Let's create a list of resources useful for parenting ourselves and children.
These can be books about child development or self-help books or a work of fiction that had important wisdom.
If there's a title that's helped you or someone you know, love or work with as it relates to parenting, please share.
For me, my absolute favorite is this:
There's Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate, Cheri Huber
This book is not about parenting. It's not about how-to parent I should say but it is a lot about being socialized and parented and how that shapes the ways in which we relate to ourselves.
It's my all-time favorite self-help book, especially when I have anxiety or angst.
In super simple language it shows how self-hate stems from the way we were parented and the difference between who we are and how we interact with ourselves.
It's easy to read hand-written text which can make it feel like a letter or guidance from a friend rather than an academic read.
There's a concept, I learned in her work, and I"m paraphrasing, but it said something like:
How you talk to others is about who you are. How you speak to yourself, (self talk, in your head) is about how you were parented.
If you have a big disconnect between the two, as I often do, looking at early patterning is helpful. For me, shifting the way I talk to myself so it's more similar to how I talk to others was a way of doing really important healing work.
It was like I could see my own self-hate and criticism and judgment as just old messaging I no longer wanted to participate in and perpetuate.
Honestly, until I got this concept, I couldn't absorb or get what all the self-care and self-compassion and being your own best friend crap was about. I don't think it's crap now but I did. I thought it was mushy and New Age and not applicable to me because I thought one actually needs to be tough and hard internally to survive.
Here's an example of the format and content in her book. This is one whole page.
So, it's just so helpful and nurturing and kind and clear. It makes the need for parenting the self well, attending to your own needs and emotions, etc. but not over identifying with them great. For me, it was even more than some of the "inner child" framework though it's pretty similar. It does have a meditation/Buddhist orientation which isn't for everyone but was fine for me.
The author has been through A LOT so she also has the authority of lived experience, which for me, was key. She's been in agony and she's not anymore. She's found ways to sit through strong sensations and emotions without numbing out or turning on herself. This is one of the books I keep by my bed.
The other books which are totally different, practical and helpful are these:
The series of books: Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, by Louise Bates Ames, Ph.D. (and in different years different co-authors)
This was a guide on kids and what is just age appropriate general kid stuff to expect. It was grounded and affirming and helped me see the child perspective and what's happening, developmentally, at different ages and stages.
It offers quick and easy general information. For example, when my daughter was 12 and stuff might feel big or intense or challenging, it was great to see what is happening for most kids at this age. Of course all kids are different but the general information is helpful.
Plus, the author helps understand life from the perspective of the child and what their goals and needs are at different ages and stages. Plus, it's not about problems, it's about normal development and that's also helpful. It's basic, general, neutral and easy to read.
Some of the text is a bit dated but the general concepts are totally applicable still.
What about you?
Please add a title or two.
We can create a resource for those who can't rely on memory, history, default patterns and who are changing family systems. Any title can be included.
