Denial

Denial

Denial of what you feel will not make it go away. It ensures that it never gets resolved.

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I will always be honest about my journey to myself and others. Lying serves no purpose. I will admit this journey has stopped and started so many times. This time is different because I will not give up. I do have moments of doubt where I question whether I am fulfilling my purpose and living my passion. The questions only came up once I was in therapy, working on my denial and emotions.

In 2010, I received a phone call that would change my life and family dynamic forever. I was working in the corporate world and climbing the ladder. I enjoyed my job for the most part. However, all of that changed due to family issues. I had to take my first leave because my home life was suffering.

I’ll never forget that call at my desk while at work. It was a social worker from CPS. She appeared to be considerate. I was confused by the conversation. She advised me that my youngest son disclosed to his principal that his sibling was molesting him. The news sent shock waves and set off serious events. I met with CFS to determine the best course of action, given it was a sibling. I complied with every requirement while being numb.

The endless intrusive interviews, multiple court dates, and charges being filed against a 13-year-old child took a toll on me. The forensic interviews determined the abuse had been ongoing and cruel. I learned that my oldest child was sexually molesting my youngest child. I was devastated, angry, bitter, and sad. I could not process my feelings after the trial. My oldest denied every accusation. However, I knew the truth deep down inside. My youngest was changing because of the abuse.

The juvenile court handled the trial. I was there for every meeting regarding my children. I had to balance between both of them. One was locked up in a juvenile facility with trauma. The other was home and suffering from trauma. The trial ended, and I was left to pick up the broken pieces. I felt shame, guilt, anger, bitterness, and sadness. My emotions were all over the place. My child was sentenced to complete sex offender treatment and has no contact with his only sibling. He was immediately placed in a group home for treatment.

I continued to support both children. I kept them separated and had no contact with each other per family court. I knew that was the best. I was juggling between two children who were battling their issues. I refused to acknowledge that there was something deeper happening to me. I lived in denial for months while being on autopilot. If I admitted the truth, I would lose my mind and never return.

I spent several years in denial. I questioned why my oldest son would abuse his sibling. I later learned a close relative abused my oldest son. He refused to speak about it until he was seventeen. I refused to believe my children would harm each other in that way. I was in denial that my family would still be intact after everything. I was in denial of the pain I truly felt because I was sexually abused as a child, which caused painful flashbacks. My world started on a downward spiral. I became numb and in denial of the pain.

I hit rock bottom and had to take a leave of absence from work due to severe mental illnesses. I finally worked up enough courage to see a psychiatrist. I’ll never forget her words. She let me know I was not mentally able to return to work. I cried the whole time she was interviewing me for their outpatient therapy program. It was a step down from being hospitalized. I refused to be on anyone’s psych ward. I was told they would handle everything for my requested time off.

I went home and cried for hours. It was the first candid conversation that I had. I let it all out. In that conversation with the doctor, I learned I suppressed a lot of things. I held onto so much guilt, shame, and sadness. What happened between my children only opened up my old, unhealed wounds. I was an incest survivor who never indeed addressed her trauma. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder II, PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety. I was prescribed medications. I never had to take medicine daily, so I struggled. I was in denial of my medical diagnosis. I refused to believe my brain would betray me, especially with all the messed up crap happening in my life. Denial led me to the darkest period in my life. I was in and out of the hospital. I would continue to do that so much over the next several years I lost count. I lived with suicidal ideations.

I finally accepted my medical diagnosis in 2017, thus starting the best healing journey of my life. Denial kept me tied to the trauma and unhealed wounds. I had first to acknowledge the pain and stop living in denial. Secondly, I began processing the underlying feelings when it came to my children and my mental illness. I finally accepted what it was, and I let go.

It’s 2024, and I’m still healing and learning much about myself. I am becoming the woman I want to be—the best version of myself. Sometimes, I forget, but the Divine always sends little reminders from people, places, and things. I have to listen.

So, no matter where you are on this life journey, you owe it to yourself, to be honest. You owe it to yourself to learn. You owe it to yourself to feel every emotion and let it go. You owe it to yourself to heal. You owe it to yourself to be free. You owe it to yourself to become the best version of yourself, no matter what.

***I do not give medical advice. These stories are my ugly and beautiful truths and are partof my healing journey. I hope to inspire others living with mental illnesses, childhood trauma,  addictions, shame, guilt, and ugly truths to start their cycle of healing from darkness to light without judgment.

Love, Light, & Peace