By Pooja Lakshmin, M.D., The New York Times, May 7, 2022
I’m not someone who dreamed of motherhood as a girl. Quite the opposite. In my early 30s, I had a recurring nightmare in which I was unknowingly pregnant and the fetus felt like a parasite invading my body.
Growing up in South Asian culture, which valorizes women’s childbearing and mothering responsibilities above all else, was one reason for my fear. I also got divorced in my late 20s. Becoming a mom didn’t seem like it was in the cards for me and I was OK with that.
Despite these life experiences, I became a physician specializing in maternal mental health. After I graduated from my psychiatry residency and chose to focus on perinatal psychiatry, my therapist gently suggested that my decision was perhaps a healthy coping mechanism — a way for me to “try on” motherhood from a comfortable distance. There was something pulling me close to motherhood, but the role did not feel safe for me to experience myself — until now.
Currently, I am 34 weeks pregnant. I’m coming to motherhood at the age of 38. My partner and I had the privilege of making this choice to become parents later in life, using assisted reproductive technology to conceive. And I know that my career and life experiences have provided me with a better understanding of what I was afraid of and with the ability to prepare for motherhood in the ways that matter most.
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