It has become increasingly common for children to hit their parents in our modern society, and parents suffer from embarrassment, stress, and the bewilderment of how to address these offenses. I have witnessed this with my own grandchildren, and it is a common concern with the resource families I serve through A Greater Hope. This show of aggression is not always associated with some type of disorder, (although children with ADHD or ODD are more likely to hit), culture, or socio-economic level of the family, so why?
In most cases children hit because they have a lack of emotional control—they simply do not possess sufficient skills to control the intense emotions they are feeling. It can also happen if there are too few—or too many rules. Parenting styles that are too permissive or too authoritarian make children have a low tolerance for frustration, be more impulsive, and lack sympathy—all of which can lead to aggressive behavior from the child. Age is another important factor, with physical aggression and tantrums being more common in a non-verbal toddler, but less so, when a child has mastered language and can express their feelings verbally. Hopefully, the following tips will help you approach the matter.
Teach early and show young children how to name their feelings and to give voice, through words, as to what emotion they are experiencing. This can be done through picture cards even with toddlers whom are non- verbal. Show them cards of simple faces with happy, sad, upset, scared, angry, confused, excited, shocked, sick, tired, hungry and thirsty images to help them understand their own needs and how to communicate those needs to you.
Teach coping skills. Encourage your child to take a deep breath using bubbles or a pinwheel, to draw a picture, or go to their “calming corner” or “nest”—a special space created for retreat filled with low light, soft pillows, blankets and toys—to self-regulate when they feel overwhelmed.
Teach appropriate behavior. Just saying, “DON’T HIT!” will not help your child develop anger management skills. Discuss their feelings and the importance of dealing with them in a socially acceptable and safe way. Let them know “hands are for hugging, not hitting.”
Model the behavior you want to see in your child. Remember that children learn more about what they see than what they hear you say. This goes for the games and programming they are exposed to as well—studies show that exposure to violence begets more violent behavior. This is another reason that parents should never use corporal punishment, as it only causes confusion as to why you are allowed to hit and they are not.
Create household rules that address respect. Make it very clear that hitting, kicking, biting, throwing objects and other acts of physical aggression will not be allowed in your home. Talk to your child to ensure they understand the rules and the consequences of breaking the rules and allow them to have a say in what those consequences should be—you might be surprised to find their own idea of appropriate punishment is more severe than what you yourself would impose.
Get professional help—especially when you have an older child that hits you. Talk to your child’s doctor about your concerns and ask for a referral for an evaluation to help determine the cause of the aggression and create a plan to address it. Sometimes there are underlying issues that can contribute, such as cognitive or developmental delays, or disorders such as oppositional defiant disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
Observe your own behavior and reaction when your child hits you. It is best to remove yourself from the situation and calmly tell the child, ‘I do not like being hit, so I am going to take a break, and when you are calm we can talk and find a solution to what’s going on.’ Follow through on what you said and show your child you will pay attention to them only when they have calmed down. In this way, your child will learn that their needs and feelings are important to you, but that when someone does not treat us well, we must set limits.
Amazon carries a lot of wonderful games and activity books that are very useful for helping children understand and learn to control their anger and other “BIG” feelings. Try card games such as CBT123, Mad Dragon, and Don’t Go Bananas. There are also two wonderful books with activities to help children calm down, cope, and regain control:
Anger Management Skills Workbook for Kids, by Amanda Robinson
PEACEFUL Strategies Toolkit, by Dr. Kirk Austin
Source: Saylor KE, Amann BH. Impulsive aggression as a comorbidity of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in children and adolescents. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychopharmacol. 016;26(1): 19-25. doi:10.1089/cap.2015.0126
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