Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D. Psychology Today blog post, January 14, 2025

This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences. Read the other parts here.

Thomas survived six different adverse childhood experiences, including neglect, abuse, and his parents’ divorce. His strong emotions were constantly causing him problems. Then he learned about emotional intelligence and found hope.

Emotional intelligence (EI) is a prized collection of skills, which are linked to better mental health, better decision making, success in the workplace and relationships, and fewer self-destructive behaviors (such as addictions and self-harm),

The good news is that the skills that comprise EI can be cultivated by anyone, even following adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), which can impair AI’s development

What is Emotional Intelligence?

EI is the ability to recognize and name the emotions (feelings, bodily responses, and thoughts) we are experiencing, and to effectively manage those emotions. It is also the ability to read the emotions of others and apply effective “people skills.”

The Challenges of ACEs

ACEs tend to wire the developing brain to be on high alert—prone to intense emotions such as anger, anxiety, and depression. Attachment disruptions can cause difficulty in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. Understandably, emotional numbing, impulsivity, and avoidance of emotions are common in ACEs survivors.

The Dimensions of Emotional Intelligence

EI starts with self-awareness. Familiarity with the dimensions of EI helps one gain self-awareness. People with EI:

Are calm and comfortable with the full range of emotions. They understand that all emotions serve a useful purpose and are a normal part of being human. For example, anger might signal the need to protect themselves, or, if anger is excessive, that an old memory of being mistreated needs to be resolved. They don’t judge themselves for experiencing unpleasant emotions. Rather, they see how and why such emotions arise, soothe them, and move on—without overreacting or remaining stuck on those emotions too long.
Experience positive emotions on a regular basis. Such emotions include contentment, serenity, awe, hope, amusement, curiosity, and enthusiasm.
Are comfortable telling others what they’re feeling, And they do so in a constructive way.
When making a decision consider how they’ll feel afterwards. They consider how they’ll feel both immediately and down the road.
Look at their emotionally difficult experiences as opportunities, not catastrophes. They see difficult situations as opportunities to grow from and gain useful life experience.
Curiously study the faces, voice tone, posture, and actions of others. They try to see what’s going on inside of them (for example, fear? shame?) Then they respond to other people’s suffering with empathy and understanding. For instance, they might say, “That must be hard, I’d feel the same way.”
Express positive emotions to others, as appropriate. Such emotions include gratitude, love, and appreciation,
Get along well with others. This includes working well in a team.
Take relationship ruptures and conflicts in stride. They stay poised and are skilled at smoothing things over. They stay composed when others reject, disapprove of, or hurt them.
Stay calm when others are expressing strong emotions. They help others when they can, and know when a situation is beyond their control to help.
Make others feel safe and comfortable around them. Others generally trust that they can open up to them.

Key Principles for Managing Strong Emotions

Mentally step away from the situation to gain perspective. Kindly and without judgement, acknowledge your emotions. Try to name your feelings precisely and without judgment (for example, “there is anger”). This calms the emotional regions of your brain and helps you determine the best course of action. Notice where in your body the emotions are located and soothe them with compassion. Place a hand over that location in a caring way.
Know that emotions are impermanent. They come and go; they change over time.
Understand the origins of your emotions. For example, shame from childhood, low self-esteem, or fear of being judged can lead to anxiety.
Check your self-talk. Resist unproductive thoughts, such as: “This is awful! I can’t stand this! I shouldn’t be feeling this way! I must control this situation!” Try replacing these with cooler thoughts, such as: “Ups and downs are part of life. This is unpleasant but I can stand it. It’s not the end of the world. I’m practicing a different response, which is understandably new and difficult. I can ride this out. Easy does it. Is there another way to look at this? Maybe the person who upset me has something going on that I don’t know about. Maybe it’s not about me.”
Express your emotions constructively. Find a harmless outlet to get unpleasant emotions off your chest (literally out of your body), gain perspective, and soothe troubling emotions. For some, this is done through journaling (describe in writing the facts, feelings, bodily sensations, thoughts, and images surrounding the difficult situation). Others might talk with a trusted friend or counselor in a relaxed setting to gain perspective and support.
Check your facial expressions. Research shows that a frown or scowl negatively affects your mood and how others respond to you. As a rule, people are drawn to people with pleasant expressions.
Try to see others’ viewpoints. Their viewpoints seem as right to them as yours do to you. Try to respond with understanding, respect, and empathy.
Be kind, apologize, forgive. Kindness prevents a multitude of hurts. When you err, apologize (for example, “I’m sorry for hurting you. I was having a bad day but that’s no excuse. I’ll try to warn you when I’m in a bad mood and not take it out on you.”). When another errs, forgiving releases negative emotions.

With time and practice, you’ll get better at applying these principles. Future articles will explore ways to implement these principles that are particularly useful to survivors of ACEs.

References

Schiraldi, G. R. (2021). The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook: Heal the Hidden Wounds from Childhood Affecting Your Adult Mental and Physical Health. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. New York: Bantam.
Salovey, P., Brackett, M. A., & Mayer, J. D. (2004). Emotional Intelligence: Key Readings on the Mayer and Salovey Model. Port Chester, NY: Dude.

About the Author

Glenn R. Schiraldi, PhD, has served on the stress management faculties at The Pentagon, the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation, and the University of Maryland, where he received the Outstanding Teacher Award in addition to other teaching/service awards. His fourteen books on stress-related topics have been translated into seventeen languages, and include The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook, The Self-Esteem Workbook. The Resilience Workbook, and The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook. The founder of Resilience Training International (www.ResilienceFirst.com), he has trained laypersons, emergency responders, and clinicians around the world on the diverse aspects of stress, trauma, and resilience.