learn to scan for proof of kindness, security and good.
Sometimes I can shift my perspective simply by changing what I focus on in my life and the world. But it's not as simple as that. At all.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself and Kathy of that. People with high ACEs or developmental trauma are not just clinging to a victim story of the past. We aren't stuck in a Groundhog Day of trauma. There are valid and good reasons people don't trust the world and others, easily or at all, and it's based on reality, experience and wisdom not negativity. Experiences both past and present.
So to parent differently than I was parented I need both Heidi and Kathy.
I need to hear both "Beast mode today" and to remember I'm safe now and lovable.
In fact, when I need to feel like myself, unguarded and at ease and not crazy, I call on Heidi to share, laugh and relate.
But when I have parenting questions or need advice, Kathy is my go-to person. Kathy has three grown kids who talk to her, call her, ask her for help and are also happy and healthy and employed and pursuing dreams.
Kathy's relationship with her daughter is one I hope to have with mine. Mostly, I hope my daughter feels the way Kathy and her kids do about people and the world.
Even if she gets there before I do.
While I learn, I'm glad to have Heidi who scans for danger and threat and who is loyal and loving when life gets hard knowing not everyone has family. And I need Kathy who scans for abundance and security and puts family first.
They are different but I love and adore them both.
Neither one is smarter or kinder or more loving than the other. They just know different things about the world and life and family.
Kathy is leaning on four decades old traditions on the holidays. Heidi has a Christmas Eve open house for all with no where to go home to.
They have different traditions, experiences and perspectives.
One is carrying on traditions. One is recovering from not having good ones and creating news ones at the same time.
They both have things to teach and learn and to offer.
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